(originally published September 18, 2015, updated December 12, 2022 )
In my previous post, Part 1 – ADHD Adults Communicate Better Using These 7 Listening Tips, I explored some of the challenges you may have listening well. And suggested strategies you could use to listen better. But, if you’re interested in communicating better, you likely also want to learn how to improve your ability to convey your thoughts.
And, as true with listening, your ADHD likely contributes to the challenges you have making yourself understood. I’ll explore some of the reasons for this below. But your ADHD is only a piece of the puzzle. Because your communication patterns have also become a habit.
And this is the good news! Because, once you better understand how your ADHD may get in your way, you can learn and practice changing those communication habits that do not serve you. So you can make yourself better understood in conversations.
Ready to see how to do this?
It’s Not Just Your ADHD That May Be Getting in Your Way
Before digging into how your ADHD may get in your way of communicating the way you want, it’s important to remember you may have other challenges contributing to this. And, yes, I know this may seem obvious. Maybe it is anxiety, lack of sleep, being hungry (really), self-confidence, or something else.
Think about the various contexts where you want to communicate better. Do you know of any other challenges that may be getting in your way? If you aren’t addressing these, take a beat to consider how you might do so going forward.
And now back to the ADHD portion of the show… 😉
How ADHD Memory Challenges Affect Your Ability to Communicate
First, remember, the filing system for organizing information in your brain is inefficient for ADHD adults. That is, you may not file words or ideas in the same place consistently. So, when you are in a conversation, you may have difficulty retrieving information when you need it from your long-term memory .
In addition, because of your ADHD, your working memory, which is only 10 to 15 seconds, has a limited capacity. So, you may have a thought on the tip of your tongue. But, before you can share it, it may get crowded out by either other thoughts or something in your environment you notice. Yes, it could be the fly. Because there is not enough room in your working memory.
ADHD Tendency to Pay Attention to Everything Makes It Hard to Communicate
One of the reasons for so much competition for your working memory is that you pay attention to everything. Attention deficit is a misnomer. In fact, you have difficulty filtering out distractions. So, when you have a thought in a conversation, it may be competing with all the other stimuli.
Whether it’s your internal thoughts and feelings or something in your environment. So, while you are having a conversation, you may be thinking:
- When is that car alarm going to shut off?
- What did he mean?
- That fly is loud!
- What should I say next?
I’m sure you’ve experienced this. And, when you cannot weed out all this extraneous noise, it will obviously be more difficult for you to focus on the conversation, put together your thoughts and convey them clearly. And when this occurs you may even become intensely frustrated.
Difficulty Managing Emotions Can Make Conversations Challenging for ADHD Adults
Your tendency to become frustrated is another ADHD challenge you may experience that can hinder your ability to communicate the way you want.
Because, like many ADHD adults, you may get more easily triggered and feel your emotions more intensely than your neurotypical peers. In addition, you may experience your frustration for longer periods. Because it is more difficult for your to get your frontal lobe, your thinking brain, back online.
I’m sure you see where this is going… Your ADHD can make it harder to manage your emotions. And, when you can’t regulate your emotions in a conversation, it will naturally be more difficult to focus on the discussion. Consequently, it will, of course, be harder to convey your ideas the way you want.
What You Think It Looks Like When You Can’t Communicate Well
In addition to understanding how your ADHD affects your ability to communicate, it is also helpful to know how you respond in the moment. I bet, when you are having a difficult time conveying your thoughts, you may think it looks to others as though:
- you are confused and do not understand what is going on.
- you do not have a grasp of the content.
- you are not listening and do not care.
- you aren’t that bright.
None of these are true, of course!
But you may impulsively blurt out whatever comes to mind, perhaps even taking over, so you can stay involved. Of course, the conversation may get messy, especially if you are not articulating what you really want to say.
Alternatively, you may get so frustrated or ashamed at not being able to articulate your ideas, you shut down. Then, you might slide even more into a shame spiral because of what you think other people are thinking as you sit there in silence.
Following are 5 tips you can use to avoid either shutting down or blurting out and to better manage your ADHD symptoms.
Tip #1 – Come Prepared
I know it isn’t always possible to prepare for a conversation.
Think of a time you prepared for one. I’m sure it was helpful. Maybe you just thought about the topic in advance. Perhaps you reviewed materials, such as emails and notes from previous conversations, and even jotted down a few thoughts and questions.
Whatever the type of preparation, it was probably easier for you to formulate what you wanted to say during the conversation. Yes, I know this is not a novel idea. But, if you’re not doing this now and you find it difficult to communicate what you want, consider adding this to your pre-conversation routine.
At the very least you’ll have less stress, as you won’t feel put on the spot as often, right?
Tip #2 – “Catch” Yourself by Paying Attention to Your Cues
Whether you come prepared or not, there will be times you struggle to make yourself understood. And, when this happens, you might misspeak or shut down. To minimize the chances of this and be more intentional about what you do in these situations, you will want to pay attention to the cues in the moment you are struggling.
These cues could include:
- physical cues, such as feeling like your “engine” is revved, or your head is flooded
- cognitive cues, like an overload of thoughts
- behavioral cues, such as excessive fidgeting or movement
- emotional cues, like feeling people are not listening to you
When you notice one of these cues, the next step is to give yourself some space before acting – pause.
Tip #3 – Pause to Collect Your Thoughts
Your tendency in these situations might be to act immediately.
In part, because, as Dr. Hallowell notes, you have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes. Yes, no doubt, your ADHD contributes to your tendency to think fast without pausing. However, this tendency has also become cemented over time because it has become a habit.
A habit that exacerbates your challenge with being able to say what you want in a conversation. While not easy, it is also a habit you can start to turn around by being more mindful in your conversations.
Here are a few tips to get you started.
1. Pausing to drink water is one option to give you time to think. The great thing about this strategy is it isacceptable in any context. The obvious drawback is needing to remember to bring your water with you. 😉
2. Allow for silence. Yes, I know you may not be comfortable with this right now. But developing more comfort with silence can minimize the chances you will blurt out impulsively. But rather, pause and think. You could also ask to pause, “Can you just give me a moment to collect my thoughts.”
3. Another option is to practice putting a period at the end of your sentences after every 7 to 8 words. This one will probably be harder than the other suggestions to implement. But one worth trying.
4. Last, try asking questions, such as:
- What do you think?
- Have you ever had a similar experience?
- Did I answer your question? Did that make sense?
As you ask a question, you will have space to collect your thoughts.
Tip #4 – Respond Later
Then, again there will be times you are in the middle of a conversation and realize you will not be able to convey your ideas the way you want.
It might be because you’re too dysregulated because of the topic of the conversation or something unrelated. But you recognize you will not be able to get your prefrontal cortex back online soon enough to have a fruitful discussion.
Other times you may feel overloaded with the amount of information and cannot digest and synthesize the information to respond the way you want.
There are, of course, other reasons it may decide not to respond in the moment. Whatever those may be, consider whether deferring your response to a later time may be the best option. And then schedule a follow-up before leaving the conversation.
I want to talk with you about this, but I would like a little time to think about it. Could we schedule some time on ….
You will not always be able to tie up everything in a nice, neat bow in one conversation. Deferring your response to a later time should always be one of the tools in your toolbox when trying to express yourself the way you want.
Tip # 5 – Share Communication Challenges and Ask for Help
You may opt to be transparent about your challenges and ask for help.
For example, when it comes to talking too fast and for too long you could explain, I tend to talk fast and sometimes for too long. Feel free to interrupt and let me know at any time. I want to make sure we all get a chance to talk.
When you’re concerned about your tendency to speaking impulsively you may decide to preface your comment with, I’m not sure where I’ll eventually land. But my initial thought is…
And, if you’re worried about your tendency to get distracted, you may explain, I’m excited about this topic. I may go off on a tangent. Please, let me know if I do so we can stay on point.
Sharing your communication challenges and asking for help may allow you to communicate better. Modeling this type of vulnerability may also help others share their challenges and get the help they need. I think that’s a win-win!
Next Steps
Which of the strategies would you like to try so you can convey your thoughts better in your next conversation?
