Marla Cummins

ADHD Coach and Productivity Consultant

Recently diagnosed with adult ADHD? Confused about what to do now?

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Recently diagnosed with adult ADHD Confused about what to do now

Receiving a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult can be, well, unsettling, to say the least. While there isn’t a specific roadmap you can access to guide you on your journey as you learn how to work with this new diagnosis, there are best practices you can use to help you on your way.

I know you want to figure out what to do. Now. But, before you dive in full speed ahead, take a beat. Give yourself some time to digest and process this new information. It’s a lot to take in all at once! It may be helpful for you to have support from a therapist or an online or off-line ADHD group.

Whatever you need to do to process your feelings do that. It will be time well spent, for sure.

Because if you don’t take the time now to work with your feelings, at some point they will come out sideways. And then, whether conscious or not, you will likely divert your energy and time to manage these emotions — time and energy you want to devote to reaching your important goals.

You’ll get there. Just give yourself time. So, when you start to explore the strategies, skills, and tools that will work best for your unique needs and preferences, you’ll be in a good place to adopt them effectively.

And, also, remember, just because a specific strategy is recommended for adults with ADHD does not mean it will work for you. So, especially if you tend to be impulsive, try to take your time as you explore and experiment in creating a life that works for you.

Don’t forget slow is the new fast!

What Does it Mean to Accept Your ADHD?

I know sometimes people conflate acceptance of ADHD with complacency. They think accepting your ADHD means you have no interest in making changes in your life. But I know you want to make some changes in your life. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this, right?

And I also recognize there are people with ADHD who have no interest in growing and changing. They may ascribe to Popeye’s philosophy of life, “I yam what I yam & dats ALL what I yam.” That is, they don’t think they have agency. ADHD is who they are — their basic nature.

That’s just not true for you, either. You are not your ADHD. Like having diabetes or being nearsighted, for example, you have ADHD. Accepting your ADHD means you are just acknowledging it is part of who you are, with all the strengths and challenges it brings to your life.

That’s all. You are not your ADHD. You are you. And your ADHD is part of your makeup.

So, now that you have an official ADHD diagnosis you can decide how it helps you and where it might hinder you. Then you can decide how to leverage the strengths it offers you and manage the challenges it presents. Acceptance of your ADHD will make this process easier. More on this below.

Before Acceptance of Your ADHD — The Six Stages of Coping

It may take a while for you to fully accept your ADHD, though. Because, like most adults diagnosed with ADHD later in life, you’ll likely experience the Six Stages of Coping first. In fact, you’ll probably cycle in and out of these feelings before you arrive at acceptance.

Because it’s not a linear process.

So, one day you may be sad you have ADHD. The next day you have a glimmer of acceptance. Then the day after that you’re angry that everything is so hard. And a few days later, after meeting with your ADHD support group, you’re feeling pretty good.

It can be a roller coaster ride, for sure! So, buckle in.

Stage 1:  Relief and Optimism

I’m not “lazy, crazy or stupid.” There is a reason I have all these challenges!

Stage 2:  Denial

I’m fine. I don’t want to read about it. I don’t want to hear about it. They’re just going to tell me to take drugs. Besides, it’s a kids’ thing!

Stage 3: Anger and Resentment

Why do I have ADD? Why can’t I be like everyone else? And, if I would have been diagnosed earlier, life would have been so much easier.

Stage 4: Grief

I can’t do anything right. I’ll never get what I want. How will I ever get through this?

Stage 5. Acceptance

I’m ok. It is part of who I am, but I am not my ADHD. I have the resources and the capacity to figure out how to work with my ADHD. If I need help, I can get the support I need.

While it’s normal to go through the stages, you obviously don’t want to stay stuck in anger, resentment or grief. Who would choose to do that?!

How Acceptance of Your ADHD Can Help You Flourish

Of course, one reason you don’t want to stay stuck in grief and anger is that, well, it just feels bad. Another, perhaps, not so obvious reason is these emotions sap your limited amount of time and energy and make you less productive.

Of course, this means you have less time and energy to apply your creativity in figuring out how to effectively work with your ADHD. Makes sense, right?

But, when you accept your ADHD you feel better, for sure. And you also have a greater capacity to access your own and other resources to leverage your strengths and manage your challenges, including your ADHD. This byproduct — resourcefulness, resilience and persistence — of acceptance is exemplified in the following example.

I have never been able to get anywhere on time. My friends and family are always mad at me. I hate it! It will never change.

becomes

I’ve never been able to get to places on time. I know my sense of time and ability to transition is a bit wonky because of my ADHD. Hmm… I wonder what I can do to get to places on time more often?

This shift in thinking demonstrates how, when you move toward an acceptance of your ADHD, you will be in a better place to learn about and adopt helpful strategies, skills and tools to work with it. And not “fight” it.

Seek Out ADHD Support on Your Journey

While you’ll definitely need help along this journey, the type of support you choose to access will depend on your preference, needs and resources — time, energy and money, of course. Like most newly diagnosed ADHD adults you may start by trying to learn more about your ADHD from books and websites.

Then you may decide you need a more individualized approach. If you decide to go this route, check out ADHD Support: Therapists and ADHD Coaches to learn more about the differences between therapy and coaching for ADHD adults.

Alternatively, you may decide a group is more your speed. You can find ADHD specific groups in the CHADD Resource Directory. If you don’t find exactly what you are looking for, reach out to one of the local CHADD chapters and ask if they know of any local resources.

If you can’t find an easily accessible local in-person group or would prefer an online group, check out the membership group I offer, ADDed Perspectives. You can also find more online support groups in ADDConnect.

Whatever you do, try to find your peeps! Because getting the validation — being seen and heard — you need and deserve will make the journey easier. As you will develop more resiliency and persistence in working with your ADHD when you discover you are not crazy, lazy or stupid!

Learn About and Leverage Your Strengths

When you first learned of your ADHD diagnosis, your main focus may have been on learning how to manage those ADHD symptoms that are problematic for you. I get it. You don’t want your ADHD to get in the way of living your life the way you want.

But when exploring treatment options, I think the first step should be being aware of and developing your strengths. While not necessarily a means of reducing your symptoms, operating from your strengths allows you to avoid having to compensate for your weaknesses, including ADHD symptoms you find challenging.

As Drs Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey, authors of “Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction” point out,

The best way to change a life of frustration into a life of mastery is by developing talents and strengths not just shoring up weaknesses.

For more on how to do this check out, Want To Become The Best Version of Yourself, Too?

Ditch the Shame and Develop More Self -Compassion

It’s not uncommon for ADHD adults who have lived a lifetime with undiagnosed ADHD to have developed more than their fair share of shame — the feeling there is something inherently wrong with them. If this is true for you, you’ll need to work on becoming more shame resilient to effectively leverage your strengths and mitigate your ADHD challenges.

As you do this I hope you will realize there’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to be fixed! Your ADHD is just the way you’re wired. Moreover, the journey of working with your ADHD is not about changing yourself, but learning how to engineer your environment so your ADHD doesn’t get in your way.

Developing more self-compassion will also help you persist in this journey. As Dr. Kristin Neff notes,

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Right?!

Upgrade Your Skills and Learn Compensatory Strategies

With more self-compassion, less shame, and an acceptance of your ADHD you will be in a better place to upgrade your skills and learn compensatory strategies. Because these practices will energize and motivate you to develop your own best practices to work with your ADHD.

While not an exhaustive list, for sure, here’s a taste of some of the skills and strategies you may consider including on your list of best practices:

Of course, the specific skills and strategies you decide to learn and adopt will be dependent on your individual needs and preferences.

Reader’s Digest Version

While it will take time for you to process your feelings about your new ADHD diagnosis, the key to working well with your ADHD is moving toward acceptance.

This journey will include:

  • getting support
  • using your strengths
  • mitigating your shame
  • developing more self-compassion
  • learning new strategies and skills
  • adopting new tools

So you can develop the right plan — the plan that meets your specific needs and preferences.

Ready?

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Marla has an excellent understanding of ADHD and a great knowledge base of related topics. She was able to expertly guide me through decisions I needed to make and helped me tackle big and small things I needed to do. Knowing I had adhd was only 25% of the battle for me. I’m so glad that I chose to stay committed to coaching. Now that I have more self awareness about myself and my adhd I trust myself to get what I need done. I don’t try to do too much anymore and when I’ve done all I can on my own I’m more willing to reach out for support. My production is way higher than I expected, but I’m also way less stressed and that makes it easier on a personal level at home too.

— A.V., Vice President - Investment Sales

Coaching with Marla was very useful, and also essential. I do not know what I would have done w/o the Sunday night periods of going over the past week, looking forward to the next week, and making a plan. The actual phone check ins on Tuesdays…crucial, to help me get clear, as well as for the simple act of accountability. Marla served as a focal point (as in, ‘oh, yeah, this was what I was doing’), and–at times–as an anchor that grounded things. I can not imagine having had to go through the past 6 months w.o. someone ‘outside’ me, and my life, to help me stay the course. Now, I feel more confident in my abilities, in what I have to offer. I realize I do have options. How freeing! Lastly, but certainly not least, I have a very, very clear sense of my values, and I am using those to guide me, and that helps me to trust in my course.

— Cindy R., Writer and Editor

Before working with Marla I got by by winging it but I was not keeping up with the flow of information and I wasn’t managing my time productively. I was often reactive and overwhelmed. I didn’t even think I could be productive… Identifying where and why I was having struggles and having a person to help me through those was the most helpful. Marla is non-judgemental so when something didn’t go as expected, I felt OK talking to her about it and exploring different options to try.  She is a very good listener and is able to give helpful insights and suggestions. I truly enjoy our conversations. The outcome that I appreciate the most is that I feel more in control. Before there was always something I was forgetting to do or follow-up on. Now I think I have much better handle on things.  Also, I am able to focus more time on longer term projects so they don’t become a complete crisis when getting close to the due dates. This has eliminated the last minute rush that used to happen all the time. I am also just calmer. When I started to work with Marla I was at a point in my life that I was not satisfied with how my life was going. I wish I had done this earlier!

— M.P., Controller

What I gained from working with Marla was invaluable. Marla was consistently supportive, positive and uncritical. I learned to honor the way I work best, and am more accepting of my ADD and other characteristics. Now I ask myself, how can I get what I need to get done without running against my own personality? After learning more about ADD from Marla, I don’t think of my challenges as a personal weakness. This change in my thinking allows me to better handle my challenges by thinking of strategies to manage them, rather than engaging in self blame! Yes, cost was definitely a factor when I decided to work with Marla, but I knew that this is what good professionals charge. Being able to make choices that are right for me and learn strategies that last a life time is invaluable to me. The investment was certainly worth it. From working with Marla, I learned a lot about goal setting, meeting objectives, and doing that as a person with ADD. If you are stuck or frustrated, I would certainly hire Marla as a coach.

— C.O., Financial Manager

I have a lot more peace of mind, less stress, much less anxiety… I feel that we make progress in every session and always feel more confident that I am learning skills that will help me personally and professionally. I particularly like that I do not feel ashamed when I talk about areas I want to improve. Understanding that I wasn’t broken, and just think about things differently was key. Trying to learn the way non-ADHD people learn was a mistake I have repeated my whole life. I now know what the best environment is for me and can recognize distractions and noise immediately. I am now able to have way more confidence to let go of the recurring thoughts about tasks, because I have tools that remember for me. I drop a lot less balls. In fact, typically, if I don’t do something now, it’s because I consciously lowered it on my priority list. I couldn’t do that very well before. I used to just shut down and drop everything because the stress was so great. That never happens anymore. Thanks again for all your help.  Your coaching was probably the best investment I've ever made in me!

— T.D., Sales Professional

Together we identified obstacles that were preventing me from truly going after the job that I would be happiest in. I’m balancing a full workload (I currently have 4 part-time jobs), graduate school, and 15-20 hours of training as a competitive cyclist. For a few years, I was having trouble committing myself to finding a new job and this was, in turn, making it difficult for me to work toward my graduate degree. I recently overcame a major hurdle in my progress toward my degree and am in touch with an increasing pool of potential employers. Marla is a time management guru, to be sure, but her most unique skill is her ability to ask questions that help me to step outside of myself for a moment and take a hard look at my motivations and decision making processes. Her questions have helped me to become more independently active in that I now know how to ask myself the kinds of questions that Marla might ask me. Without Marla’s help, I probably would not be as far along in my job search as I am now and would still be far from finishing my degree. Thanks, Marla!

— Paul D., PhD Candidate / High-School Teacher

Through our work I clarified my goals, identified communication issues, fuzzy planning and established personal accountability. In working with Marla, I received practical organizing and planning techniques, inspiration and empowering suggestions.  Marla helped me work with each issue as developing life skills and emphasized personal responsibility. Marla is an excellent coach and compassionate, encouraging mirror. I recommend her without any reservations.

— Fred B., Business Consultant

The coaching worked so well because it was tailored just for me - not a cookie cutter type of experience. It was exactly what I needed! We identified and worked on my concerns - got at the root cause and figured out what I could do to make it better. I proved I am capable of growth and change. For one, my communication has improved through the different departments and with my own team. My email and task organization are better, too. I have more tools at my disposal to help with my organization which helps me feel more calm and settled, even when things start to get hectic at work. I have tried to be perfect for too long and it was causing me to focus on the wrong areas... I stopped thinking it is always my fault and I've started to develop a thicker skin when I do make a mistake. I can move on more quickly and stay focused on the current tasks instead of worrying unnecessarily. I am more confident in my abilities and I have learned how to stop worrying as often about things outside of my control. Marla did a wonderful job with everything. Everything we worked on I made improvements in!

— E.A., Human Resource Manager

Marla has been tremendously helpful in keeping me “on track” with important and complex projects during a time when I cannot afford to get lost. At the same time, she is helping me realize that while avocational goals are important, so too are relationships and personal fairness. In our last meeting, Marla helped me begin to tackle a lifelong misapprehension of time and how to gain control of it. More important than problems solved is my greater confidence in addressing problems and trying to solve them, rather than simply quitting because no resolution is apparent. Marla offers a non-judgemental, objective appreciation for the large and small difficulties and success that are not apparent to myself, and a way to order these things so that they can be confronted and appreciated, respectively. She has helped me see what appear to be insurmountable problems as just small impediments. Specifically, she has goaded me into making phone calls to people that I didn’t think would want to hear from me, and to do everything to keep communications channels open. She has also helped me by keeping a focus on the challenge I feel in organizing and constantly reviewing how to strike a balance between letting my schedule get out of control and focusing too intently on it and thus losing track of the bigger picture.

— Josh D., Professional Writer and Editor

Marla was my second coach. The first one did not really help me, so I was kind of skeptical. Marla’s help was astonishing. After only a few calls she seemed to have me figured out pretty well. She called me on empty promises, pushed me just enough never too much, and together we came up with tools that actually work and which I actually use. She has an uncanny ability to know how far she can push me without ticking me off. Thanks to that I never felt pressure to lie about or excuse what I had done or how I was doing. After living with ADD for many years I started believing that I was lazy, stupid, and crazy. Marla was able to convince me that I was none of these by helping me solve small issues and get a track record of success. Once those things were accomplished, many of the pieces sort of fell in to place.

— Marc D., Software Engineer

Marla’s support was critical in reducing anxiety after receiving the diagnosis of ADD. She imparts information in a warm, impartial, professional manner. Marla is always on your side and willing to work at your pace. At the same time, she challenges you to think about your daily decisions and how they impact your life, and your options for change, should you desire it. Marla helps you identify, prioritize, and focus on weaknesses in a nonjudgmental way and plants the seeds of ideas for you to follow up on, either immediately, or in the future when you’re ready. Above all, she compliments your strengths.

— Jane F., Parent

...while working with Marla, I have been able to move into a career that I have always wanted to be in. I spent many years with undiagnosed ADD not knowing why I had such difficulty with staying focused, starting projects and having difficulty finishing them, unable to prioritize what I needed to do in my life, and many of the other symptoms. I finally sought help through a physician who recommended taking medication. It was also suggested I find an ADD coach to help me re-learn new ways of managing my ADD. I contacted Marla, and after the first conversation I felt comfortable enough to give the coaching a try. After a few sessions working with Marla, she was able to help me start developing the goals and tools I needed to start clearing the clutter in my life. Today using the different techniques that I have learned while working with Marla, I manage my time more efficiently, and complete projects to the end. It is good to know that you do not need to make the journey alone with ADD. I look forward to working with Marla now and in the future.

— Chris E., Support Analyst

I've never felt as hopeful as I am now. Marla's reassuring voice and straightforward manner helped me to internalize a consistent approach to each problem. Before I was frazzled, couldn't do what I needed to do and felt like a fraud professionally. When things weren't working before I saw it as a personal failing. We figured out what I needed to do. And now stuff is not falling through my fingers and I'm not surprised by things that come up professionally. Every accomplishment felt reinforcing. I remind myself when I have organizational challenges now that it is my neurobiology, not me! I don't see myself as defective and am not ashamed anymore. I just think about the next step I need to do to figure it out.

— Deborah, Psychologist