Zoning Out with ADHD: Being Present When It Counts

Episode Summary – How To Be Present With ADHD

Why is it hard for adults with ADHD to stay present, even when they’re with people who matter most or doing things they want to enjoy? In this episode of Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, ADHD and Executive Function Coach Marla Cummins explores why ADHD can make it difficult to stay engaged in conversations, focus on the moment, and avoid zoning out.

You’ll learn how challenges with impulse control, distractions, emotional regulation, working memory, and processing can interfere with being present. Marla also shares practical strategies to help adults with ADHD manage distractions, transition between activities, focus on conversations, and build more meaningful connections with the people in their lives.

What You’ll Learn About How To Stop Zoning Out.

• Why adults with ADHD struggle to stay present: Understand how impulse control, distractions, emotional dysregulation, working memory, and processing challenges can make it difficult to stay engaged.
• How mindfulness can help you be more present with ADHD: Learn how pausing, taking a few breaths, and using self-talk can help you focus on the moment and the people around you.
• How to transition between activities and manage distractions: Discover ways to shift your attention from work to home, reduce external distractions, and use a shutdown routine to help you be more present.
• How to use floating attention to your advantage: Explore how music, walking, and fidgets can give your attention something to do while helping you stay engaged in a conversation or activity.
• How to stay present in conversations and enjoy meaningful connections: Learn how curiosity and engaging activities can help you connect with others and be more present with the people who matter most.

Transcript: Zoning Out – Being Present With ADHD

(00:01)

I know that for adults with ADHD, we often say there is now and not now. No doubt, that can mean for you that you focus on the present, sometimes at the expense of planning for the future. And while that may be true for you, are you really being as present as you would like to be in the moments that make up your day and your life?

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD and executive function coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding the way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

(00:59)

Over the years of working with adults with ADHD, one of the challenges I often work with people on is their difficulties around showing up the way they want, including being really present both to their experiences and with the people who are important in their lives, whether that’s their kids, partner, friends, community members, or maybe people at work.

So, as I usually do, let’s start with a definition. What does it mean to be present? Obviously, there’s physical presence, but adults with ADHD, when they talk about finding it difficult to be present, are usually talking about being really engaged in what they’re doing or connected and engaged with the other person or people they’re with.

And I’ve heard all sorts of stories, from parents who have a hard time really engaging in play with their young kids to those who have a hard time engaging in meaningful conversations with a partner, and everything in between.

What Does It Mean To Be Present For ADHD Adults?

(02:05)

I know that still begs the question: What does it actually mean to be present? I think of it as being really able to engage in an activity or be attuned to the other person or people in the moment.

Let’s look at being attuned to other people. When you are attuned to other people, you have a sense of where they are and what they might need.

So, for example, when I’m talking to my daughter, I do try to figure out, most of the time, what kind of conversation she’s up for. Does she want me just to listen? Is she too tired to talk about anything serious? Maybe she just wants me to be on FaceTime with her while she’s taking care of the baby.

Sometimes that means I need to ask because, as a new mom, she is understandably really tired, even grumpy sometimes, and hard to read.

(03:03)

So sometimes I’m honestly not sure what she wants from me in that moment. Some days, she would probably say she’s not sure. By the way, she said I could share this.

Anyway, sure, some of our conversations are just sort of catching up, and we jump from topic to topic. But if I’m just excitedly talking about something going on in my life and she’s feeling really exhausted and can’t engage that way, I’m not really being present or attuned.

And if you’re listening to this, perhaps you have in mind places and/or specific people that you’d like to be more present for.

So first, let’s get into how your ADHD may be contributing to your challenges in doing so. Over the years of working with many people around this challenge, here are some of the overlapping reasons I’ve heard.

For some adults with ADHD, it’s hard to be present because of challenges with impulse control.

Why Is It Hard For ADHD Adults Not To Zone Out?

(04:07)

It may be difficulties with inhibition control. That is, a thought comes up, and you may have a hard time holding back long enough to decide whether you really want to say it.

Other times, because of working memory challenges, you may feel you need to say something right away so you don’t forget. And for many ADHD adults, thoughts move very fast, and getting the thought out can make you feel like the best way to keep track of it.

Then again, challenges with emotional regulation, whether that’s excitement, frustration, anger, or something else, may also make it hard to pause and filter.

Other times, it’s just the challenge of waiting for the right opening and so feeling the need to get out whatever you want.

(05:04)

Of course, distractions can make it hard to be present. And a distraction might be the stress of feeling like you should be doing something else, and so you’re feeling overwhelmed where you are right now.

I hear this a lot from people. For example, at work, when someone wants to talk to you and your head is someplace else, or at home, when you have a million things to do and someone, maybe your kids or partner, wants or needs your attention.

Other times, the distraction is just a random thought, something in your environment. There goes the fly! Or an external distraction that just gets you off track.

Another reason why it’s sometimes hard for adults with ADHD to stay present is because of emotional dysregulation. This can show up in contexts where you’re feeling frustrated or angry, or perhaps in the middle of what feels like a high-stakes conversation, and you’re not able to manage your emotions and stay present the way you want.

(06:14)

And whether it’s distractions or emotional dysregulation, which I guess is also a distraction, you may experience challenges with working memory and processing. And this, of course, can make it hard to track a conversation and stay present.

There may just be too much going on. You’re trying to take in what the other person or people are saying, think about what you think about what they’re saying, try to think of what you want to say, and then find what seems like the right time to say it before the train leaves the station.

So by the time you catch up, you may be wondering where the conversation is and maybe wondering why you just can’t listen.

I’m sure there are other things that may get in the way of you being present in the various contexts of your life, but hopefully what I’ve just shared can give you a flavor or sense of some of the ADHD-related reasons that may make it hard for you to be present right now.

(07:17)

And since you’re listening to this, I know the question you really want answered is: Given these challenges, how can I be more present?

So let’s get into that piece.

How Can ADHD Adults Not Zone Out & To Be Present In Different Contexts In Their Life?

(07:31)

First, take a moment to think about the places where you’d like to work on being more present. Okay, do you have one or more in mind?

Now, the next thing you want to do, maybe at a different time, is think about what gets in your way at those various moments when you’d like to be more present.

Once you’ve identified the context and some of the reasons it’s difficult for you, the next step is to consider what would help you turn this around.

So let’s look at some of the options. I think for most adults with ADHD, honestly, the first step is to pause and practice a bit of mindfulness.

That could look like centering yourself by taking a few breaths and taking a moment to think about what this moment is going to look like if I’m being present. Perhaps you can use self-talk to remind you of where you are, so to speak, in that moment.

(08:36)

And I think the more you practice this, the more it’ll just become second nature.

So, for example, I shared an example of having a conversation with my daughter, either over the phone or video. The first thing that I try to do is make sure I stop whatever else I’m doing and really physically push myself a bit back from my desk, if that’s where I am, and remind myself what I want to pay attention to and focus on in that moment.

(09:10)

And sometimes you might need a little more preparation to be present when the moment comes.

So, for example, if you’re driving home from work and you’re still in work mode, it’s going to be hard to transition to home. So maybe use the drive to listen to music or an audiobook or something that helps you center yourself and transition.

So when you walk through the door, you’re in home mode. And that might be needed for you to be present at work also, if you have a lot going on at home.

So either way, you may need to take some time to transition to be more present.

(09:51)

And no doubt, you know that it’s hard to be present if there are external distractions. So whatever those may be for you, you’ll want to get them out of your environment as much as possible.

One of the most obvious ones is your phone, of course. So you might want to turn off your notifications or, if you’re comfortable, leave your phone out of reach because, like many people, you may tend to pick it up just out of habit, you know, to see if you’re missing anything.

Another option to be more present is to give your floating attention a job to do.

And here’s the definition of floating attention: It’s the brain’s natural tendency to continuously scan the environment or drift away from a primary task when understimulated.

One of the members of our ADHD support group that I facilitate shared that he always puts on jazz music when it’s time for dinner.

(10:58)

In part, it’s his family’s cue that it’s time to be together, and listening to music also gives him a way to give his floating attention a job to do.

(11:11)

Another way to give your floating attention a job to do is to go for a walk and have a conversation. So then you have the stimulation of the passing environment without needing to pay close attention to it.

And, of course, you’ve heard of fidgets. This is also the reason adults with ADHD may use fidgets, such as a spinner ring.

In whatever way you decide to give your floating attention a job to do, it may help you to be more present to whatever your primary task is in the moment, whether it’s a conversation or something else.

(11:51)

And if you happen to work from home, which I do, it might still be useful to have a shutdown routine before abruptly leaving your desk for the day. This gives your brain permission to let go of your workday.

So for me, I take a few minutes to see if there are any last emails I really should respond to, maybe take a few notes about client meetings or just enter them where they should be, and then I look at my sheet of paper that I scribbled on throughout the day to see where I need to put those thoughts, tasks, et cetera.

Then I’m ready for home mode.

One of the keys to being present is having a transition from what you were doing or where you were previously so that your head is not still there, because, you know, even if your body is in one place, you may not be present.

(12:50)

Obviously, for adults with ADHD, you’ll have more certainty that you can be present if you’re doing something that’s intrinsically interesting to you. That may be something that’s novel or challenging or feels urgent, but don’t over-rely on this. Or maybe it’s something competitive.

For example, when my daughter was young, I really struggled to play Barbies or Pretty Pretty Princess with her. But as she got older and we were able to bike and hike and even RipStik together, I was fully present with her during these activities.

And if you’re in a conversation and you’re struggling to be present, perhaps because while you may care about the person that you’re talking to, at least in that moment, the content of the conversation may well not be that interesting to you.

And one way to be more present in these moments is to be curious, which can make the conversation more interesting to you.

(13:55)

And that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to ask the other person a lot of questions, though you certainly could inquire about things that you’re curious about.

For example, if a friend tells you about a hobby that you don’t know anything about and don’t share, you may still wonder or even ask them how they developed their interest in that hobby or what it is that they find so fascinating about it.

(14:21)

So what are other ways you have found to stay present with people or activities that you really want to be present for?

So what I hope you’re taking away from this episode is that, no doubt, it can be very difficult for adults with ADHD to be present when they want to. But if it’s something you want to do better at, I know that you can, and I hope that some of the strategies I shared will help you do that.

That’s it for now. If this resonated with you and you feel you need more help applying what you know, you might consider joining my ADHD support and education group. It’s a weekly live group over Zoom where we focus on real-life challenges, and you get practical strategies and support from people who really get what you’re dealing with, as well as from me.

And if that sounds like something you might find helpful, you can check it out at my website, marlacummins.com/memory.

(15:33)

I’ll also include the link in the show notes on my website. And until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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Resources To Help Adults Learn About ADHD Masking

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• Join other adults with ADHD and Marla in this virtual live adult ADHD education and support group.