Part 2: How ADHD Adults Can Have Better Group Conversations
Episode Summary:
Group conversations place heavy, real-time demands on attention, working memory, processing speed, emotional regulation, and self-monitoring—areas that are often challenging for adults with ADHD. As a result, participating in meetings, social gatherings, or other group settings can feel exhausting, disorienting, or high-pressure.
In this episode, you’ll learn practical, ADHD-informed strategies for participating more effectively in group conversations. We look at what helps before a group interaction, how mindset influences engagement, and specific tools you can use during both structured settings (like meetings) and unstructured settings (like social or networking events).
Rather than focusing on performing or “keeping up,” this episode emphasizes working with your ADHD to stay oriented, reduce overwhelm, and contribute in ways that feel more manageable and authentic.
What You’ll Learn About ADHD Adults and Group Conversations:
- How to prepare before a group conversation so you arrive less flustered, including timing medication, reducing environmental distractions, and building buffers
- How to decide your role and goal ahead of time, whether that means observing, contributing once, or setting a simple goal for social or networking events
- How to stay engaged in unstructured group settings by using curiosity and active listening, including asking yourself questions so your attention has somewhere to land
- How to use structured-setting tools in meetings, including curiosity to stay oriented, notetaking to externalize memory demands, and simple ways to re-enter when you lose the thread
- How to contribute in meetings without overthinking, including sharing “half-baked” thoughts, asking permission to jump in, using brief guardrails while speaking, and handling interruptions gracefully
Transcript:
(00:02)
Do you find it hard to track and participate in group conversations? When it comes to communication, group conversations can be some of the most difficult for adults with ADHD, but there are strategies you can use to make them easier.
You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.
I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD coach and executive function coach. And I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.
Group conversations are just structurally hard for adults with ADHD. And I went over some of the reasons why in my recent podcast entitled Why Conversations are Hard for ADHD Adults.
(01:04)
And if you haven’t listened to that one yet, I encourage you to go ahead and listen to it when you get a chance, as it’ll help ground you better in why the strategies I’m about to share with you might help.
First, take a moment to think about what you would like it to look like when you are successfully participating in group conversations. Are you trying to stay oriented to the conversation more often? Maybe you want to contribute at least once or more, or maybe it’s about managing your emotions better.
Whatever it is for you, if you find yourself with a long list of challenges that you have when it comes to participating in groups, start small and focus on maybe one or two of these challenges.
Let’s start by looking at what you can do prior to a conversation to put yourself in the best position possible to participate the way you want.
(02:04) How ADHD Adults Can Prepare for Group Conversations in Advance
Also, as you’re listening and thinking about which of the strategies might be the most helpful, consider creating a checklist that you can use later so you don’t have to rely on your memory, which you know is a little wonky.
Okay, here we go.
Before we even talk about what to do in the moment, I want to start with what happens before you walk into the room or before you click join on Zoom. Because some of the struggles you may have in group conversations can be mitigated before the conversation even starts.
First, medication. If you take medication for your ADHD, having it working when you need it can make a real difference. Not because it turns you into a different person, but because it can support focus, attention, and regulation, which is exactly what group conversations demand. If this is an important meeting or maybe a high-stakes group setting, it’s worth also thinking about timing when you take your medication.
(03:11)
So you get, so to speak, the most bang for the buck.
Also, consider what you can do so the environment works best for you. If it’s in person and you have a choice, consider where you want to sit so that you’re comfortable, not distracted and best able to focus.
I may not need to say this, but also make sure you’re appropriately dressed so you’re not distracted because you’re too cold or too warm. Maybe wear layers if you’re not sure what the temperature is going to be.
And being hangry is real. So make sure you’ve eaten and had enough water. You get it. You don’t want the environment to be a distraction.
And what about preparing to get there on time? One of the easiest ways to get off on the wrong foot, as you know, in a group is arriving late, flustered, as if you’re sliding into home base.
(04:03) Reducing Distractions and Emotional Overload Before Group Conversations
Because if you are already keyed up, it takes less for you to lose the thread, get distracted, or maybe even get dysregulated.
To alleviate this, put a block in your calendar in advance that accounts for at least the travel time if it’s in person, and perhaps a block of time for getting ready if that’s one of your sticking points.
Similarly, if it’s a video call, put in a block to get ready. Make sure the hardware and software are working, and you have everything you need, notes, agenda, water, et cetera, and you’ve gone to the bathroom.
One of the challenges I often see is not wanting to arrive early and be bored. Because then what are you going to do? So make a plan for what you can do. Bring something to read, look at the agenda, something like that.
Beyond getting ready, think about your role and goals. That can help you decide how you want to participate.
(05:01)
You may decide you’re just there to observe and not to actively participate. That’s okay.
Alternatively, you may decide that your goal is to contribute once or twice or three times, whatever it is, and then be done. Of course, depending on the context, you may not want to have such a structured plan, but you could.
If it’s a less structured setting, like a social gathering or a networking event, maybe you decide to stay for a limited amount of time, make contact with at least one person, and then take off.
The point is to decide ahead of time what success looks like for you so you’re not trying to figure it out while you’re also trying to keep up.
It can also help to do a little content prep. If it’s a meeting, that might mean looking at the agenda and jotting down a few thoughts in advance.
(05:56)
If it’s a social setting, it might mean having a couple of easy opening questions ready. You don’t need to have everything pre-planned, just enough so you’re not starting from zero.
And last, think about your usual derailers in that specific context. Not in general. In the setting you’re going into.
Is your phone a problem? If so, turn off notifications.
Are you likely to get emotionally activated? If so, do something simple beforehand to steady yourself, even if it’s just taking a minute to breathe before you walk in.
(06:35)
And while I’ve just finished telling you about a number of things you might do in advance to prepare, it’s also important to remain flexible. The best way to do this is once you’ve done your due diligence, as a colleague of mine used to say, “Let the fish fly.”
I’m sure there are other things that I haven’t mentioned that may help you feel as prepared as possible to go into group conversations.
And hopefully, whatever planning you choose to do is helpful. But it may not be, at least not to the degree that you hope. Well, because stuff happens that you can’t anticipate, right? And you want to have the flexibility going into the group setting to be able to pivot as needed.
Now, that doesn’t mean that you don’t plan. That just means that you prepare in advance so that hopefully the biggest obstacles that you usually get in your way are mitigated.
(07:35) Mindset Shifts That Help ADHD Adults in Group Conversations
And then remember, however things turn out, you did the best you could.
Now I want to pivot and talk about what you can do during a conversation that can help you stay engaged in the way you want.
First, once you enter the room, whether an actual or video room, your mindset really matters, especially when it comes to whether your goal is to fit in or to find places where you feel like you belong.
Brene Brown talks about this when she distinguishes between the two.
Fitting in, she notes, asks you to performatively behave by assessing a group and altering your behavior, appearance or beliefs to match theirs. No doubt, that’s a heavy lift in terms of executive function and can feel much like erasure.
Yes, you may want to upgrade some of your skills to be able to interact better in groups, especially so you can feel more comfortable interacting in groups where you need to be, such as work-related ones.
(08:38)
And I’ll get to that in a bit.
And then if it’s not a group that you need to be in, consider if the reason that it’s not going well, if it’s not going well for you, is that it’s just not your people.
Whether it’s a group setting that you’re obligated to be in or one that you choose to be in, entering the room so that your authentic self appears, even if it means potentially being alone, will probably give you a better chance of attracting people who are a fit for you, so you don’t have to focus on fitting in.
Going in with a helpful mindset is a good first step, so you can stop worrying about performing or fitting in.
Now let’s look at how you can give your attention somewhere to land in unstructured settings, such as a social or perhaps networking event. So you can take some pressure off trying to say the right thing or do it at the right time.
(09:38) How to Stay Engaged in Unstructured Group Conversations with ADHD
And you can do this by leaning into curiosity and active listening to help you.
So one way to do this is to choose to ask questions of the speaker, or alternatively, ask yourself questions about what they’re saying.
For example, if they’re telling you about their latest scuba diving trip, you may choose to ask them a question or two, or just think to yourself, “I wonder how many times they gone. How did they decide where to go? I wonder what they liked about each place.”
Being curious in this way can help you stay engaged in the conversation, whether you are talking aloud or not.
Of course, you also want to speak, and don’t worry about the perfect timing.
If it seems by their look when you interrupt them that they weren’t done with their thought, you can always say, “Hey, sorry, did you want to finish that thought?”
Now, hopefully, they’ll also be curious, maybe ask you questions or be interested when you share. But there’s no guarantee.
(10:43)
We’ve all been at that event where we get cornered by a person who talks our ear off or interrupts us when we speak, right?
Unlike perhaps more structured settings, you don’t need to stay. It’s not impolite to excuse yourself. At least that’s my take on it.
So go ahead. Excuse yourself. Go to the bathroom, take a walk, find someone else to talk to. You don’t owe them your time.
You may also choose to excuse yourself so you can regulate and ground yourself if you’re feeling a bit overstimulated or even dysregulated. Again, take a walk, go to the bathroom, do some breathing, whatever you need.
While you will need other strategies in more structured settings, like meetings, some of the strategies I just shared will also be useful in a more structured setting, particularly curiosity.
You can use this in meetings when you start to get distracted, so instead of letting your thoughts take their trip as they will do, get curious about what people are saying.
(11:52) Strategies for Participating in Structured Meetings with ADHD
For example, if a colleague is talking about a project, you may think to yourself, “I wonder how that’s going to impact my project, and what are they thinking about the timeline? And I wonder if they’re going to pull me into it.”
Actively listening like this can help you avoid going down a rabbit thought hole.
(12:14)
To do this, it will also help you to externalize your thinking and your memory demands by, of course, taking notes.
Taking notes can help you not to worry about forgetting your ideas, whether they’re related to the meeting or not.
I’ve included a link to my podcast about notetaking with the show notes and my website.
Obviously, depending on your role and the context, you will also want to contribute to the meeting, and you should. But this is where it can get really tricky for ADHD adults, as all sorts of questions can swirl about for you at the critical moment of choice.
Like, is it worth sharing? Did somebody already say that? Am I talking too much? Are people going to think my ideas are stupid? And what if I’m out of sync with what everyone else is saying? Maybe I’m just wrong.
And as you’re doing all this meta-thinking, it’s of course much harder to synthesize what’s going on in the meeting and share your thoughts.
(13:18)
The first step to turning this around is to not worry so much about sharing a perfectly formulated thought. But since meetings move fast and you won’t have a lot of time, you may still choose to write down some bullet points before speaking to help you stay on point.
If you’re still worried that your ideas are, well, half-baked, which they might be, you might say something like, “I’m not sure where I’ll eventually land, but this is what I’m thinking right now.”
And when it comes time to deciding when to speak, asking for permission from whoever is speaking in the moment can help your interjection land more softly.
You could do this by saying something like, “Is it okay if I jump in, or do you need to finish that thought?”
And what about deciding which of the many ideas that pop up for you are worth sharing?
(14:14)
I know some of you may default to not saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.
To be sure you contribute something and also have guardrails, you might decide to share once or twice so that you don’t have to worry about either undersharing or perhaps oversharing.
Also, when you do speak, try to say a sentence and a period. So say three sentences and a period after each sentence, and then take a moment to read the room and see if people are following you or if they look a little confused.
And if somebody interrupts you, perhaps because you’re processing while you’re talking and maybe talking a little bit slower, then if you need to finish, just let them know by saying something, “Hey, can you hang on just one second? I just need to finish this thought. Thanks.”
(15:12) Key Takeaways: Making Group Conversations More Manageable with ADHD
Anyway, what I hope you’re taking away from this episode is that struggling in group conversations doesn’t mean you’re bad at communication. It usually means the situation is placing heavy demands on your attention, working memory, emotional regulation, and timing all at once.
But when you plan ahead, loosen the pressure to perform, and give yourself a few reliable ways to stay oriented, group conversations can become more manageable.
So that’s it for now. If this resonated with you and you want to hear more strategies for working with your ADHD, please follow the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes.
And also, please click like so that other people who might benefit can find it more easily.
Until next time, this has been re-imagining productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.
ADHD Adults and Group Conversation Resources:
- Discover why conversations are difficult for adults with ADHD in Part 1: Why Conversations Are Hard For ADHD Adults
- Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
- Here is how you can take notes in Notetaking Strategies For ADHD Adults
