Can ADHD Masking Limit Your Ability to Succeed?

Episode Summary – ADHD Masking

If you have ADHD, you may have learned to hide your symptoms, compensate for your challenges, or work harder than necessary so other people see you as capable and competent. You may not even realize how much effort you’re putting into masking.

In this episode, we’ll look at what ADHD masking is, why adults with ADHD may mask, and some of the ways masking can show up in everyday life. We’ll also consider when masking may be helpful, when it may come with a cost, and whether there are ways of working and communicating that allow you to navigate ADHD without constantly trying to hide your challenges.

What You’ll Learn About How ADHD Masking May Be Getting In Your Way:

• Questions to consider when deciding whether the costs of masking are worth it for you.
• What ADHD masking is.
• Why adults with ADHD may mask.
• How masking can show up in areas such as time management, conversations, and task completion.
• How masking may prevent you from recognizing or getting the support you need
• How to distinguish between strategies that genuinely help you and strategies you use primarily to hide your ADHD challenges

Transcript:

(00:01):
If you mask on occasion, or maybe often, you may think it’s helping you. And in some cases, I’m sure that could be true. But are you aware of the ways it might actually be getting in the way of your ability to succeed? You’ve tuned in to Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you, who want to learn the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.

I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD and executive function coach. And I’m really glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else. As I often do, let’s start with a definition to make sure we’re all on the same page about what masking means. ADHD masking is when a person with ADHD consciously or unconsciously hides their symptoms to blend in and appear neurotypical.

Why Do ADHD Adults Mask?

(01:12):
And note that it can be conscious or unconscious. Are you aware of the ways you might be masking right now? Let’s look at some examples of how adults with ADHD, including you, may be masking. But before we do that, I wanna address a question, which is why do adults with ADHD mask? So why would you want to mask your symptoms if you do?

For one, you may not want other people to see you as lazy, stupid, unreliable, or whatever other negative connotations you may have encountered due to your ADHD. And at the end of the day, like anyone else, you want to meet the demands of your workplace or school or whatever context you’re in, and you wanna be able to do what’s expected of you and to be seen as capable. I get that.

And you just wanna fit in. Not necessarily because there’s something wrong with being different, I hope, but because it can feel hard or uncomfortable being an outlier when you’re maybe not confident in who you are or how you wanna show up in the world.

(02:35):
So masking can feel like a way to protect yourself while you’re still figuring that out. You may think, if I can blend in, if I can appear competent, if I can just make sure other people don’t see the things I struggle with, maybe I won’t have to worry about being judged or rejected. And for some people, that can be such a familiar way of operating that they don’t even realize how much effort they’re putting into it.

All ADHD Adults Mask Now and Again.

(03:05):
And before I launch into the discussion that’s coming in the ways that masking may not serve you, I think it’s really important to point out the obvious. There are certainly contexts in which you want to mask. We all know how cute it is to see a toddler doing what toddlers do, which is pretty much anything comes to mind.

But as we grow up, we learn that masking can be helpful if we wanna be accepted and respected in different contexts, as I’m sure we all do. So while having dinner with your family, you might decide to see who can make spaghetti noodles stick to the wall or who can balance a spoon on their nose the longest.

You might even do this with really close friends, but when you’re out to lunch with coworkers, I bet you never do that. Likewise, maybe you tell your partner a racy joke you heard while you’re eating breakfast together.

When Can ADHD Masking Be Helpful?

(04:03):
But then when you get to the office and sit down with your boss, she’s probably not the person you’re going to tell this to, right? You get the idea. There are ways in which masking is well appropriate and helpful. So the question isn’t whether you should mask, we all do it.

The question I want to explore with you in this podcast is, are there times when the masking you’re doing to fit in or appear more competent is actually getting in the way of you being as successful as you’d like to be by whatever metric you use? I’ll start with my own example.

One of the things I try to do is be on time, which actually means I’m often early. So when I have a client appointment, I generally don’t do anything away from my desk for fear of forgetting, which means that 10 minutes before the session starts, I’m sitting there getting ready, looking at my notes, getting Zoom up, making sure whatever headset I’m using is connected and working.

(05:10):
And when I’m going somewhere, I need to be at a specific time, I’ll add travel time, assuming the worst case scenario. After all, this is Boston. And even after I’ve done that, I might still leave earlier than I originally planned because, you know, well, it takes time to get to the car and start it. The struggle is real.

And then when I’m inevitably early sometimes, I may sit in the car or in the waiting room if it’s an appointment, hoping they have a copy of people, even if it’s three years old. It’ll still probably still be news to me.

Anyway, evidently getting places on time can have its downside too. I remember once I arrived at my cousin’s house quite a few years ago on time. They were surprised and told me that being on time is actually early, so I guess you really can’t win.

(06:10):
Now, is any of this a problem? I guess it depends on who you talk to. For me, putting all that effort into being on time is worth it. I don’t have to worry about being late. And I like that other people probably see me as someone who’s reliable and conscientious.

Yet, it is a form of masking, no doubt. I’m putting a lot of effort into making sure nobody sees how much I struggle at times with time management. And that effort definitely has a cost. Maybe I could use the time to get ready and leave early to do something else.

But here’s the thing, I’m willing to accept the cost. You might not be willing to. You might have decided that the stress and energy that go into getting places exactly on time are just not worth it for you. So the question I’d like you to consider when it comes to masking is, is masking serving you and helping you reach your goals and is the cost involved in masking acceptable to you?

(07:18):
So in this example of getting to places on time, you might make a different choice and manage your time more fluidly rather than putting in so much effort. There’s definitely no right or wrong answer to this.

When Having a Conversation Turns Into a Form of ADHD Masking.

(07:35):
Let’s look at another common example where masking is prevalent for ADHD adults, which is around having a conversation. Whereas I put a lot of effort into being on time for anticipated arrivals at places, when it comes to anticipated conversations, whether they’re social, community, business or otherwise, I actually don’t think much about it.

I assume that when the time comes, as the song goes, everything will be all right. That doesn’t mean I necessarily think I’ll be able to converse easily, but I do anticipate I’ll be able to navigate the situation in whatever way it unfolds.

So if the conversation isn’t feeling easy and organic, usually because I’m struggling to think about what I actually want to say, I might do one of several things. I might ask to have that particular conversation about a topic another time. Or I might tell them, I need a little bit more time to think about the topic and then I’ll get back to them so we can move on to something else.

(08:56):
And then there are times where I just literally take a moment in real time to give a bit of thought before answering. I know not everyone is comfortable doing this. I also might just say, well, these are my initial thoughts, so I little, I hedge a little bit.

Then again, if it’s somebody close to me and it’s not necessarily high stakes, I might just say whatever comes to mind knowing I can backtrack and clean up later. But I also know some people may prefer to communicate as much by email, even when a conversation might be the better medium.

In that case, emailing may be a form of masking when you’re choosing email so you can carefully craft exactly what you want to say without needing to respond in the moment to someone else. So then that can allow you to appear as competent as possible while hiding some of the difficulties you might have in real time conversations.

(10:05):
And then when you are willing to have harder conversations, you may decide you need to prepare exactly what you’re going to say. So again, you appear competent, like you have it all together. Is this sounding familiar? If this does sound familiar, you are likely finding yourself in a bind during these conversations because you’re trying to both have the conversation and monitor yourself to make sure the other person isn’t aware of the difficulties you’re actually having in the moment.

And that is definitely stressful and exhausting, right? The cost of masking during conversations is that you may not have stopped to think about is what would actually help you feel more comfortable in them because you’re just assuming that it is what it is.

Some of the ADHD related challenges you may have include losing your train of thought while listening, having trouble organizing your thoughts quickly enough to respond, maybe blurting out before you have fully thought through what you want to say, or even becoming emotionally activated when the conversation just isn’t going as expected.

(11:30):
But what if instead you prepared as much as you could for the conversation? That might be reviewing the agenda, thinking through your thoughts, maybe even writing a few of them down, reviewing any previous notes, and maybe using some of the strategies I mentioned earlier that I use.

There are all sorts of ways, in addition to the ones I’ve already mentioned, to navigate the challenges of real time conversations, which I discuss in my three part podcast series starting with part one, why conversations are hard for ADHD adults. I’ve included a link to each of these episodes with the show notes on my website.

So when it comes to conversations, what might be different for you if you learned how to navigate these without either shutting down or masking, that is trying to appear that you’re not having the challenges that you’re having. Maybe these conversations wouldn’t be that scary.

Working Harder And Longer to Appear Competent Can Be A Form of ADHD Masking.

(12:44):
So there are many ways that adults with ADHD mask their symptoms, but I’m gonna finish this episode with one more example. And that is working five million times as hard, okay, maybe that’s hyperbole, but at least much harder than your peers to finish and deliver task.

For example, I have a client who’s a software engineer who has been working at a startup. It’s a very fast paced environment and he was expected to pivot constantly throughout the day to changing request. He consistently, however, received positive feedback for his problem solving skills and for helping others whenever he could.

So it wasn’t that he wasn’t a valued member of his team or co – not competent at his job. In fact, he was recognized as being particularly strong, but he was constantly working late just to keep up with ever changing demands. The environment required him to shift gears and to respond to changing priorities, as I said, throughout the day.

(14:04):
And so he was putting in a tremendous amount of extra effort just to function in that environment. Eventually, he moved to a position in an academic environment at a university, and it’s been so much better suited to the way he works.

Now, I know you may be thinking, “Well, if he was able to keep up, what’s the problem?” The problem is that keeping up came at a tremendous cost. He was doing what he needed to do, but he had to work much harder, much longer, not to mention the cost on his anxiety than necessary to meet the expectations of that environment.

And this is where I think masking can become particularly tricky. From the outside, someone may look completely competent. They’re getting good reviews, they’re getting their work done, they’re helping their colleagues. And as you know, what you may not see is how much extra effort it takes to make that happen.

(15:15):
So someone else might say, “Well, if that’s just what you have to do, then you do that because it’s your job.” And sometimes I recognize that that is, at least in the moment, what you have to do to get by. But if the environment doesn’t allow you to work in a way that is compatible with how you operate best, whether it’s due to your ADHD or whatever else.

So what if you’re constantly having to compensate for your challenges, whether again, ADHD related or whatever they’re due to, just to keep up with everyone else? At some point, you may wanna ask yourself whether you’re working harder than you actually need to in order to appear competent, because maybe the answer isn’t to become better at masking, maybe the answer is to find ways of working that let you use your strengths without constantly having to compensate for your challenges.

(16:20):
In my client’s case, changing environments made the hugest difference. He didn’t suddenly become more competent. He was already competent. He was just now in an environment that required him to work in a way that made it much easier for him to demonstrate that competence.

And so I think the important question to ask yourself when it comes to masking in situations like this is, are you struggling with the work or with the way you’re expected to do it? And might there be a better environment for you?

ADHD Masking Comes With Costs.

(17:00):
So we’ve looked at a few different ways adults with ADHD may mask, and they may resonate with you. Maybe it’s that you’re putting a tremendous amount of effort into making sure you’re always on time. Maybe you’re carefully preparing for conversations or avoiding them altogether. Or maybe you’re working harder and longer just to keep up.

As I’ve mentioned throughout this episode, sometimes you may decide the cost of masking is worth it to you, long term or short term, short term. But as you know, masking will also come with costs that you have to consider or that I encourage you to consider. One is exhaustion.

If you’re constantly monitoring yourself, compensating for your ADHD related challenges, and putting extra effort into making sure other people don’t see these challenges, it’s a lot of work. And over time, yes, that’ll leave you exhausted. Another cost is that you may not reach out for the support that you actually need.

(18:10):
So if everyone sees you as someone who has it all together, you or they may not realize how difficult things actually are for you. And so you may not realize for yourself because you’ve gotten so good at compensating that maybe not only are there other ways of doing something, but you may need help as well.

(18:35):
And then there’s something else that I think is particularly important when it comes to masking is you may just lose track of what actually works for you, or you may not have given it enough careful thought so that you can operate the way that works best for you.

Because if you spent years trying to do things the way you’re supposed to, air quotes, do them or the way you think a competent person should do them, it can become really difficult to distinguish between what you generally prefer or need to operate well and what you’re doing because, well, that’s the way you’ve always done it.

So is the way you’re working now the best way for you, or have you simply figured out that this is the way you can make sure no one sees your difficulties? And I think that’s where it becomes worth taking a closer look at masking.

(19:39):
Not because masking is always bad, which I’ve said it’s not, and not because you should stop doing it across the board, but because there might be situations where you want to choose whether you do it or not and not because you feel like you don’t have any other choice.

So what I hope you’re taking away from this episode is perhaps a better understanding of masking if you weren’t familiar with it before, or maybe just a different perspective if you’ve actually thought about this before, along with some curiosity about how you may be masking right now and whether there’s anything you want to do to change it.

So that’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me. And if you wanna continue to learn how to work with your ADHD, please do consider signing up for my biweekly newsletter. You’ll get time tested, ADHD friendly strategies and resources from me straight to your inbox.

(20:49):
You’ll also receive a complimentary guide I created titled Six Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make and How to Avoid Them. You can find the link in the podcast description on my website or you can go to marlacummins.com to sign up and get the guide.

Until next time, this has been re-imagining productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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Resources To Help Adults Learn About ADHD Masking

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• Join other adults with ADHD and Marla in this virtual live adult ADHD education and support group.
• Learn how Why Conversations Are Hard For ADHD Adults.
• Discover How ADHD Adults Can Have Better Group Conversations.
• Read about One-on-One Conversations Made Easier with ADHD.