Ready To Manage Your Frustration Better?
One of the executive function challenges for adults with ADHD is “managing frustration and modulating your emotions”. So, well, of course, there are many reasons you may get frustrated, understanding and addressing your frustration as a symptom of ADHD is key to making this better. A former client even asked whether it was “possible for frustration not to be their dominant emotion.”
The answer is, yes, of course, but it will take time and skill building. Right now you may become angry and frustrated much easier and quicker than their neurotypical peers. The key to addressing this is to both honor those feelings and act in a way that is in sync with your values.
Come along as we go on a journey to get some answers.
We’ll use the example of someone interrupting you in a meeting or conversation. I’ll call this person Joe. But, as you’re reading this, feel free to use the name of someone in your life who often frustrates or angers you.
ADHD Contributes to Your Tendency to Get Frustrated or Angry
Let’s start by looking at how your ADHD brain wiring may contribute to your tendency to get frustrated.
The primary job of the frontal lobe is to control cognitive functions, like emotional expression. When your frontal lobe is working it can help keep your emotions under control. However, because of the imbalance of dopamine and norepinephrine in the ADHD brain, your frontal lobe does not do this efficiently.
When your frontal lobe goes offline your limbic system (emotional brain) kicks in. If it were working, it would help you regulate your emotional and behavioral responses to stimuli — Joe’s interruption. But the deficiency of norepinephrine in the ADHD brain’s limbic system may predispose you toward emotional volatility — increased frustration.
Also, because of ADHD related working memory challenges, you may have a hard time holding onto multiple perspectives at once. You may just hold onto one. So, when Joes interrupts you in meetings, you may decide he is rude. That may be the only perspective you can hold in the moment.
If you could hold multiple perspectives, you would have an easier time telling yourself when Joe interrupts you, “That’s just Joe. He gets really excited. And there are plenty of times when he doesn’t interrupt me.”
Last, the ADHD nervous system is always looking for stimulation. So, it is difficult for you to screen out stimuli (from the five senses — smells, sounds, sights, touches, tastes — and thoughts.). Because you have inefficient barrier you can become overwhelmed, and frustrated easily.
But it’s not just your ADHD that contributes to your tendency to become frustrated.
Your Frustration Is Also a Habit
When anger and frustration do take over, it can feel as though your brain has been hijacked, and that you’ve lost control. Dr. Thomas Brown, in his book, “Attention Deficit Disorder, The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults,” writes about a patient of his who describes his frustration as akin to “a computer virus in my head taking up all the space.”
If it sounds familiar, your ADHD is likely contributes to this feeling.
While your brain wiring contributes to this predisposition, your tendency to become frustrated is likely also a learned behavior, a habit. A habit that cemented your “frustration neural pathways.” That is, you do what you do because that’s what you’ve always done. So that it is now a habitual way of responding.
If you want to become frustrated less often, you’ll need to unlearn this habit. For example, maybe you don’t want to become frustrated every single time Joe speaks up when you’re talking. If it’s excessive, you may want to address it with Joe. You may also want to give him a break now and then, acknowledging that conversations can go like that sometimes. Right?
And to unlearn this old habit you’ll need to replace it with a new habit — a new way of responding. More on that below.
What Is the Difference Between Anger and Frustration?
First, it’s important to understand the difference between anger and frustration.
Frustration is a byproduct of not getting what you want or expect as with the example of Joe interrupting you in meetings. You want to be able to finish what you’re saying and expect people to let you finish what you are saying.
When Joe repeatedly interrupts you, and you do nothing to address it, you may feel threatened or embarrassed. Then you may feel angry, frustrated, because you repeatedly didn’t get what you wanted or expected. Eventually, you reached the tipping point and went from feeling frustrated to angry.
As a result you might do or say something you later regret. The key to preventing this is to recognize when you are becoming frustrated and put on the brakes. So that you can consider how to address the situation before you are stuck on a runaway train going the wrong way.
Because, once that train leaves the station, you might have a hard time going back, right? We know not everyone is forgiving of unintended actions or words. So, let’s see what you can do to avoid unintended consequences.
Emotions Are Not Wrong!
First, it’s important to remember, as you may already know, that emotions are not wrong! Yet, you may still feel shame about how you express your emotions. It’s normal to, perhaps, get frustrated when:
- Joe interrupts you at a meeting.
- you are stuck in traffic.
- your child does not follow your instructions.
- a friend is constantly late for meetings.
- your partner doesn’t listen to you.
- a colleague dismisses your idea outright.
- other
The key is to accept and honor your feelings, not to try to get rid of them. Because when you can accept them and stop struggling with them, you will have an easier time acting and saying what you want, regardless of how you feel. Below are a few ways you can manage your frustration.
Tip #1 – Be Proactive
The first step, of course, is to decide whether or not your current behavior is compatible with your values. If it is not, the second step is to decide you want to change.
The third step is to be proactive.
One way to do this is to practice good self-care. This could include eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, getting enough downtime, taking your medication, and more. If you are lacking in any of these or other self-care areas, it can be harder to manage your emotional response in any given situation.
Another way to be proactive is to prepare for how you might respond to situations you think may trigger your frustration or anger. For example, you might decide that the next time Joe interrupts you in a meeting, you will say, “Hey, Joe, I want to hear what’s on your mind. Can I just finish this thought, so I don’t forget it? Thanks.”
You can also be proactive by being aware of the cues in your body you’re becoming frustrated or angry. So, you have a chance to decide what you want to do before you get too “amped-up.” Some of the common cues are:
- a racing heart
- breathing fast, like you can’t catch your breath
- tight muscles
- feeling hot and maybe even sweating
- a headache, like your head is pounding or pulsating
What’s your cue?
Tip #2 – Pause and Think
When you feel the cue in your body, it is time to heed the warning and hit the pause button. You need time to decide what to say or/and do next.
One way to do this is to first breathe. Really. Breathing will help minimize the fight or flight response. If you don’t already have a technique that works for you, try Box Breathing. If you practice yoga, you may be familiar with Ujjayi Breathing. Use any technique that works for you. Just breathe.
If breathing is not enough to help you feel grounded so you can respond the way you want, you could try removing yourself from the situation that you find frustrating by:
- going to the bathroom, which is always a socially acceptable excuse, right? ?
- walking or doing an exercise of your choice.
- asking to change the conversation. How about those [ insert team of your choice].
- taking notes or just observing for a bit, rather than participating in the conversation.
- giving yourself as much time as you need and is possible to think clearly in any way that works for you.
Then, once you feel a little more grounded, you can figure out your best option(s). For example, you may decide you should schedule a meeting with Joe to discuss the issue, instead of saying anything in the moment when he interrupts you.
Tip #3 – Change Your Story
Another way to address your frustration and change how you respond to situations is to reflect on the stories you are telling yourself about the situation. You may be engaging in faulty thinking? More on that below. This thinking that may lead you to say or do things that are out of sync with how you want to be and act.
When thinking about a situation, there are several possible interpretations of an event. For example, in situations you face like the one with Joe, you may:
- personalize it by deciding he is interrupting you because he doesn’t respect you.
- see it through a black-and-white lens by concluding he is a jerk. Then you must be on high alert whenever you’re in a meeting with him.
- disqualifying the positive by ignoring the times he doesn’t interrupt you.
- other
While there are other ways you may be engaging in cognitive distortions, these are a few that may get in your way.
One way to reduce your frustration is to replace these thoughts with others that could also be true. You became curious and wondered if one possibility was that Joe may have ADHD? ? So, maybe he was blurting out because that’s what ADHD adults sometimes do. Would that change your perspective about the situation?
When you can entertain other alternative stories you’ll be in a better place to respond the way you want because your frustration may also dissipate with this reframing. You might decide you want to talk to Joe or you might decide it’s not that bad and you can just let it go. Either way you’ll be in charge, not your frustrations.
ADHD Adults Get Easily Frustrated and Angry
No doubt your ADHD brain wiring may mean you are more likely to become frustrated. However, using the above steps can help you craft the response you want. Remember, as you do this, you will need to unlearn old habits and learn new habits, which are both hard to do. So, give yourself the time and space to do this.
As the more you practice responding differently, the easier and more automatic it will become to respond in a new way. Again from the example I’ve been using, you may practice when Joe interrupts you, saying, “Hey Joe, let me just finish this thought, and then I want to hear what you have to say.”
When you get into the habit of practicing this new response, rather than becoming frustrated, you will weaken the neural pathway of automatic frustration. Then you will strengthen the new neural pathway every time you practice your new response. So that over time it may become more automatic. Nice, right?
What are you going to try this week to temper your frustration and/or anger?
