Part 3: One-on-One Conversations Made Easier with ADHD

Episode Summary

This is a follow-up to Part 1: Why Conversations Are Hard for ADHD Adults and Part 2: How ADHD Adults Can Have Better Group Conversations

One-on-one conversations can be especially challenging for adults with ADHD. Unlike group conversations, one-on-one interactions place sustained, real-time demands on executive functions such as working memory, processing speed, attention regulation, and emotional regulation.

In this episode, you’ll learn why ADHD can make one-on-one conversations feel intense, particularly when there are high stakes, power dynamics, emotional history, or negative feedback involved. We’ll explore how distractibility, impulsivity, shame, and dysregulation can interfere with clear communication.

You’ll also learn ADHD strategies to prepare for important conversations, stay focused during the interaction, regulate emotions in the moment, and follow up afterward when needed.

What You’ll Learn About ADHD and Frustration:

• Why one-on-one conversations can feel more intense than group conversations for adults with ADHD
• How ADHD affects working memory, processing speed, attention, and emotional regulation during real-time conversations
• How high-stakes conversations, power differentials, and rejection sensitivity can amplify stress for ADHD adults
• ADHD strategies for preparing in advance, including choosing timing, environment, and external memory supports
• How to manage distraction, impulsivity, shame, and emotional dysregulation during one-on-one conversations
• Why following up after a conversation can reduce regret and support clearer communication for adults with ADHD

Transcript:

(00:02): Why Are One-on-One Conversations So Intense for Adults with ADHD?

While group conversations can feel chaotic, one-on-one conversations can feel more intense because the spotlight is brighter, no doubt, and the stakes can sometimes feel even higher.

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.

I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD coach and executive function coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

When it comes to one-on-one conversations, how you want to navigate them, of course, depends on the context. That is, are you talking to your boss, partner, a friend, or your child?

(01:01):

You get it. You have different ways of talking to different people in your life. Some come with more ease, and others, well, can be a bit more challenging at times.

And the question that I’ll try to answer today is not necessarily how to make these conversations more comfortable. Of course it’s nice when they are, but how you can go into them with the skills you need to navigate them so you can be more confident that you can handle them in whatever form they take.

The first step that would be useful for you is to understand how your ADHD may be contributing to your challenges with having these types of conversations.

So if you haven’t already, I would encourage you to listen to the first episode, aptly titled Why Conversations Are Hard for ADHD Adults. You can find the link to this episode with the show notes on my website.

(01:58): What Makes a One-on-One Conversation High-Stakes for Someone with ADHD?

And as with any challenge related to your ADHD, the next step is to go into this with self-compassion for the difficulties you may be having, rather than beating yourself up for not being able to communicate in these conversations the way you want, perhaps.

And once you understand how your ADHD may be impacting your ability to have these conversations, and you can accept this with self-compassion, the next step is to be curious.

That is, when thinking about the individual conversations that you find challenging, ask yourself questions such as some of the following, so you can better understand what makes those particular conversations more difficult.

You might start by asking, does this conversation feel like it could be a high-stakes one for me? That is, what do I think could happen if this goes poorly, and am I worried about approval, consequences, conflict, or maybe losing something?

(03:04):

Another question you might consider is, is it challenging because of the content, the person, or maybe it’s the dynamic between us?

Maybe the topic is emotionally loaded for me. Is there a power differential here? Is there a history between us that maybe adds another layer?

And of course, you might want to ask, how does my ADHD show up in these conversations that might make it harder to navigate?

Do I need to organize my thoughts quickly, retrieve facts on the spot? Do I become dysregulated while trying to stay coherent, or am I having difficulty tolerating pauses without blurting out? Or is there something else related to my ADHD that makes these conversations hard?

Well, I’m sure there are other questions. I hope that these will help you get started in being curious about the challenges you are facing in recent one-on-one conversations.

(04:11): How Can Adults with ADHD Prepare for Important One-on-One Conversations?

Then once you’re clearer on what is challenging about these conversations, you’ll be in a better position to address these challenges. I’m sure that makes sense.

So let’s get on with looking at how you can do that.

Of course, sometimes conversations just arise in the moment, so you won’t always be able to prepare for them. But when you can, preparing can go a long way in putting you in a better position to navigate these sensitive conversations.

The first thing you can do is to agree or get a heads up on the topic, perhaps getting an agenda if it’s a work meeting. And then the important piece is to take the time to think about the topic and, if it would help, take some notes so that when you’re going into the conversation, it just won’t be the first time that you’re thinking about it.

(05:28):

You might also, if possible, think about what might be the optimal time for you in terms of when you tend to have the best cognitive capacity for the type of conversation that you’re going into.

Because, as you know, in one-on-one conversations, there’s nowhere to hide. If your capacity to be thoughtful is low, it will, of course, be difficult to navigate, as you can’t take a break as you might be able to do if you were in a group.

For example, having a sensitive conversation with your partner at 10:30 on a weeknight may not work for you if you want to be at your best. But going out for lunch on a weekend might be better.

Similarly, you might decide that having a talk with your boss on Friday at 4:30, when everyone’s thinking about shutting down for the weekend, isn’t ideal. Tuesday mid-morning might work better.

Aside from the time, if you can have input into where you have the conversation, it can also help you to think about what might be the best environment for you.

(06:26): How Can Adults with ADHD Stay Focused During a One-on-One Conversation?

So if you think a particular environment may work better for you, of course, try to have the conversation there.

And regardless of the specific environment, as you may already know, everyone has floating attention, but adults with ADHD tend to have a lot of floating attention.

What this means is that while you’re trying to focus on your primary task at hand, which is engaging in the conversation, you may get distracted by the many other stimuli in your environment.

The trick to managing this is to give your floating attention a job to do.

This might be choosing to have the conversation while going on a walk, taking notes if it’s a work conversation, unobtrusively using a spinner ring as long as it doesn’t distract the other person, or maybe walking on a treadmill if it’s a virtual conversation.

Another way to stay focused on the conversation is to be curious by asking yourself and perhaps the other person questions about what they’re saying.

(07:41):

For example, if your boss is questioning something that you did, as you’re listening, you might ask yourself questions like, I wonder if there was another way I could have handled this. What would he have done in a similar situation? Is there necessarily a right way to do this?

By being curious, you have something to do so that you stay engaged in the conversation at hand, as you have something to anchor your attention.

And as you’re listening with curiosity, you’ll also want to remember key points from the conversation.

Because I bet you’ve heard a time or two from a colleague, a boss, or even perhaps your partner, we talked about that. Don’t you remember?

So whenever you’re having a business meeting, whether it’s about home business or work business, it’s helpful to take notes.

And then this is the key thing: put the information where it needs to be, whether that’s in your task list, calendar, or wherever you keep notes about a particular project to help you remember what you need to remember.

Because having a one-on-one conversation and not remembering the takeaways is just as if you’ve never had the conversation.

And this can be particularly important when it’s a challenging conversation, as your ability to remember what you need to remember might already be taxed to the limit.

(09:19): Why Is It Hard to Say What You Mean in Real Time with ADHD?

But conversations are obviously not just about listening and absorbing information. Part of having a conversation is, of course, saying what you want, whether it’s in response to what the other person is saying or just a thought you have about the topic.

And this can sometimes be really tricky to do in the moment, at least as cogently as you would like.

And as is true with all aspects of conversations, deciding what to say in real time depends on the context.

That is, do you need to be fairly buttoned up and circumspect, or can you be a bit more free to say what you want?

If you’re talking to a colleague or your boss, you probably want to parse your words a little bit more than if you’re talking to your partner or a friend.

And if you’re not sure if you should say something, sometimes it’s best not to say it, at least not in the moment, because this can buy you time to decide whether you want to share your thoughts another time.

(10:25):

Sometimes less is more.

And if you want to share your thoughts but don’t think they’re fully formulated, you might try saying something like, I’m not sure where I’m going to land on this, but here’s what I’m thinking right now.

Okay, so you’re going along listening and speaking, but then all of a sudden you get distracted.

Maybe you can easily get back on track, but other times you may need a little bit of help because you just lost the thread.

You might simply ask, could you say that again?

Or if you got the gist but are just not entirely clear, you may try reflecting what you thought you heard and then ask them if you’ve got it right.

And on the occasion you happen to say something totally random because, well, it happens, the best way to clean this up is to own up and say, I’m sorry, unrelated thought, and then direct it back to what they were saying.

(11:29):

Regardless of how much work you’ve done to upgrade your skills, there may be any number of reasons that the conversation is uncomfortable, and you don’t necessarily have control over all of this.

So sometimes the key is not to figure out how you can be more comfortable, but rather how you can be okay with some discomfort.

This might mean staying in the chair when you want to bolt, not over-explaining to make the tension go away, and not rushing in to fill a pause in the conversation.

And then reminding yourself that you’ll be okay if a conversation is uncomfortable.

This might go a long way in helping you be more confident and willing to have these kinds of conversations.

(12:23): How Should Adults with ADHD Handle Feedback, Shame, or Emotional Dysregulation in Conversations?

But if the challenge you’re having in a conversation is about negative feedback you’re receiving, be aware of when you might be likely to collapse into shame, which is common for ADHD adults.

For example, your boss tells you she’s disappointed in your presentation, and this feedback feels like an indictment of you as a person.

So then your narrative becomes, I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I did that. That’s shame speaking.

And then you may even shut down, unable to continue the conversation.

The alternative is to practice listening to the feedback, as uncomfortable as it might be, and then tell your boss that you’ll think about this feedback.

And then you can decide whether maybe it’s just an opinion and not really accurate, at least from your perspective, or maybe it is accurate.

And if it’s accurate, you can then remind yourself, I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. And now I need to figure out how I can do better next time.

(13:35):

There are a lot of emotions aside from shame that may come up for you during a conversation, and this may lead you to become emotionally dysregulated.

What you do to manage this, of course, again, depends on the context.

If it’s a work conversation, taking some time to ground yourself by doing some breathing, maybe taking some notes, might help you regulate.

But since this is a one-on-one conversation, you’ll need to get back in it pretty quickly.

You may also ask to table the topic for another time, if that seems reasonable.

And if it’s a conversation with your partner, another family member, a friend, or someone in the community, you might decide to be more forthright and let them know you’d rather not have the conversation right now but would be willing to revisit it another time.

I know this isn’t always possible, but you can keep this option in your toolbox.

(14:41):

And last, as compelled as you might feel in the moment to say everything you think needs to be said in a conversation, a conversation, remember, is just a snapshot in time.

If you need to follow up and clarify or talk again, then often you can do that.

Again, if you’re not sure if something needs to be said or you want to say it or should be said, leaving it unsaid can be a good thing.

Because, as you well know, you can’t take something back. You can add something later, right?

Anyway, what I hope you’re taking away from this episode is that yes, one-on-one conversations can be challenging at times, but they’re not hard because you’re bad at communication.

They’re often hard because the real-time executive function demands they place on you are really large.

And when you understand that, you can prepare in advance when possible, and you can have a few tools in your toolbox to lean on during the conversation itself, so you’re not just winging it and hoping for the best.

That’s it for now.

If this resonated with you and you’d like more strategies for working with your ADHD, please follow the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes and click like so more people who might benefit can find it.

Until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD.

I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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ADHD Adults and 1-1 Conversation Resources:

• Discover why conversations are difficult for adults with ADHD in Part 1: Why Conversations Are Hard For ADHD Adults
• Learn how to navigate group conversations with greater ease, Part 2: How ADHD Adults Can Have Better Group Conversations
• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• Here is how you can take notes in Notetaking Strategies For ADHD Adults