{"id":14100,"date":"2019-07-30T13:01:06","date_gmt":"2019-07-30T13:01:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/?p=14100"},"modified":"2019-07-30T13:01:06","modified_gmt":"2019-07-30T13:01:06","slug":"adhd-adults-need-and-deserve-validation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marlacummins.com\/stage2026\/adhd-adults-need-and-deserve-validation\/","title":{"rendered":"You Matter! ADHD Adults Need to Be Seen and Heard"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

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All ADHD adults need and deserve validation \u2014 a sense of being heard and seen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you may feel shame when you don\u2019t get as much as your non-ADHD peers. You may also feel shame because you\u2019ve internalized the common wisdom that you shouldn\u2019t need to look to others for validation. But you do, don\u2019t you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the belief that you shouldn\u2019t look outside yourself for validation, you will do damage to your sense of self-worth and self-efficacy if you rely on others for this. Conversely, relying only on self-validation will give you a better sense of self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This understanding of validation is just wrong<\/strong>! Sure, self-validation is important<\/strong>, but we also need validation from others<\/strong>. No doubt, it\u2019s a balancing act \u2014 getting what you need from others and giving yourself what you need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s see why<\/strong> both types of validation are important <\/strong>and how<\/strong> you can have more<\/strong> in your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Does Validation Look Like for ADHD Adults?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

First, let\u2019s get clear on the definition<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When someone validates your experience as an ADHD adult they recognize and accept your thoughts, feelings and behaviors as understandable<\/strong>. That is, they get you and how your ADHD may impact what you do and say. And self-validation is doing the same for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Validation does not mean<\/strong> you or others accept your \u201cADHD behavior\u201d regardless of the consequences. So, while validation is always important, you may still strive to manage those ADHD symptoms that get in the way of reaching your short-term and long-term goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another way to think of validation<\/strong> is having the sense from yourself and others you matter<\/strong>. And anything you say or do, perhaps because of your ADHD, cannot change this. When this is true you feel heard and seen. Sometimes this is from an acknowledgment of your accomplishments and efforts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even when you fall short<\/strong>! This point is really important to emphasize. So, I\u2019m going to do that. \ud83d\ude42 You matter. Even when you say or do things you would rather not because of your ADHD symptoms. You deserve to be heard and seen even when you goof up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Besides, knowing this and having others confirm this will help you do what is essential to you<\/a> \u2014 be productive. Remember, though, you are enough<\/a> even when you are not as productive as you\u2019d like. Yet, you want\/need to get stuff done. I know. And feeling validated will help you do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Opposite of Validation<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, as an ADHD adult, you may be all too familiar with the opposite of validation \u2014 lack of recognition. Sometimes this is a byproduct of your \u201cADHD missteps.\u201d That is, others may decide based on how you present yourself what you say or think doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can almost feel invisible in some situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example<\/strong>, this can happen for ADHD adults when they express themselves strongly. Rather than trying to understand the underlying message, others may just \u201cshut you down.\u201d Because they think you\u2019re overreacting. Subsequently, you may either retreat \u2014 give up \u2014 or become even more frustrated\/angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If emotional regulation is a challenge for you, you may want to work on being more even-tempered<\/a>. At the same time, it is helpful to have people in your life who can \u201chear you,\u201d even when you are a bit more emotional than you\u2019d like. And work with you to give you the space and time you need to regain your composure. If that\u2019s what you need in the moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t I just have to force myself to do what I know I need to do?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I know, like some ADHD adults, you may have come to believe the way to manage your ADHD symptoms and follow through on your important work is to use force<\/strong>. And, you may also think, if you can\u2019t do this for yourself, you need someone else to force you to do what you need to do<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know this because I\u2019ve heard it all too often from people who are interested in coaching who tell me, \u201cI just need someone to make me do\u2026\u201d Fortunately, that\u2019s not my style. It\u2019s fortunate because, even if I tried to be heavy-handed, it would not work. They would resist and end up wasting a lot of time energy and money!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think about it. How do you respond when people in your personal and professional circles try to make you do something you don\u2019t want to do<\/strong>? I bet you resent it<\/strong> and resist their efforts<\/strong>, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Similarly, what happens when you try to force yourself to do something? Think of all the times when, whether conscious or not, you use the following self-talk to try to force yourself to do what you think you should do:<\/p>\n\n\n\n