ADHD Adults Need to Use These 5 Strategies to Listen Better

DESCRIPTION:

Your ADHD may make it harder to listen. But, if you want to do better, to improve your relationships and productivity, you can. Here’s how.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• ADHD symptoms can make it hard to listen.
• ADHD adults might want to upgrade their listening skills to improve relationships, productivity or for some other reason.
• Preparing for the conversation can help you listen better in the conversation.
• Taking notes during the conversation can also help you listen.
• Checking in with the speaker can help you stay engaged and listen better, too.
• Another way to stay engaged and listen better is to be curious.
• Deferring your response to another conversation can make it easier to listen, as well.

RESOURCES:

BOOK:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Article:

ADHD and Meetings: How to Take and Use Your Notes

Transcript:

00:01:

Do you have moments when you’re listening to someone and while you hear the words, you’re just not understanding what they’re saying? And so can’t respond on point the way you’d like. And maybe your relationships and productivity are negatively affected by these instances. The good news is you can turn this around.

You’ve tuned into Scattered, Focused, Done – Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you, who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins. And I’m glad you’re joining me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD. So, you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.

01:04

Sometimes you aren’t processing what is being said, because you aren’t making a genuine effort because well, you really just aren’t that interested. It happens. But I know there are also contexts where you do want to listen better. You might want to listen better to improve your relationships, deliver better at work or for some other reasons. What are those for you?

Whatever your reasons, so that you can customize the solutions to fit your needs, it’ll be helpful to know how your ADHD contributes to your listening challenges.

One way your ADHD contributes to these is you pay attention to everything in your environment. Yes, I know attention deficit really is a misnomer. So, when you’re in a work meeting, you may notice the sound of a flickering light, the feel of a tag in your clothes, the tapping of your colleagues’ pen, or even your own thoughts related to a previous conversation or task.

02:14

Then, once you get distracted, you may find it hard to reengage in the conversation because of your ADHD related challenges with transitioning (starting, stopping, and task switching).

In other instances, your ADHD related difficulties with regulating your emotions may make it hard for you to listen. Because remember, your emotional responses to situations can be much stronger and last longer than your neurotypical peers. When you’re dysregulated, it’s obviously harder to listen.

In addition, your ADHD related memory challenges may contribute to your challenges listening as well as you would like. So, your limited working memory capacity due to your ADHD means that you just can’t juggle as much information in a conversation in order to decide what to do with that information, including responding. As a result, you may shut down because you’re overwhelmed. Or, because you’re worried you’ll forget what you want to say, you may blurt out whatever you’re thinking. Though, because you weren’t listening well, your response may not be well as germane to the conversation as you would like.

03:36

Your other ADHD related memory challenge, recall, may mean instead of listening to the speaker, you’re trying to remember some bit of related information so that you can formulate a response.

And I can think of other reasons related to your ADHD that listening may be a challenge. But I also know you’re super interested in learning how to listen better. So, before you stop listening to this podcast, I should probably get to those, right?

Sometimes conversations just happen. Like many that happen at home. And at work, maybe you pop into someone’s office, or someone stops you in the hallway and a conversation just ensues. Then there are community or social events you attend where many conversations just happen organically. You can’t prepare for these.

But there are other kinds of conversations where preparing in advance is not only possible, but can also help you to have an easier time listening.

04:51

For example, maybe you need to have a hard conversation with someone in your personal life, maybe at home or outside of home. Knowing that it would be easier to listen if you didn’t also have to figure out how to respond, you might ask if it’s okay, if just for that conversation, you share what you’re each thinking without necessarily needing to close the loop and make any decisions. This might help you listen better as you’re not also trying to figure out what you want to say. Then you can take the time. You need to mull over the information and continue the conversation later.

As many conversations at work are scheduled, though, you can more easily prepare for these and might want to in a more formal way to help you stay engaged and listen better.

These preparations might include considering various aspects of the conversation in advance.

05:57

For example, for sure you’ll want to think about the objective of the conversation. That is, what is supposed to come out of the meeting. This will help you pay attention to the most salient information when you get to the meeting. So is it a meeting about flushing out each and every part of a project? Or maybe it’s just about sketching out a rough roadmap. It will make a difference as to how you participate and how you listen.

Because the way you listen in a meeting might vary also depending on your role. So, it’s helpful to think about this, as well.

For example, you might interact and listen differently. If you’re meeting with a team you’ve been working with for a long time, as opposed to a new group of people where you need to get up to speed on the topic.

Whereas, if you’re facilitating a meeting for the purpose of collaborating and deciding how to best execute on an idea, you’ll need to be prepared to listen, reflect and synthesize what people are saying. A much heavier lift for you, for sure. But thinking about this in advance can put you in the right head space to listen in the way you need to.

07:14

In addition, thinking about your role, in addition to thinking about your role, thinking about who the people are that are going to be at the meeting can also help you determine how you want to listen. Are these your peers, your boss, maybe a client? In addition to this, you’ll want to review all of the ancillary materials, including the agenda. Are there related emails? Maybe there are notes. Reviewing these materials can help you be better grounded in the content of the meeting, and yes, help you listen better.

08:09

Once you’ve thought about the objective of the conversation, your role, the people involved and have reviewed related materials, you’ll be able to listen better once you get to the meeting.

If you also sketch out and bring a few notes with you, including questions and thoughts about the topic. Because, as much as you prepare for the meeting in advance, you might have a difficult time, yes, remembering this when you get to the meeting.

But, whether you can prepare for the conversation or not, if one of your goals is to listen well, once you’re in the conversation, it will be helpful to consider the fifth habit of Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which is seek first to understand then be understood.

And here are some tips you can use to do that so you can stay engaged in the conversation and listen well.

09:24

First, don’t try to keep all the information in your head. You can’t, right? Instead, as you’re listening, write down the main points of the speaker, as well as any questions or thoughts you have. So, you don’t have to worry about forgetting them. I’ve included a link with the podcast on my website to an article about note taking if you might find that useful.

Then, as you’re listening, if you’re not sure about something the speaker is saying, or just want more information, check in with them.

You could ask a question, or you might try paraphrasing. For example, if you got a little lost in what Rafael was saying, you might say, “Rafael, that was a lot of information. And I want to be sure I understand everything. Are you saying we would need to have two more sprints and also add a temporary person to our team in order to roll out the software by September?”

10:33

Alternatively, you might ask the person to repeat what they said. In the example with Rafael, you might say, “Rafael. I’m not sure if I got all that. Could you say that last part again about the timing and number of people needed?”

Along with taking notes, checking in with the speaker, being curious is another way to stay engaged, listen better and mitigate the chances of being distracted during the meeting or any other conversation.

Continuing with the example I’m using; you may find you’re frustrated by how slow Rafael is talking. Because remember, we think faster than we talk. And you’re having a difficult time staying in the conversation.

One way to be curious is to imagine where the conversation might go. So, as Rafael is talking, you might think to yourself, “That’s interesting. I wonder how adding more sprints to the project and people is going to impact our other projects. It seems like the timeline is overlapping. I wonder if he’ll talk about that.”

You can also be curious by looking for evidence. So, as Rafael is talking, you might wonder about his reasons for extending the timeline, as well as adding people to the project.

12:02

The third way to be curious in a conversation and stay engaged to help you listen is to pay attention to nonverbal communication. That could be facial expressions, gestures, or even tone of voice. To see if, perhaps, those add meaning to the words for you. So, when Rafael paused for what seemed like a really long time after Tina asked her question, you might wonder why. And you might ask yourself, “Did he want to answer the question? Did he not know the answer? Or maybe there was some other reason. Maybe he just got distracted.”

Being curious by imagining where the conversation might go, looking for evidence or paying attention to nonverbal cues can help you listen better because you’re more engaged and you’re not getting distracted by other stimuli because you’re focusing on your curiosity.

13:17

But remember actively listening does not mean you don’t talk during a conversation after all you’re having a conversation. It’s a give and take. You just want to be sure there’s enough give and take. This includes sharing your opinions, questions, observations, as well as listening. While this is likely easier to do in a conversation with family and friends, you might have a harder time knowing when or how to throw in your 2 cents in professional or other more formal settings.

One strategy you can use, when you’re not sure if your timing is right, is to ask for permission. For example, you might ask Rafael something like, ”Do you mind if I share my observation about that point?” Then Rafael can let you know whether he wants to finish his point and then have you circle back or whether he wouldn’t mind you jumping in right at that moment. But, by asking permission, you don’t have to guess.

If you’re not in the habit of doing this, though, you might feel uncomfortable at first. And I’m guessing though, that you’ll be surprised at how often the other person will graciously allow the interruption as they feel they have a choice. And aren’t being shut down, so to speak. Asking permission also allows for a transition rather than an abrupt interruption.

14:50

The last tip I’ll offer to help you listen better is to take the time you need to contribute to the conversation in the way that you want. One reason you may not listen well is because you’re trying to figure out what you want to say, right? After all, you don’t want to appear disinterested, confused, or yes, you may even think of yourself as stupid. I hope not. Anyway, as a result, you may not be clear on what you want to say. You may impulsively blurt out something just to, well, say something.

To avoid this, you could use one or more of the following phrases.

For example, you could say, “I’m not sure where I’m going to land on this, but here’s what I’m thinking now.” Then you share your thoughts. And you might add, “I’d like to take some time to think about it before we make any firm decisions. Is there a good time we can meet next week?”

15:53

You could also try, “We’ve covered a lot of territory and I’d like to take some time to digest before we decide what to do. Is it okay if we circle back to this when we meet next week Monday and see where we are then?

And one less suggestion I can think of is, “I appreciate the conversation, but need some time to think about it. Do you mind if I give you an answer by next Tuesday?

Of course, you want to be part of the give and take of a conversation. But you also want to respond in a way that feels right to you. And sometimes that may mean not trying to think of how to do this in that very conversation.

There, you have it. Using these tips you can practice listening better to improve both your relationships and your productivity. Which of these tips will you experiment with this week?

That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, please do check out my website, marlacummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might benefit. And, until next time, this has been Scattered, Focused, Done. And I’m Marla Cummins wishing you all the very best on your journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD.