{"id":12756,"date":"2021-05-13T08:53:23","date_gmt":"2021-05-13T08:53:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/?p=12756"},"modified":"2025-07-01T15:30:44","modified_gmt":"2025-07-01T19:30:44","slug":"adhd-adults-need-self-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-adults-need-self-compassion\/","title":{"rendered":"ADHD Adults Who Harness Their Compassion Reach Their Goals Easier"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

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(originally published January 17, 2018, updated May 13, 2021)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you found my blog because you want to learn how to be more productive as an ADHD adult. If so, then you’ll want to know that ADHD adults need self-compassion to reach their goals. Really. Because, without self-compassion, it will be much, much harder to be productive – do what’s meaningful and important to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you in? Not yet?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If not, it might be because you equate compassion with pity<\/strong>. And, if that’s the case, you might think self-compassion might mean you will be less productive and people will take advantage of you. To avoid this, you try not to let your guard down and continue to push yourself to prove to others you are capable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The good news is you won\u2019t need to engage in self-pity<\/strong>! But when you start to develop more self-compassion and lean into it as one of your go-to strategies you will feel more grounded, confident, have better relationships, and, yes, be more productive. Curious how you can develop more compassion to achieve these results<\/strong> while working with your ADHD<\/strong>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let’s get on with it then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 <\/strong>What Does It Look Like When ADHD Adults Are Compassionate?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And I\u2019ll start by differentiating between pity and compassion<\/strong>. When you pity<\/strong> someone, you feel bad for them<\/strong> or sympathetic, right? However, you may also view them as less than. And, if you are pitying yourself because of your ADHD challenges, you may view yourself as less, perhaps, than your neurotypical peers. And this may lead to a seemingly never-ending shame and blame spiral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, when you exhibit self-compassion about your ADHD<\/strong> (adapted from Dr. Kristin Neff<\/a>), you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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  1. are mindful<\/strong> of your negative emotions <\/strong>(ones you don’t want). That is, you can identify and \u201cbe with\u201d your emotions. But don’t waste time and energy avoiding or running away from them.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. recognize <\/strong>that, while your challenges may be related to your ADHD, you are not alone<\/strong> in your suffering. That is, you can acknowledge others suffer as well, whether they have ADHD or not.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. are kind<\/strong> to yourself<\/strong>, even when you feel you fall short of your or other\u2019s expectations because of your ADHD challenges.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    OK, that was the cliffnotes version<\/strong>. Let’s take a deeper dive<\/strong> into each of these.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    ADHD Adults Are Less Productive When They Suppress Their Emotions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    When you feel \u201cnegative emotions\u201d you may try to run away from them. While it makes sense you don’t want to feel the way you are feeling, rather than extinguishing these emotions, you likely end up magnifying them<\/strong>. Then they may come out sideways<\/strong> in ways you don’t want, and you feel worse, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    You just can’t outrun your emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Moreover, the time and energy you use doing this means your productivity<\/strong> and relationships<\/strong> may suffer<\/strong>. Because you aren’t using your time and energy doing what is most meaningful to you, including creating authentic relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But, what if, instead of feeling shame and frustration about your emotions, you were more self-compassionate<\/strong>? That is, what if you accepted <\/strong>things will sometimes not turn out the way you want<\/strong> and you might have uncomfortable feelings<\/strong> as a result, whether they are related to your ADHD or not?<\/p>\n\n\n

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    \"ADHD<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Acceptance Can Help ADHD Adults Live in Alignment with What Is Important to Them<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    One way to learn to live with<\/strong> your negative<\/strong> feelings<\/strong> so they have less of a hold over you is by learning how to use ACT<\/strong> (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) techniques. These techniques can help you stop<\/strong> struggling with your thoughts and feelings, stay<\/strong> in the present moment and accept (<\/strong>acknowledge) your feelings<\/strong>, rather than trying to avoid them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The first step is to remember thoughts are just words, sensations, and images<\/strong> \u2014 not reality<\/strong>. When you take them as reality, fuse with them, they can cause you pain. But, if you practice diffusion<\/strong>, you can immediately lessen the hold they have over you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For example, you could diffuse the common thought, \u201cI\u2019m a failure,\u201d<\/strong> with one of the following techniques recommended by Happiness Trap<\/a> author, Russ Harris:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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    1. Tell yourself, \u201cI\u2019m having the thought that I\u2019m a failure.\u201d You could even go further and tell yourself, \u201cI notice I\u2019m having the thought that I\u2019m a failure.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. Take the thought and sing it to yourself to the tune of \u201cHappy Birthday.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    3. Try hearing the thought in a cartoon character\u2019s voice, like Mickey Mouse.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    4. Take 10 deep breaths as slowly as possible and notice the sensations as you inhale and exhale.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      As you practice, notice how the thought has less of a hook on you<\/strong>. And remember the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts<\/strong>. Rather the goal is to lessen their impact <\/strong>so you can take effective action.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      That’s right, having self-compassion<\/strong> can help you act in alignment with your values<\/strong>. Nice, right?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      How \u201cShoulds\u201d Get in The Way for ADHD Adults<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

      To reach your goals effectively, in addition to accepting your thoughts, it\u2019s also important to accept yourself as you are<\/strong>. This doesn’t mean you can’t also learn how to work better with your ADHD. You can both accept yourself and work on managing your challenges (more on this below).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Yet over time, though you may not follow them and did not even intentionally adopt, I bet you have internalized certain rules \u2014 shoulds<\/strong>. Maybe they originally came from family, friends, social media, books, the internet, etc.  Whether you follow them or not, they weigh on you like a ton of bricks<\/strong>, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      For example<\/strong>, you might think you should be able to<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n