{"id":12900,"date":"2018-04-05T13:08:59","date_gmt":"2018-04-05T13:08:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/?p=12900"},"modified":"2018-04-05T13:08:59","modified_gmt":"2018-04-05T13:08:59","slug":"adhd-adults-selfish","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-adults-selfish\/","title":{"rendered":"Do Adults with ADHD Really Not Care About Others?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Are adults with ADHD really selfish?<\/p>\n<p>You and your colleagues decide how to divide up a project and agree on the deadlines. As the first deadline is fast approaching you\u2019re feeling the pressure. Yet, you still haven\u2019t started on it. At the meeting to discuss the project you tell them you\u2019re not going to be able to deliver on time. They\u2019re clearly frustrated.<\/p>\n<p>You make plans with your friend to meet up for lunch. And it\u2019s on your calendar. But you get so involved in a project at work you don\u2019t stop on time. And you\u2019re late getting to the restaurant, again.<\/p>\n<p>Your significant other starts telling you about what happened at work that day. She seems clearly distressed. But you interrupt her with a random question that pops into your head. She\u2019s upset. And you feel bad, too.<\/p>\n<p>In each of the above scenarios what <strong>others see<\/strong> is that you\u2019re:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>not pulling your weight<\/li>\n<li>late<\/li>\n<li>not listening<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>And they may <strong>conclude from your actions that you\u2019re just too self-centered to care<\/strong>. But they\u2019re likely <strong>wrong<\/strong>! You probably care a lot. And you may even be frustrated at how <strong>your ADHD gets in your way.<\/strong> Because you really want to do better, right?<\/p>\n<p>Recognizing how your ADHD gets in your way is an important first step. As this understanding will allow you to create the right kind of workarounds.<\/p>\n<h2>Listening Is a Challenge for ADHD Adults. Want to do better?<\/h2>\n<p>Because the filing system for organizing information in your brain is inefficient you may have difficulty organizing your thoughts. As a result, it can be a challenge retrieving words or ideas on the spot. So, as you are <strong>working hard to figure out what you want to say<\/strong>, you may not be listening.<\/p>\n<p>And, while you are stuck in your own thoughts, you may <strong>impulsively say whatever comes to mind<\/strong>. It may not be what you mean at all! But you feel the need to say something because the silence is too uncomfortable. And, when you are stressed and overwhelmed, you may be even more impulsive in conversation.<\/p>\n<p>In addition, <strong>external distractions<\/strong> (noises, conversations etc.) and <strong>internal distractions<\/strong> (thoughts) can make it hard for you to listen. This is especially true when you\u2019re having a disagreement, as it is also hard to regulate your emotions.<\/p>\n<p>Before you start a conversation take a few deep breaths, really. Remind yourself you want to listen and need to slow down. It won\u2019t be easy. But once you slow down, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-and-communication-listening\/\">use these additional strategies to listen better<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>ADHD Adults Are Often Late. Ready to be on Time More Often?<\/h2>\n<p>Getting places on time requires a bit of <strong>planning<\/strong>. Not easy for adults with ADHD, for sure. But you can <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-time-4-steps-places-time\/\">build this capacity by taking these four steps<\/a>. And when you can anticipate and plan for what you need in advance you will be more likely to get places on time.<\/p>\n<p>As part of this process, you will likely need to improve your ability to <strong>estimate time<\/strong>. Another challenge for adults with ADHD. One way to build this skill is to <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/how-to-fix-these-5-common-adhd-time-management-mistakes\/\">track your activities, time estimates and the actual time<\/a> it takes for you to get places.<\/p>\n<p>The difficulty for ADHD adults with <strong>transitions<\/strong> \u2014 starting, stopping, switching between tasks \u2014also makes it hard to be on time. Of course, preparation is not going to help you, if you can\u2019t stop what you are doing. And move on to your next task. You can learn how to do better with these <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/get-unstuck-tips-for-easier-daily-transitions-when-you-have-adhd\/\">tips for easier daily transitions<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Last, you may suffer from \u201c<strong>one more thingitis<\/strong>.\u201d You know you have this ailment if you often decide you need to do something just when you are ready to leave. The antidote is to resist the urge by reminding yourself, \u201cIf I don\u2019t go now, I\u2019ll be late. \u2018XYZ\u2019 can wait.\u201d Don\u2019t fall prey to this insidious condition. ?<\/p>\n<h2>Trouble Following Through? Here\u2019s How ADHD Adults Do Better.<\/h2>\n<p>Not only do you want to be in time, but you also want to honor your other commitments, right? Yet, you may often think to yourself, \u201cI really need to do that. I\u2019ll get to it soon.\u201d But then not actually deliver when you said you would \u2014 a common occurrence for many adults with ADHD. Others may view these lapses as evidence you just don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n<p>Among the <strong>reasons<\/strong> it is hard for ADHD adults to deliver on their commitments is not knowing how to plan the steps, estimate the time needed, start, focus, and persist. That\u2019s a long list, no doubt! And improving your skills in these areas will definitely help you follow through.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Check out<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-closing-knowing-doing-gap\/\">ADHD and Bridging the Gap Between Knowing and Doing<\/a> for an <strong>explanation <\/strong>of how to build these skills by taking the <strong>four steps below<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>know your objective<\/li>\n<li>do just enough planning<\/li>\n<li>create the right environment<\/li>\n<li>use strategies to remember to act in the moment<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Learning how to do the above can help you start taking action. Then you will be able to <strong>follow through on your commitments more often<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<h2>ADHD Adults have a Memory Like Swiss Cheese not a Trap Door<\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s true. Many Adults with ADHD don\u2019t have a very good memory. And, if this is true for you, your <strong>forgetfulness<\/strong> may be <strong>mistaken for not caring<\/strong>. But you care a lot. And, when you forget to show up when you said you would or do what you committed to, I bet you feel embarrassed or even ashamed.<\/p>\n<p>One reason for your memory challenges is a <strong>weak<\/strong> <strong>short-term (working) memory.<\/strong> This means you do not hold information long enough for it to enter your long-term memory. For <strong>example<\/strong>, you tell yourself, \u201cI need to drop off that folder at Joe\u2019s office before I leave.\u201d As you turn around to get your jacket and pack up you forget about the folder. All in <strong>less than a minute<\/strong>! Frustrating, right?<\/p>\n<p>In addition, challenges with <strong>long-term memory<\/strong> are common for adults with ADHD. One result is that you have <strong>difficulty remembering to do something in the future<\/strong>. So, for example, while you may have promised to get dinner on your way home, you forget. And only remember when you get home and walk into the kitchen. Sound familiar?<\/p>\n<p>The difficulty with <strong>long-term memory<\/strong> can also result in <strong>challenges with recalling information<\/strong>. So, you may have trouble remembering facts, names, events and experiences, etc. For example, when you go to a networking event you can\u2019t recall the name of someone you met just last month. And, while trying to share information with a colleague from the report, you have trouble recalling the facts. Even though you just read it two days ago!<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m sure you would like to <strong>do better. <\/strong>While the above may leave you feeling pretty defeated about your memory challenges. You don\u2019t need to be, really! Because there are many ways to remember what you need and at the right time. Check out <a href=\"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-and-20-ways-to-remember-what-you-want\/\">20 ways to remember what you want<\/a> for examples of the strategies and tools you can use.<\/p>\n<h2>Better, Not Perfect, Is the Goal<\/h2>\n<p>While you can definitely do better, it will never be perfect. You\u2019re human.<\/p>\n<p>So, part of the puzzle will be to find people who will be accepting of some of your quirks. Because, as hard as you might try, sometimes your ADHD symptoms will just creep in.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are adults with ADHD really selfish? You and your colleagues decide how to divide up a project and agree on the deadlines. As the first deadline is fast approaching you\u2019re feeling the pressure. Yet, you still haven\u2019t started on it. At the meeting to discuss the project you tell them you\u2019re not going to be able to deliver on time. They\u2019re clearly frustrated. You make plans with your friend to meet up for lunch. And it\u2019s on your calendar. But you get so involved in a project at work you don\u2019t stop on time. And you\u2019re late getting to the restaurant, again. Your significant other starts telling you about what happened at work that day. She seems clearly distressed. But you interrupt her with a&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":19937,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[725,727],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12900","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adhd-symptoms-diagnosis","category-blog"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.1.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Do Adults with ADHD Really Not Care About Others? - Marla Cummins<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are adults with ADHD really selfish? 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