The step by step process he sets out can help you set your boundaries (say NO)  based on your values and needs, while still retaining  your relationships.

If you have ADD and impulsiveness is a challenge for you, then you likely have experienced the effects of communicating  in a way that not only damages your relationships, but does not get you what you want.

You may know what you want or don't want in a given situation. What you also need is an effective strategy that would enhance your chances of actually achieving that objective.

If you have ever had trouble setting boundaries ( and who hasn't?),  I encourage you to read this book.

Stepping out onto the balcony

Recently I moved, and was having work done to our new place. I found myself getting increasingly frustrated as the work dragged on and on and… Ok, you get it. Many times I just wanted to say forget it, but that would be shooting myself in the foot; I really did want the work done.

Since I was in the middle of reading Ury's book, I decided to give his strategy a try. (Below are a few excerpts from the email I sent regarding the time table for the work that needed to be done.)

So, rather than throw in the towel,  I went to the balcony, which is how Ury refers to the time necessary to think and gain clarity. It can be  5 minutes, an hour or a week.

Saying YES

While out on the balcony, the first step is gaining clarity on the underlying needs or values in setting a particular boundary. That is, identifying what we are saying yes to.

In taking the time I needed to think,  I was able to conclude that I needed to have my time and space respected. I also needed peace and quiet in my home, which are important values for me. Once I knew what I wanted, I could communicate these ( my YES).

As I try to establish some normalcy and consistency for ________ (my daughter), the time available for work to be done will be very limited now that summer is coming to close.

Saying NO

After delivering a YES, the next step is to respectfully set boundaries, say NO. Only after communicating my YES did I express my NO.

Next Saturday from 10:00-2:00 will work for you to work on the kitchen. I do want to have work completed by 2:00. I imagine that this will only give you enough     time to scrap. We will have to negotiate another time to paint.

Concluding with a YES

Then I concluded the email with a YES, intended to maintain the relationship

If this does not work for you, please let me know, and we can agree on another mutually convenient time.

Outcome:

My initial impulsive response was to say, "forget it"! This would not have served my interest at all. By using Ury's strategy, I was able to say NO and still get to YES.

Here is what I received in response to my email:

Saturday from 10:00-2:00 will work for me too. No problem about your schedule limitations, I'm sure we'll find some mutually suitable times to finish what we are set to do.

He was out by 2:00, whereas on previous occasions he had worked far beyond the time limit I had set. Although I can't be sure, I think underscoring why (my values and needs) it was important to me for him to be out by 2:00 helped ensure that my request was respected.

Hmm…, I achieved my objectives, a painted kitchen, respectful communication and clear boundaries. It worked.

Get the book and try it yourself. Let me know how it works.

This type of change comes with a significant occurrence in one’s life, like moving, starting a new job, beginning a new relationship or starting school.

Just this past weekend, I was talking to another mom whose daughter was about to start college over a thousand miles away. It was clearly a life altering event for both daughter and mother.

While not quite as momentous as going to college and only .6 miles away, my daughter starting middle school will certainly be a change in standard operating procedure in our house.

As I was having the conversation with the other mom, I became aware that I was avoiding thinking at all about school. Usually, I want to be "uber" prepared. So, why did I not want to go clothes and supply shopping? Why was I not encouraging her to review her math? I haven't even got her the book she needs to have read in two weeks…

Acknowledge change

I suddenly realized that I was nervous about my daughter starting middle school. Not preparing for it was my way of putting it off. Of course, it was coming, regardless of whether she (or I) was prepared or not.

Transitions can be difficult, even when the transition arises from achieving a much desired goal or the inevitable, like going to middle school.

The first step is to recognize that you are going through a transition. Once you  acknowledge that it will not be business as usual, the next step is preparing for the change.

Preparing for transitions

Preparing for transitions will help you to go through it with greater ease.

Now that I've pulled my head out of the sand, I am preparing myself and my daughter for school. At least she has the cool jeans. Isn't that what middle school is about?

But preparing is about more than just getting the “stuff,” though that is part of it. It is about contemplating and preparing for the change. Here are a few questions that will help.

• How is your schedule going to be different?
• What is the impact on your current schedule and how do you need to adjust it to accommodate the change?
• What routines need to be in place to make it easier to operate?
• Given what is most important to you right now, where do you want to focus your attention?
• Are there activities that need to take a back seat for now because you will not have as much time?
• What kind of support do you need as you go through this transition?
• How do you feel about the transition? What would be a helpful perspective?

Cut yourself some slack

With significant changes, it is not business as usual. You can’t do it all.

Once you acknowledge that you are going through a significant transition, think through how to prepare for it, then you can move on to new way of operating.  Even if it is temporary…

Matching your expectations with reality is definitely the way to go. At least, you'll get less sand in your ears.

One of the challenges in nurturing relationships is making the time and space to connect with others. Unless we are intentional in our choices, and attend to our relationships, we can actually forget to do this. Even when it is important to us.

Recently, I was talking to a friend, explaining how I often do not want to go out. This surprised her because, as she noted, I appear to do so well and be so at ease in social situations. When she said this, the phrase, fake it till you make it, came to mind.

It is interesting because I know the rules of the road when it comes socializing. It just takes a lot of energy to implement them. Figuring out who to talk to and for how long, the right topics, when to listen and when to speak… It is exhausting!

Yet, I continue to go out because in the end, I really enjoy it. It is worth a little angst.

And I know I’ll miss out if I hide out in the “comfort” of my home.

Like me, you know that staying authentically connected to family and friends is critical to your well-being. Yet, actually maintaining these relationships may be quite challenging for someone with ADD for some of the following reasons:

♦ You may feel so overwhelmed by all that you currently have on your plate that you do not feel that you have the time and space in your life for socializing.

♦ Perhaps, when you do socialize, it feels like an ordeal because of the challenge of fully participating in the give and take of a conversation. It may take great effort to focus and follow all of the threads of the conversation.

♦ Conversely, you may find yourself dominating conversations due your impulsive nature. In either case, it seems too hard…

♦ Maybe, you are unsure how to manage your behavior in the moment. In response to this discomfort, you may decide to limit your social interactions to avoid embarrassing yourself.

♦ At times, it can feel like it takes too much effort to attend to your relationships and be the person that you want to be, so you stop trying.

Ways to Connect

Some of the following strategies are ones that I have used and recommended to clients.

Get involved with a structured activity. By doing this, you do not need to plan.

Become involved in a community, like a synagogue or church, Meet Up group, choir, karate, AA. Community is everywhere. You just need to reach out and find your place.

Print a list friends and family and put it in a prominent place where you are likely to look. Call or email someone once a week, just to say hi.

Commit to going out a specified number of times a week or month.  

What is your first step?

Next Steps

I’m sure some of the above resonates with you.

Just think of all the energy and creativity you can have to pursue your goals when your primary needs are met.

In spite of some of the challenges of maintaining relationships, what are you willing to do to make this a priority?

What kind of support do you need to do this? Do you need to learn new skills, so that you are more comfortable in social situations? Maybe, you want a friend to go with you to activities. Think of what you need to make the first and next step easier.

It came to mind as I was thinking about Dr. Hallowell and his writings about the importance of connection in treating ADD.

Then I started thinking about my own need to for connection.

Recharging vs. Connecting

I began questioning my need to connect with others two weeks ago, when I spent a wonderful weekend with old friends from my time in Israel. I had really been looking forward to this weekend.

I thought, how could I not want to spend every minute with my friends?!?

We were together on and off for 5 days. At one point we were together for 48 hours straight. As much as I was enjoying my time, I was also getting a bit antsy.

In the midst of the weekend, I had a conversation with one of my friends, who is an total extrovert. She could have spent every minute with us. Through our conversation I was reminded that we were just different in how we connected with others, and that was ok.

Do I need less connection than my friend? The answer was unequivocally, no. The way I spend time connecting with others just looks different.

Eventually I took a much needed break during the course of the weekend.

And I have gone out every night for the past 5 days. This works for me, as I can recharge during the day. (If you read my previous post, Who Else Wants to be Productive?, you know that my daughter is at an overnight camp.)

Need For Connection

Plenty of experts have demonstrated the positive effects of maintaining healthy relationships. You probably accept their wisdom as fact. You might even say that having healthy relationships is one of your top priorities.

It is one of mine.

After all, sustaining positive connections with others in order to fulfill your own emotional needs is one of the most important factors in being at your best. When you are at your best or at least in a good place, you are better able to progress toward your goals more efficiently and effectively.

Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on ADD, notes that our connection with others is critical to our well being. It is so important that “making sure you keep up regular contact with a few good friends” is included on his list as one of the seven habits of highly effective adults with ADD.

But the experts probably did not have to tell you how important connections with other are for your well being. Though a reminder every now and then doesn't hurt; I know I need it.

Next Step

My commitment is to get a sitter at least 2x a month, so that I can go out just with other adults.

Is there anything you will commit to doing so that you can successfully stay connected to friends and family?

If you want more authentic connections with others, what different choices do you need to make?

Stay tuned for my next post when I'll share some of the challenges of staying connected for those with ADD, as well as some tips to address this.

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As I am self employed, caring for my daughter is one of the few activities that put boundaries around my work.

If you have read any of my writing before, you know that I work hard at making values based decisions. And caring for my daughter is one of my highest priorities. So, when the reason for putting aside my work is to step into the role of parenting, it is generally easier for me to stop working.

Lack of structure

Now that I have literally no parenting responsibilities, other than writing letters to my daughter. I really lack structure and, honestly was a bit adrift for a few days.

I could do anything!

As many of you with ADD know, making decisions when there are seemingly infinite possibilities is really challenging.

What to do?

Before working, figure out when you are most productive for the various task that you perform. For example, I usually write first thing in the morning.

Throughout the day, evaluate if you are being productive by asking yourself the following questions:

Am I doing what I planned? Look at your plan throughout the day.
If I am not doing what I planned, am I doing what is most important for me to do right now?

Do I need to create a new plan or recommit to the original plan?

What is the best thing for me to do now? Is it best to continue working or do I need to switch gears and take a break?

Frustration!

So, imagine my surprise when a clerk told me that the store did not carry tooth brush holders or soap containers.

I thought, "impossible Target must have these items!" So, I asked another clerk, who sent us off to the household department. I must not have made myself clear because all we saw were items for the bathroom.

So, I asked the next clerk, "where would I find travel toothbrush holders and soap containers." “Yes, that is by the toothbrushes, “ he said. That was the first place that I looked, but I certainly could have missed it. I asked him to accompany us because I did not want to go on a wild goose chase, again. It was a good thing because it was not where he said it was. But, with his help, we did eventually find it. "Excellent," I thought,  "we could cross those off our list."

However, at this point I was FRUSTRATED after spending so much time looking for two items! Now off to find non-aerosol, nontoxic insect repellent. "Could we find this at Target," I wondered.  I didn’t hold out much hope when I asked another clerk where I could find insect repellent. In an convincing voice, she said, “G5.” So, off we went to G5. The aisle heading for G5 was PEST CONTROL!

At that point, my daughter and I both broke out into laughter. Then my frustration dissipated. Yes, just like that, it went away.

What Changed?

I found humor in the situation. The humor served to break through the frustration. Once  this shift in attitude happened, I was able to put our shopping expedition into a more helpful perspective. Here are all the things that went through my head:

• It is just a soap dish etc.!
• Perhaps, I should have asked for insect repellent for the body. Maybe I was not being specific enough.
• Maybe they were doing the best they could.
• It is a large store, and they are always reorganizing the shelves, especially seasonal products. It makes sense that the clerks, especially if they work part time, might not know where everything is in the store.
• We have time, and will eventually get everything.

Then I relaxed. By the time we left, I was tired and hungry, but not frustrated.

Reframing

For many with ADD, it is easy to go from 0 to 100 mph on the Frustration Highway. It is harder, though, to put on the brakes, and gain a perspective on the situation. While it is certainly not realistic to keep frustration completely at bay, we can practice choosing how to respond to situations that we are faced with every day. Being curious and creating alternative scenarios may help keep things in perspective.

• A person cuts you off in traffic. Is he late for an interview or work?
• A friend does not call. Is she tired, overwhelmed with work or possibly under the weather?
• A clerk at a store is curt with you. Is he having  bad day?

But by doing this, you will be able to exit much sooner. And I promise you, it will leave in a much better state!

Did I say thing were settling down? Well, it feels like it.

When you just want to do it!

I know that I often want to just dig in, and get things done, now. Especially when there is so much to do, It feels like planning would slow me down.  Sometimes,  I just forget how planning actually helps me to be more productive.

It is easy to forget to slow down when things feel chaotic or when  there is just too much on your plate.

This is exactly what happened to me this summer. In the midst of moving, I did not plan time to work on my business. I kept telling myself, “I should write, even if it is summer.” Saying that did not help to motivate me at all. The weeks came and went  and nada! I claimed that I wanted to write a post every week. At least that is what I told myself at the beginning of the summer. But I didn’t plan the time to actually write, and I didn’t make a decision not to write.

I just kept heaping on the self -blame for not following through. Sound familiar?

Making intentional choices

http://www.flickr.com/photos/macewan/

What if you consider planning part of the project?

On reflection, I realized that it would have been better, if I had decided to take a hiatus from doing certain parts of the business, like writing.

For those of you who can remember moving a whole household, you know how much work is involved. You probably also know what how overwhelming it can feel. I really would have been better off making a conscious decision to narrow my focus, and concentrate on the move, my daughter, my current clients and my well being.

If I had given myself permission not to write for a month, I would have felt a lot less guilty!

Now that I realize where I went astray, I am back to planning.

Planning is part of the doing

This week I scheduled time to write and here it is. I am sure that another a week would have passed, if I had not planned the time.

Sometime, when there is a lot going on, it does seem like planning is just one more thing on your plate.

What if you  considered planning part of the “doing,” rather than just one more thing on your to do list.

How would it help you to be more effective and efficient?

As I often say, slowing down and planning may help you go faster.

Next Step

Want to figure out how to plan better? Click here to sign up to receive a complimentary copy of my book, SMART Goals with the ADD Brain in Mind: An Interactive Approach to Moving BEYOND Stuck, Procrastination and Overwhelmed