DESCRIPTION:
If you want to manage your ADHD and reach your goals with greater ease, you’ll want to learn how to be more self-compassionate. And you can do that with the techniques I share in this podcast.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- You may be compassionate to others, but not to yourself.
- Self-compassion is a critical part of managing your ADHD.
- The three elements of self-compassion are: accepting your feelings, being kind to yourself, and recognizing you are not alone
- Self-compassion will not only help you feel more grounded but will make the journey towards your goals easier.
RESOURCES:
BOOKS:
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT by Russ Harris
The Illustrated Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris
ARTICLE:
How to Move on Successfully After Making a Mistake
TRANSCRIPT:
I know you have big goals you want to reach including learning how to work better with your ADHD. But did you know self-compassion is key to effectively managing your ADHD?
You’ve tuned into Scattered, Focused, Done – Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD, adults, like you, who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD. So you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.
00:50:
What first comes to mind when you think of self-compassion? Like many ADHD adults, if you haven’t thought about this before, your initial reaction might be to equate compassion with feeling sorry for yourself, pitying yourself. If this is what you think, you might also believe self-compassion will result in you being less productive than you are now. Because, while you’re wallowing and self-pity, so you’re thinking goes, you let your guard down and not push yourself enough.
Let me start by clearing this up. First, a bit about pity. When you engage in self-pity. Maybe, because of your ADHD and other challenges, you feel bad for yourself and maybe unknowingly view yourself as less than your neurotypical peers. Then you might become even more of a hot mess because that may lead you to spiral into shame and blame. But self-compassion is not the same as pity. The definition I use is from Kristen Neff, who I consider one of the go-to experts on self-compassion.
01:59:
She includes three elements, which I’ll summarize before going on to each of them more in depth.
One element is being aware of and able to identify and be with uncomfortable emotions, like anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger, rather than trying to ignore, even run away from them.
Another element of self-compassion is recognizing you are not alone in your suffering. That is, you acknowledge others have challenges too. Though they may or may not be the same as yours.
The third element of self-compassion is being kind to yourself, even when, maybe especially when, because of your ADHD challenges or other challenges, you may not meet the expectations you set for yourself.
By the way, if you’re curious to learn more about Neff’s work on self-compassion, I’ve included a link to both her book and website in the resource section of this podcast on my website. Now let’s take a look at each of these more in depth, starting with being with your emotions.
03:09:
When you are feeling anxious, afraid, sad, or angry, you know, one of the emotions you think of as being negative because they make you feel so miserable, you may try to outrun them in some way. Maybe you eat your feelings, distract yourself from them by going online or watching TV, maybe even drinking or using some other substance. But you already know when you’re done trying to outrun them they’re right there waiting for you, right? Not only are your feelings like a boomerang, because you just can’t outrun them, but doing so can lead to other negative consequences in your life.
For one, rather than getting rid of these unwanted feelings, they likely will become magnified and even lead to other unwanted at feelings. So, for example, if you’re feeling anxious, you may get angry at yourself or feeling this way, and then even sad that you have anxiety. Sound familiar?
04:12:
And the more you judge yourself for having these feelings, rather than accepting them, the bigger they will get. Also, because you’re trying to ignore them or extinguish them, they may come sideways in ways you don’t want. So, then your relationships may suffer. And then, of course, you end up feeling worse. Another possible outcome of trying to run from your feelings is your productivity suffers because, instead doing what’s important to you, you’re engaging in activities that temporarily allow you not to feel what you consider negative feelings.
But when you can practice self-compassion, you accept the reality that things will go wrong, won’t always turn out the way you want, and, as a result, you’re going to have uncomfortable feelings. While having uncomfortable feelings is unavoidable, you can stop the struggle that leads to the negative outcomes of trying to run away from them. Instead, you can learn to stay in the moment, acknowledge and make space for these feelings, whether negative or positive.
05:30:
And later decide which of the feelings you’re going to let go of and which ones might actually be useful to guide what you do next. But first you just want to allow your feelings to be and not go into problem solving mode. The first thing you need to do is remember these feelings aren’t reality. They’re just words, sensations, and images. And, like the weather, they come and go. One moment you might be feeling positive and then, like a cold front coming in, suddenly you might have a negative feeling. When you can practice being with your feelings and allowing them to flow through you you can lessen the hold they have over you.
For example, if you make a mistake at work, you might ruminate about it and decide that you’re a failure. And you know how that can sap your time and energy, right? Some of the techniques based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, psychologists and author of The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris recommends are. Say to yourself, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.”
06:42:
You can also tell yourself, “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” Say the thought I’m a failure in a cartoon character’s voice like Bugs Bunny, or sing it to yourself, to the tune of happy birthday. And another technique is to take 10 deep breaths as slowly as possible, and notice how you feel as you inhale and exhale. And, as you practice some of these techniques, you will be better able to be with your feelings. So they don’t have control over you in the moment. And then you can spend your time doing what is most meaningful to you. Even if you might later decide to take action, to address whatever precipitated these feelings. That’s for another podcast.
I highly recommend The Happiness Trap. If you’re interested in learning more about how to do some of the things that I’ve suggested. And I’ve included the link to Harris’s website with the podcast on my website. When you are accepting your feelings, rather than berating yourself for, well, being human, you are being kind to yourself, which is the second element of self compassion.
07:58:
And, while I know you know how to be kind because you extend kindness to other people all the time, you may not do such a good job of being kind to yourself. For example, when you make a mistake at work, the example I’ve been using, you may not be very kind to yourself, right?
But, when someone in your professional circles reveals to you their concern after making an honest mistake, you might say something like, “Everybody screws up sometimes. Stuff happens. I know it doesn’t feel good, though. Sorry, you have to go through this.” You might even offer to help them fix the mistake.
When you’re practicing self-compassion, you extend the same kindness to yourself. You do this by first practicing the first element of self-compassion, which as I mentioned, is noticing and accepting your feelings. And acknowledging that it’s hard to be in the position of making a mistake and needing to fix it.
08:59:
Really, you might even say it out loud. “This is really hard.” Then ask yourself in the same way you would ask someone you care about, “What do I need right now?” You might decide you need to take a break to clear your head. You’ll also might decide it would help for you to talk to someone just to get support.
As I touched on earlier, practicing self-compassion doesn’t mean you might not eventually try to figure out how to avoid the same mistake going forward. But it does mean not going into problem solving mode right away. Because if you do, you might spiral into shame and blame, instead of being kind to yourself. And then, if you do this, you’ll feel even worse.
As Neff says, “Instead of mercilessly, judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. After all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect.
10:06:
So, if you’re kind to yourself and recognize you are imperfect, like the rest of us, you’ll feel more a sense of calm even when you’re facing a difficult situation. And that takes us to the third element of self-compassion, which is, as Neff notes, that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. So, in the example I’ve been using of making a mistake at work, when this happens to you, because it will, if you’re being self-compassionate, you’ll want to remember everyone makes mistakes. You are not alone.
Yet, when you make a mistake, you may tell yourself, “I’m a real screw up.” And maybe even wonder, “Why does this happen to me? Why can’t I have it together like everyone else?” You may even attribute these screwups to your ADHD. Then if you don’t catch yourself, you may feel like you’re all alone, because everyone has it together but you or so you think.
11:14:
Then you’ll end up feeling less confident in your ability to do your work, which can make it even harder to focus and follow through on what you need to do. So, what started out as one mistake may result in your other work suffering. And then making you even less confident in your ability to do your work. As if this fallout from making mistake isn’t enough, when you’re not practicing self-compassion, you may isolate yourself from your colleagues. Because you just don’t want them to see what a screwup you are. So, instead of reaching out for help when you need it, you decide you’re just going to try to figure it out on your own. And, while you’re putting all your effort into figuring this out on your own, your other work may, yes, suffer even more.
Practicing self compassion can help you avoid this cycle because you’ll remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
12:17:
So, when you make mistakes at work, again the example I’m using in this episode, you’ll remind yourself, “Everyone makes mistakes. I’m not the only one. Even though it feels like it right now.” And, just as you may be suffering in that moment, you’ll remind yourself that others, yes, suffer, too. Even though they may not suffer in the same way you are. And you may not always be able to see it in others. When it comes to making mistakes and having uncomfortable feelings, you’ll also remind yourself that it’s not something that just happens to you. It happens to everyone.
Sure, intellectually, I know you get this. But are you using this knowledge to practice self-compassion, rather than judging and isolating yourself? If not, I want to invite you to start doing so. And, hopefully, that will allow you to be more vulnerable in sharing your foibles, so to speak, with others, at least those you feel comfortable with, rather than hiding out. Also reach out for help when you need it.
13:31:
Now I’ve said this before, but being self compassionate does not mean you can’t make any changes to make your life better, if you choose to. It does, however, mean, if you decide to make any changes, you do so, not because you’re unacceptable as you are. But because you care about yourself and want to be healthy. In fact, when you practice self-compassion, if you choose to make any changes to address your ADHD or other challenges, it will likely be easier to do so.
For one, you will have better emotional self-regulation, which as you know can be a challenge for ADHD adults. Because, as part of practicing self-compassion, you will be using techniques to be with and accept your difficult emotions. And, as you build these skills to regulate your emotions, you’ll have an easier time reaching and maintaining your goals.
In addition, remember practicing self-compassion means being kind to yourself. As you practice being kind to yourself, you’ll be more willing to accept what you can and cannot change about your ADHD challenges, while also figuring out how to operate in a way that works best for you. Regardless of what you see other people doing. Being kind to yourself also means acknowledging that the journey may be difficult. And asking your yourself along the way, “What can I do to help myself right now?”
15:17:
Another way that self-compassion might make it easier to make the changes you envision, including those related to your ADHD, is that you might be more willing to reach out for help, whether from peers or professionals. Because you just won’t feel the need to hide your shortcomings and isolate yourself. As you will remember that imperfection is, yes, part of the shared human experience.
Practicing self-compassion will make your journey towards your goals easier. It will be less stressful and less overwhelming. So, which of the three elements I shared would you like to start practicing this week?
That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults, with ADHD, please do check out my website, marla cummins dot com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two today from today’s podcast, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles, you think might also benefit. And, until next time, this has been Scattered, Focused, Done. And I’m Marla Cummins wishing you all the very best on your journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD.