How to Let Go of Perfectionism When You Have ADHD

In the previous post, I wrote about what it means to be a perfectionist and how it can affect you. If you haven’t yet read that post, go ahead and check it out.

Then if you decide you’re a perfectionist or just curious about perfectionism Read on to learn what you can do to change it.

Ready? 

Weighing the Costs and Benefits

When thinking about the cost and benefits of being a perfectionist you may initially think, Who would want the burden and pressure of being a perfectionist? And, if you are a perfectionist, you might decide you want to change this behavior.

But as you first try to change your perfectionist behavior, you might find it hard to do. And you are perplexed.

One of the reasons for this resistance to giving up perfectionism is that, whether you are aware of it or not, you may think there are benefits to this way of being. and you’re just not ready to give up these perceived benefits.

If you want to break through this resistance, one way to get started is to be clear on what you perceive to be the costs and benefits of perfectionism. 

Negative consequences of perfectionism (eg. can not relax, give up easily…)

Positive consequences of perfectionism (eg. motivates you to work harder…)

Benefits you expect if you loosen your standards. (eg. more balance in your life, more time with family and friends…)

Costs you might incur if you loosen your standards (eg. you won’t achieve your goals…)

Now, as you look at the cost, benefits, negative, and positive consequences, what do you think? On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your readiness to change?

Perhaps, you are contemplating the impact of your perfectionism and the possibility of doing something about it. thinking about making a change is part of the process. If you are not ready to take action quite yet, that’s okay. Come back here when you are ready.

If you are ready, keep on reading.

What Does Good Enough Look Like?

When you look at the title of this section, you may immediately jump to the conclusion that I’m asking you to set the bar really low. Not to worry, I’m not. I don’t want you to give up your standards. 

I’m just inviting you to temper your tendency to set unrealistically high standards. So you can work on being less of a perfectionist. As you look at the example below think of an area in which you tend to be a perfectionist and consider how you could change your standard

Below is an example of how Bob adjusted his standards at work.

1. Choose an Area.

Bob wants to be less of a perfectionist at work.

2.  Adjust the Standard.

Currently, Bob expects all of his written communication to be polished and demonstrate he is an expert in his field.

Bob decided a more reasonable standard would be that he would be clear in his communication, share what is needed, and would add value. 

3.   Current Perfectionist Behavior

Currently, Bob spends 20 to 30 minutes crafting each email that he writes. much of this time is spent agonizing over his word choice. He also tries to anticipate questions and concerns people may have and includes the answers to these in the email. Even if they did not ask them yet he tries to include whatever comes to mind. 

4.   Goal to Reduce this Behavior:

To change this Bob decided to set a timer and spend no more than 10 minutes on each email. you would check it over to make sure it was clear and that he answered all the questions that were asked. then he would send it. If they needed more information from him he would schedule a phone conversation rather than emailing again.

Bob decided to set a timer and spend no more than 10 minutes on each email. He would check it over to make sure it was clear and he answered all the questions asked. Then he would send it.

5.   Time Frame:

He decided to try out this new system for a month to see if it worked. 

Are you game to try to adjust your standards?

Getting Rid Of Your Worst Critic

Don’t be surprised if you hear your inner critic telling you that this is not good enough. After all, you’ve been operating as a perfectionist for quite a long time. Here are some messages Bob’s inner critic sent him: 

• Only lazy people don’t spend time composing their emails.
• Short answers would show I don’t care.
• If I don’t add a lot of detail, they’re going to think I don’t know what I’m talking about.
• I can’t take a break until I get all these emails done.

Messages like these contributed to keeping Bob’s perfectionism going. And like Bob, you’ll need to work on shedding these messages if you’re going to challenge your perfectionist tendencies. 

While you may have people in your life who are critical of you, and you will want to learn how to deal with them, your worst critic is probably you.

And you decide You want the help of a therapist to understand how you came to internalize these critical messages. But, whether you do it on your own or with help, the key to tackling your perfectionism is changing your internal dialogue from the negative loop currently playing in your head to positive self-talk.

Bob practiced replacing his old messages with the ones below:

• A short email response is better than no response at all.
• I just need to answer the email. They don’t want to wade through a tome to get to the point.
• If I don’t include something and they have questions, they’ll ask.
• If I spend less time on emails, I’ll have more time to work on my important projects and can get home sooner.

Changing your internal dialogue to squelch your inner critic is critical if you want to minimize your perfectionism. 

Choose One Context and Experiment 

You might be ready to tackle your perfectionism all at once. but trying to make too many changes immediately may lead to failure. It’s better to choose one area where you would like to work on your perfectionism. is it work, a sport, school, or something else?

In addition, it can be hard for ADHD adults to persist without giving up too soon and being patient with what seems like a slow process. I know you already know that. so remember to acknowledge and remind yourself of this along the way, as well as employee strategies to counter these tendencies. So you can persevere and change your perfectionist habits.

Think of the process as an experiment. Like most experiments, you will likely have to return to the lab multiple times before you are satisfied with the results.

You may decide you need a lab partner, such as a therapist or coach to help you make these changes if they’re too entrenched. 

Procrastination and Perfectionism

There are many reasons for procrastination. And one of them is perfectionism. Procrastination is just the symptom. If you can learn how to address your perfectionism, you’ll be one step closer to managing procrastination in your life. 

Takeaway

Once you can set appropriate goals and standards for yourself, you’ll have an easier time achieving your goals.

And I bet you will experience more of a sense of fulfillment, rather than feeling frustrated and blaming yourself for not doing things perfectly.