How To Use Self-Talk To Reach Your Goals

DESCRIPTION:

The self-talk you use affects your thoughts and feelings and can guide your actions. The question is, is it positive or negative?

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Adults with ADHD have an underdeveloped ability to use positive self-talk to guide their actions.
• You can change this with practice.
• Self-talk can help you reach your goals.
• You can prepare to use self-talk in different situations.
• You can use self-talk to defuse negative thoughts and feelings
• You can use self-talk to develop more self compassion

TRANSCRIPT:

(00:01):

The self-talk you use affects your thoughts and feelings and can guide your actions. The question is, is it positive or negative? You’ve turned into Scattered, Focused, Done – Re-imagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD, adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD. So you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else,

(00:43):

ADHD adults commonly have an underdeveloped sense of self-talk. I know as you heard that you might’ve said to yourself, I talk to myself all the time. What are you talking about, Marla? Yes, I know you talk to yourself all the time and it probably sounds something like, I should be doing that report. It’s going to be late again. Everybody else can get their stuff done. As you’re listening to this, you might also convince yourself that one more podcast isn’t going to make a difference.

What I mean though, when I say that ADHD adults have an underdeveloped sense of self-talk is that they have an underdeveloped ability to engage in helpful and positive self-talk. You know the kind that helps guide your behavior and actions to reach your goals. This is the kind I want to focus on in this podcast so you can catch yourself when your self-talk doesn’t serve you, and instead use more helpful self-talk.

(01:40):

Internalized self-talk is one of the executive functions that help ADHD adults self-regulate. When you can self-regulate, you are better able to reach your goals. Let’s say for example, you want to cut down on candy, but you still want to support the local chocolate shop and decide that you’ll go there to buy gifts for people. To resist buying chocolate when you go there for yourself, you would need to follow these steps according to Dr. Barkley.

First, you need to be aware that there’s a problem, that chocolate is a temptation for you when you walk into the chocolate shop. You then need to resist the urge to buy and eat the chocolate yourself. Of course, you’ll need to redirect your attention to only ordering chocolate as gifts, and to do this, you might use self-talk such as, I want to have less sugar so I can have a healthier diet.

(02:32):

The chocolate is just not worth it. There are other foods I enjoy besides chocolate. You might also visualize your goal of having a healthier diet. Maybe it’s a picture of feeling healthier because you are not eating chocolate. Maybe you think of ways to deal with a temptation by problem solving, such as putting a note in your wallet that says, no chocolate for me. I know that’s a lot to do. You might just decide it’s not worth it to go to the chocolate shop and get your friends and family other gifts.

To know when your self-talk is getting in your way. You can begin by asking yourself, where am I not following through on what I say I will? As soon as something is not working, giving up right away. Instead of saying, I will say, I’ll try. Making a lot of excuses or in some other way, resist taking action.

(03:26):

Then when you notice yourself in these situations, take note of the self-talk you are using. Maybe even write it down. I know you could develop positive self-talk in advance to follow through on your intentions by either writing it out or processing it aloud with a thought partner. The challenge you would likely have though is remembering to use the self-talk to guide your behavior when you need it.

So you might walk into the chocolate shop and all of a sudden find yourself biting into a candy bar and then you remember that you didn’t want to do that. The key is to come up with ways to remember what you need to remember in the moment. For example, you might decide to put a note in your wallet with your credit card to remind yourself that you didn’t want to buy the candy bar. Another example is putting a phrase in your calendar to remember why you want to follow through.

(04:20):

For example, one of my former clients put be a pro, which stood for be a professional with his administrative time in his calendar. It worked. He remembered to tell himself that he wanted to follow through on his administrative stuff because he wanted others to see him as a professional. The key is once you come up with self-talk, you’ll need to want to think about how you’re going to remember to use it in the moments when you need it. Of course, you won’t be able to prepare in advance to use self-talk when you could use it as you can anticipate every moment. But as you practice, you will also be rewiring your neural pathways and then over time using positive self-talk will become more of a habit. So that you’ll be less prone to defaulting to negative self-talk that gets in your way.

(05:13):

One place where self-talk is useful is dealing with negative thoughts and feelings better than trying to run away from your feelings or shame yourself with negative self-talk.

(05:24):

Instead, you can learn how to use self-talk to acknowledge and address your feelings. To do this, you could try using acceptance and commitment therapy techniques. These techniques help you acknowledge your thoughts and feelings and not run away from them. Ultimately, the goal is that you’ll struggle less and stay in the moment. Let’s say for example, the self-talk you’re using is that I’m a failure. The first step is to remind yourself that this thought is not reality, but rather they’re just words, sensations, and images.

But when you fuse with them, you see them as reality and that’s what causes you pain. But if you use self-talk to diffuse these thoughts, you can lessen the whole that they have over you. One way to diffuse the thought I’m a failure is to tell yourself, I’m having the thought, I’m a failure, and then you could go even further and tell yourself, I notice I’m having the thought, I’m a failure.

(06:28):

As you practice, you’ll notice how you stop being hooked by the thought and remember, the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. Rather, the goal is to lessen the impact so you can take whatever you think is the most effective action in that moment. And using helpful self-talk can help you diffuse these challenging thoughts and feelings. Another way positive self-talk can help you take effective action is by developing more self-compassion. For example, when you tell yourself, I’m a failure, there are many reasons you may say this to yourself.

Sometimes it’s because you’re trying to accomplish something very difficult and one of the most common challenges for A DHD adults is persisting when things get difficult. If this is true for you, you may find yourself giving up easily when faced with a challenge, and if you already think of yourself as a failure and use this self-talk, this will only contribute to your challenge with persisting because the self-talk and accompanying thoughts and feelings hinder you from figuring out a solution to your challenge.

(07:35):

But if you can use a more compassionate self-talk, you can diffuse these feelings of being a failure, then you will more likely be able to persist and take effective action instead of letting the negative self-talk get in your way. First, pause and take a breath and notice how you’re feeling when you’re doing something hard. Notice if you’re using self-talk like I’m a failure. Then even if it’s only to yourself, verbalize how you’re feeling rather than trying to ignore or push these feelings away. Are you angry, sad, frustrated, or something else?

Then remind yourself that what you’re doing is really hard. Last, try to come up with a solution by asking yourself what you could do to make it easier and who might be able to help you. Just keep using positive self-talk. You don’t have to say it aloud. If you’re too self-conscious, just make sure you’re using the kind of self-talk that will guide you in the direction you want to go and is in alignment with your values. Compassionate self-talk can help you do this.

(08:45):

Positive self-talk is a critical tool for adults with A DHD to take effective action. Like many ADHD adults, though, you may need to work on the skill. If your ability to use positive self-talk is underdeveloped, even if it is a lesser developed strength right now, you can definitely build this muscle. It’ll take practice, lots of practice, and the more you practice, you will rewire the neural pathways so that instead of defaulting to negative self-talk, you’ll start using positive self-Talk more and more ready to turn this around. What is one tip I mentioned that you are ready to use today?

That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, check out my website, marlacummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might benefit, and until next time, this has been scattered focused. Done. And I’m Marla Cummins. Wishing you all the very best on your journey to re-Imagining Productivity with ADHD.