Self-Compassion, Productivity and ADHD

DESCRIPTION:

Because your goal is not just to get to the finish line, get stuff done. But you also want to feel less stress and overwhelm along the way, right? And, without self-compassion, your experience in getting to the finish line will likely continue to be full of stress and overwhelm.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• There is a difference between pity and self-compassion
• When you try run away from emotions you likely end up magnifying them
• One way to learn to live with your negative feelings so they have less of a hold over you is by learning how to use ACT
• To reach your goals effectively, in addition to accepting your thoughts, it’s also important to accept yourself as you are.
• When you develop self-compassion you will likely be in a better position to address your ADHD challenges.

RESOURCES:

Book:

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

TRANSCRIPT:

(00:02):

If you want to be productive, being self-compassion is a key step. You’ve turned into Scattered, Focused, Done, Re-imagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD, adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey to re-imagining productivity with ADHD, so you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else. Maybe you found my blog because you want to learn how to be more productive as an ADHD adult. If so, then you’ll want to know that ADHD adults need self-compassion to reach their goals. Really. Because without self-compassion, it will be much, much harder to be productive.

(01:01):

Do what’s meaningful and important to you. Are you in? Not sure? If not, it might be because you equate compassion with pity. And if that’s the case, you might think self-compassion might mean you’ll be less productive and people will take advantage of you. To avoid this, you try not to let your guard down and continue to push yourself to prove to others you are capable. Here’s the good news. You won’t need to engage in self pity. But when you start to develop more self-compassion and lean into it as one of your go-to strategies, you will feel more grounded, confident, and have better relationships, and yes, be more productive. Curious how you can develop more compassion to achieve these results while working with your ADHD? Let’s get on with it then. And I’ll start by differentiating between pity and self-compassion. When you pity someone, you feel bad for them or sympathetic right?

(02:07):

However, you may also view them as less than. And if you are pitting yourself because of your ADHD challenges, you may view yourself as less perhaps than your neurotypical peers. And this may lead to a seemingly never ending shame and blame spiral. On the other hand, when you exhibit self-compassion about your ADHD, you will, and this definition comes from Dr. Christie Neff. You will have more mindful and be more mindful of your negative emotions. Once you don’t want that is you can identify and be with your emotions. But don’t waste time and energy avoiding or running away from them. You also recognize that, well, your challenges may be related to your A DHD, you are not alone in your suffering. That is you can acknowledge others suffer as well, whether they have ADHD or not. And the third one is that you are kind to yourself even when you feel you fall short of yours or others’ expectations because of your A DHD challenges.

(03:23):

Okay, that was the CliffNotes version. Let’s take a deeper dive into each of these. When you feel negative emotions, you may try to run away from them. Well, it makes sense. You don’t want to feel the way you are feeling. Rather than extinguishing these emotions, you’ll likely end up magnifying them. Then they may come out sideways in ways you don’t want and you feel worse, right? You just can’t outrun your emotions. Moreover, the time and energy you use doing this means your productivity and relationships may suffer because you aren’t using your time and energy doing what is most meaningful to you, including creating authentic relationships. But what if instead of feeling shame and frustration about your emotions, you are more self-compassionate. That is, what if you accepted things will sometimes not turn out the way you want, and you might have uncomfortable feelings as a result whether they are related to your ADHD or not.

(04:31):

If you are searching for what that one person is that will change your life, just take a look in the mirror. One way to learn to live with your negative feelings so they have less of a hold over you is by learning how to use acceptance and commitment therapy techniques. These techniques can help you stop struggling with your thoughts and feelings. Stay in the moment and accept and acknowledge your feelings rather than trying to avoid them. The first step is to remember how your thoughts are just words, sensations and images, not reality. When you take them as reality, that is you fuse with them, they can cause you pain. But if you practice diffusion, you can immediately lessen the hold they have on you. For example, you could diffuse the common thought. I am a failure with one of the following techniques recommended by Happiness Trap author Russ Harris.

(05:39):

First, tell yourself I’m having the thought that I’m a failure. You could even go further and tell yourself, I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a failure. Two, take the thought and sing it to yourself to the tune of Happy Birthday. Three. Try hearing the thought in a cartoon character’s voice like Mickey Mouse. Four, take 10 deep breaths as slowly as possible and notice the sensations as you inhale and exhale. And as you practice, notice how the thought has less of a hook on you. And remember, the goal is not to get rid of your thoughts. Rather, the goal is to lessen their impact so you can take effective action. That’s right. Self-compassion can help you act in alignment with your values. Nice, right to reach your goals effectively. In addition to accepting your thoughts, it’s also important to accept yourself as you are.

(06:48):

This doesn’t mean you can’t also learn how to work better with your ADHD. You can both accept yourself and work on managing your A DHD. Yet over time, you may not follow them and did not even intentionally adopt. I bet the internalized rules that you have, the shoulds, maybe they originally came from family, friends, social media books, the internet, whether you follow them or not, they weigh on you like a ton of bricks, right? For example, you might think you should be able to socialize or network easily in large gatherings, or maybe communicate your ideas clearly on the spot in meetings and a third organize and execute large projects on your own. But your ADHD might make these activities difficult to do, yet you keep on trying. And when you can’t follow through your self-imposed rules, you feel shame and frustration at your perceived inadequacies and might even think of yourself as an imposter, maybe wondering when others will find out you just don’t belong.

(08:13):

These internalized rules or shoulds are definitely not helping you reach your goals. One way to get rid of your shoulds is yes to develop self-compassion. According to Dr. Neff, if you are treating yourself with self-compassion, you would instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings. After all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect to consider how you might be kinder to. You can start by thinking about how you treat others who are struggling in similar situations. Are you as judgmental and critical of others as you are of yourself? I’m pretty sure the answer for most of you is, well, no. But how do you treat yourself when you are struggling making mistakes and sometimes fail? Well, you might demonstrate compassion and reach out to help others when they need help.

(09:24):

You might not be as compassionate with yourself. Rather, you might resort to shame and blame rather than demonstrating the kindness you do to others. One way to counter this tendency and treat yourself with more compassion is to acknowledge when you are having a difficult time. Rather than ignoring your suffering by stopping in the moment, reminding yourself of what you’re trying to do and telling yourself this is really hard. Then considering what would make it easier and who might be able to help you. Acknowledging your challenges and figuring out the workarounds is one way to minimize your shoulds. And remember that being you is really enough. Yet, if you feel all alone in doing this, you may have a hard time sustaining these beliefs over the long run. And right now you may feel alone as if you’re the only one with these challenges. You look around and think, why can’t I have it together like everyone else. Though, others are certainly suffering in different ways, you may not see it, and this loneliness leaves you feeling depleted, unable to fully focus and attend to what is important to you.

(10:47):

Consequently, because you’re not doing your best work, you may feel less than, and when you feel less than and all alone. You may even further isolate yourself from others because you don’t want others to see the real you. Of course, this only exacerbates your feelings of aloneness and you continue to isolate yourself, not wanting others to see how broken you are. Although you’re not. You also may resist asking for help, the help that you need. Because you think asking for help is just another indication You are not good enough. And you don’t reach out when you need to. For example, when you’re stuck on a project at work, when you can’t make heads or tails of your finances or your physical space is a mess and you don’t know how to organize it, or maybe when you don’t know how to create a plan to manage your ADHD. Instead of reaching out, you decide you just need to try harder.

(11:51):

But those efforts likely don’t get you any closer to your goals. A vicious cycle, no doubt. The antidote, so you don’t feel alone is to remember everyone has their stuff, though you may not be able to see it. Yes, I know your challenges, at least some of them are related to your A DHD. Okay? So you just have different challenges than your neurotypical peers. But everyone has challenges and suffers at times. Everyone. If you’re ready to buy into that, the next step is to reach out and find your people, people who can support you. When you do this and you’re willing to be vulnerable, be yourself, you’ll feel less alone. They might be friends, family, colleagues, and or professionals. What do you need right now so you don’t feel alone? Is it a friend to go hiking with, an organizer to help you get your house in shape, or something else?

(12:55):

The more you reach out, the more you’ll be able to live in alignment with what is important to you. In part because you’ll feel connected, validated, and this will energize you, and obviously you’ll be in a better position to reach your goals if you reach out to people who can help you in a specific way. So I’ve already established self-compassion is not the same as pity, and with more self-compassion, you might be willing to reach out for the help that you need. Yet, you may still be wondering if self-compassion means accepting yourself just the way you are and not making any changes. It doesn’t. I can assure you that’s just the opposite. As Christie Neff points out, you may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are.

(13:59):

When you develop self-compassion, you will likely be in a better position to address your ADHD challenges. As you will understand, you are really not crazy, lazy, or stupid, rather that your ADHD challenges stem from a brain-based biological disorder. And with this understanding, you can then be willing to accept what you can’t choose or not to change, able to figure out creative workarounds for the challenges you can. And choose to address whether related to your ADHD or not, and access the support you need to work with your A DHD. No doubt. Developing self-compassion is one of the cornerstones of any to manage your A DHD.

(14:56):

I know that saying that ADHD adults need self-compassion to reach their goals is a pretty bold statement. But it’s true because your goal is not just to get to the finish line, get stuff done. But you also want to feel less stress and overwhelm along the way. And without self-compassion, your experience in getting to the finish line will likely continue to be full of stress and overwhelm. So are you in ready to do the work of developing more self-compassion? If you’re interested, you can always read the book by Christine Neff, Self-Compassion, the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself If you want to be Productive, being self-compassionate with yourself is a key step.

And that’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, check out my website, marlacummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might also benefit. And until next time, this has been Scattered focused, done. And I’m Marla Cummins. Wishing you all the very best on your journey to re-Imagining Productivity with ADHD.