Marla Cummins

ADHD Coach and Productivity Consultant

6 Guilt-Free Strategies ADHD Adults Can Use To Say No

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One of the ways you can avoid saying no is letting people know about your rules in advance, a topic I wrote about in my last post.

But what about all the other times when you need to make a decision on the spot — yes or no.

Do you have a hard time saying no when someone makes a request of you? And because it is so hard maybe you end up saying yes even when it would have been better to say no.

For Adults with ADHD this common challenge — saying yes when you want to say no —  is often one of the barriers to focusing on what is important.

What if you could say no when you want? How would that help you focus on what is essential in your life?

Ready to try?

Why Is It So Hard To Say No?

While I’m guessing you already have an inkling, aren’t you curious why you just can’t do it — say no?

After all, how many times have you thought to yourself, “Why did I just agree to do that?! How am I going to fit that in with everything else?”

According to Vanessa Bohns, assistant professor of Organizational Behavior at Cornell University, we may struggle to say no because:

“We don’t want to reject people. We don’t want people to think poorly of us … so we are really managing the impressions other people have of us.”

As an adult with ADHD it may be particularly hard for you to say no because of your history, perceived or otherwise, of falling short. So, you may end up saying yes to prove to yourself and others that you are capable.

You want others to think well of you, of course.

But does saying yes, when no is a better answer, accomplish this?

What Happens When You Say Yes And Want to Say No?

Sure, in the moment your intention in saying yes may be to have people think positively of you.

And sometimes it may work out just fine — you are able to fulfill the request and your other responsibilities don’t suffer too much.

What about those times when it does not work out?

You may end up:

  • letting people down when you don’t deliver.
  • becoming overwhelmed because you have too much on your plate.
  • avoiding the person and /or task because you can’t really do it.
  • allowing essential tasks and projects to slide.

I’m sure you see where this is going. People may end up thinking poorly of you.

Just what you were trying to avoid!

Why Are You Saying No?

Saying no is just hard sometimes. So, there really is not an easy way out.

But knowing why you are saying no may help you be more confident that you are doing the right thing, even when it does not feel good.

Sometimes it may be best to say no because you:

  • really don’t know how to do what is being asked of you.
  • already made commitments, and you want to be able to honor those to the best of your ability. You simply don’t have time to do more.
  • need down time to refuel so you can be at your best to do what you decided is essential to you.
  • don’t want to trade off sleep to do more because you know how critical sleep is to feeling and operating at your best.
  • know it is best to trust your instinct and set boundaries with the person making the request.
  • don’t want to do it.

These are just a few. What are other reasons you might say no?

Saying No Gracefully

This is where the rubber hits the road – being able to say no in various situations.

Below are various situations you might encounter and ways to say no you can adapt to suit your unique needs.

1. A client asks you on the 3rd  of the month to do a project for him and deliver it by the end of the month. It is one of your busiest times…

“Ariel, I’d like to be able to help you, but I’m not sure I have the time now. I need to check my calendar and the status of my other projects. Would it work for you, if I get back to you by tomorrow.

(the next day) “Ariel, I am sorry, but I can’t fit the whole project in this month, but I can do a part of it. Would you want to talk about what we can accomplish?

In this scenario you gave yourself the time you needed to figure out what you can do. And then, though you couldn’t fulfill the whole request, you offered an option to your client.

 

2. Your boss ask you to take on a project for which you simply do not have the bandwidth.

While sitting in your 1-1 meeting you say:

“Bob, thanks for meeting with me. I could really use some guidance. I know that this project is really important to us. But I’m not sure I have the time needed to give it my best effort because of everything else on my plate.  So, I wanted to get a sense of your priorities and find out where I should focus my time and energy.  What do you think? ”

(Give him time to respond)

Depending on how the conversation goes, you might add, “Could we look at shifting around some of my other work so I can focus on this?”

By framing the conversation this way you are acknowledging your shared objective of you being able to do your best work.

 

3. The committee chair for an organization you belong to ask you to join the committee.

“Lisa, thanks so much for thinking of me and for all the good work you are doing for our community. While I have too much going on right now to help out, I might be interested in helping out next year. Could you keep my name in your file of interested people?”

If you are truly interested in helping, but just not right now, this is one way to express that sentiment.

 

4. A person you know and like from your professional circles ask if you could meet for coffee.

“Terry, it’s great to hear from you and hope you are doing well. I look forward to catching up, but am fairly consumed by a project I am working on right now. I will have time to meet starting next month. Can I touch base with you then to arrange a time for coffee?”

Again, this is a way to express your interest, and let the other person know that you just don’t have time now.

 

5. A former colleague reaches out to you for help on a project he is working on.

“Tom, I’d really like to help, but this is not really my area of expertise. And I think you could really benefit by having someone help you who specializes in this. I know of a few people who may be able to help you, and I’d be happy to send you their contact info, if you would like. Please let me know. And best of luck in the project!”

This is one way to help, if you can, but not offer help that is beyond your capacity.

 

6. A friend asks you to pick up a package at the post office and bring it to her house.

“Sue, I can pick up the package, but won’t have time to deliver it to your house. I can leave it at my house so you can pick it up when you have time. Does that sound ok?”

Here you are offering to do what you can, and trusting that the other person can decide whether that will work for them.

Crafting Your Own Gracious No

There are three keys to keep in mind when saying no.

First, do it quickly. If you really mean to say no, don’t avoiding answering by offering a vague answer like, “I might be able to…” or “I’ll try…”

Keeping these loops open will only waste your time and energy, and potentially lead to resentment by the other person.

Second, offer a reason. While, no matter how well you craft your answer, the other person may still not like your response, you can be confident you said no as gracefully as possible.

Last, when possible offer an alternative, rather than a hard no. This can communicate to the other person that, though you can’t do what they asked, you still want to help.

Your Turn

What are you going to say no to today?

 

Could this info help someone in your circles? Pass it along!

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Marla has an excellent understanding of ADHD and a great knowledge base of related topics. She was able to expertly guide me through decisions I needed to make and helped me tackle big and small things I needed to do. Knowing I had adhd was only 25% of the battle for me. I’m so glad that I chose to stay committed to coaching. Now that I have more self awareness about myself and my adhd I trust myself to get what I need done. I don’t try to do too much anymore and when I’ve done all I can on my own I’m more willing to reach out for support. My production is way higher than I expected, but I’m also way less stressed and that makes it easier on a personal level at home too.

— A.V., Vice President - Investment Sales

Coaching with Marla was very useful, and also essential. I do not know what I would have done w/o the Sunday night periods of going over the past week, looking forward to the next week, and making a plan. The actual phone check ins on Tuesdays…crucial, to help me get clear, as well as for the simple act of accountability. Marla served as a focal point (as in, ‘oh, yeah, this was what I was doing’), and–at times–as an anchor that grounded things. I can not imagine having had to go through the past 6 months w.o. someone ‘outside’ me, and my life, to help me stay the course. Now, I feel more confident in my abilities, in what I have to offer. I realize I do have options. How freeing! Lastly, but certainly not least, I have a very, very clear sense of my values, and I am using those to guide me, and that helps me to trust in my course.

— Cindy R., Writer and Editor

Before working with Marla I got by by winging it but I was not keeping up with the flow of information and I wasn’t managing my time productively. I was often reactive and overwhelmed. I didn’t even think I could be productive… Identifying where and why I was having struggles and having a person to help me through those was the most helpful. Marla is non-judgemental so when something didn’t go as expected, I felt OK talking to her about it and exploring different options to try.  She is a very good listener and is able to give helpful insights and suggestions. I truly enjoy our conversations. The outcome that I appreciate the most is that I feel more in control. Before there was always something I was forgetting to do or follow-up on. Now I think I have much better handle on things.  Also, I am able to focus more time on longer term projects so they don’t become a complete crisis when getting close to the due dates. This has eliminated the last minute rush that used to happen all the time. I am also just calmer. When I started to work with Marla I was at a point in my life that I was not satisfied with how my life was going. I wish I had done this earlier!

— M.P., Controller

What I gained from working with Marla was invaluable. Marla was consistently supportive, positive and uncritical. I learned to honor the way I work best, and am more accepting of my ADD and other characteristics. Now I ask myself, how can I get what I need to get done without running against my own personality? After learning more about ADD from Marla, I don’t think of my challenges as a personal weakness. This change in my thinking allows me to better handle my challenges by thinking of strategies to manage them, rather than engaging in self blame! Yes, cost was definitely a factor when I decided to work with Marla, but I knew that this is what good professionals charge. Being able to make choices that are right for me and learn strategies that last a life time is invaluable to me. The investment was certainly worth it. From working with Marla, I learned a lot about goal setting, meeting objectives, and doing that as a person with ADD. If you are stuck or frustrated, I would certainly hire Marla as a coach.

— C.O., Financial Manager

I have a lot more peace of mind, less stress, much less anxiety… I feel that we make progress in every session and always feel more confident that I am learning skills that will help me personally and professionally. I particularly like that I do not feel ashamed when I talk about areas I want to improve. Understanding that I wasn’t broken, and just think about things differently was key. Trying to learn the way non-ADHD people learn was a mistake I have repeated my whole life. I now know what the best environment is for me and can recognize distractions and noise immediately. I am now able to have way more confidence to let go of the recurring thoughts about tasks, because I have tools that remember for me. I drop a lot less balls. In fact, typically, if I don’t do something now, it’s because I consciously lowered it on my priority list. I couldn’t do that very well before. I used to just shut down and drop everything because the stress was so great. That never happens anymore. Thanks again for all your help.  Your coaching was probably the best investment I've ever made in me!

— T.D., Sales Professional

Together we identified obstacles that were preventing me from truly going after the job that I would be happiest in. I’m balancing a full workload (I currently have 4 part-time jobs), graduate school, and 15-20 hours of training as a competitive cyclist. For a few years, I was having trouble committing myself to finding a new job and this was, in turn, making it difficult for me to work toward my graduate degree. I recently overcame a major hurdle in my progress toward my degree and am in touch with an increasing pool of potential employers. Marla is a time management guru, to be sure, but her most unique skill is her ability to ask questions that help me to step outside of myself for a moment and take a hard look at my motivations and decision making processes. Her questions have helped me to become more independently active in that I now know how to ask myself the kinds of questions that Marla might ask me. Without Marla’s help, I probably would not be as far along in my job search as I am now and would still be far from finishing my degree. Thanks, Marla!

— Paul D., PhD Candidate / High-School Teacher

Through our work I clarified my goals, identified communication issues, fuzzy planning and established personal accountability. In working with Marla, I received practical organizing and planning techniques, inspiration and empowering suggestions.  Marla helped me work with each issue as developing life skills and emphasized personal responsibility. Marla is an excellent coach and compassionate, encouraging mirror. I recommend her without any reservations.

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The coaching worked so well because it was tailored just for me - not a cookie cutter type of experience. It was exactly what I needed! We identified and worked on my concerns - got at the root cause and figured out what I could do to make it better. I proved I am capable of growth and change. For one, my communication has improved through the different departments and with my own team. My email and task organization are better, too. I have more tools at my disposal to help with my organization which helps me feel more calm and settled, even when things start to get hectic at work. I have tried to be perfect for too long and it was causing me to focus on the wrong areas... I stopped thinking it is always my fault and I've started to develop a thicker skin when I do make a mistake. I can move on more quickly and stay focused on the current tasks instead of worrying unnecessarily. I am more confident in my abilities and I have learned how to stop worrying as often about things outside of my control. Marla did a wonderful job with everything. Everything we worked on I made improvements in!

— E.A., Human Resource Manager

Marla has been tremendously helpful in keeping me “on track” with important and complex projects during a time when I cannot afford to get lost. At the same time, she is helping me realize that while avocational goals are important, so too are relationships and personal fairness. In our last meeting, Marla helped me begin to tackle a lifelong misapprehension of time and how to gain control of it. More important than problems solved is my greater confidence in addressing problems and trying to solve them, rather than simply quitting because no resolution is apparent. Marla offers a non-judgemental, objective appreciation for the large and small difficulties and success that are not apparent to myself, and a way to order these things so that they can be confronted and appreciated, respectively. She has helped me see what appear to be insurmountable problems as just small impediments. Specifically, she has goaded me into making phone calls to people that I didn’t think would want to hear from me, and to do everything to keep communications channels open. She has also helped me by keeping a focus on the challenge I feel in organizing and constantly reviewing how to strike a balance between letting my schedule get out of control and focusing too intently on it and thus losing track of the bigger picture.

— Josh D., Professional Writer and Editor

Marla was my second coach. The first one did not really help me, so I was kind of skeptical. Marla’s help was astonishing. After only a few calls she seemed to have me figured out pretty well. She called me on empty promises, pushed me just enough never too much, and together we came up with tools that actually work and which I actually use. She has an uncanny ability to know how far she can push me without ticking me off. Thanks to that I never felt pressure to lie about or excuse what I had done or how I was doing. After living with ADD for many years I started believing that I was lazy, stupid, and crazy. Marla was able to convince me that I was none of these by helping me solve small issues and get a track record of success. Once those things were accomplished, many of the pieces sort of fell in to place.

— Marc D., Software Engineer

Marla’s support was critical in reducing anxiety after receiving the diagnosis of ADD. She imparts information in a warm, impartial, professional manner. Marla is always on your side and willing to work at your pace. At the same time, she challenges you to think about your daily decisions and how they impact your life, and your options for change, should you desire it. Marla helps you identify, prioritize, and focus on weaknesses in a nonjudgmental way and plants the seeds of ideas for you to follow up on, either immediately, or in the future when you’re ready. Above all, she compliments your strengths.

— Jane F., Parent

...while working with Marla, I have been able to move into a career that I have always wanted to be in. I spent many years with undiagnosed ADD not knowing why I had such difficulty with staying focused, starting projects and having difficulty finishing them, unable to prioritize what I needed to do in my life, and many of the other symptoms. I finally sought help through a physician who recommended taking medication. It was also suggested I find an ADD coach to help me re-learn new ways of managing my ADD. I contacted Marla, and after the first conversation I felt comfortable enough to give the coaching a try. After a few sessions working with Marla, she was able to help me start developing the goals and tools I needed to start clearing the clutter in my life. Today using the different techniques that I have learned while working with Marla, I manage my time more efficiently, and complete projects to the end. It is good to know that you do not need to make the journey alone with ADD. I look forward to working with Marla now and in the future.

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I've never felt as hopeful as I am now. Marla's reassuring voice and straightforward manner helped me to internalize a consistent approach to each problem. Before I was frazzled, couldn't do what I needed to do and felt like a fraud professionally. When things weren't working before I saw it as a personal failing. We figured out what I needed to do. And now stuff is not falling through my fingers and I'm not surprised by things that come up professionally. Every accomplishment felt reinforcing. I remind myself when I have organizational challenges now that it is my neurobiology, not me! I don't see myself as defective and am not ashamed anymore. I just think about the next step I need to do to figure it out.

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