(originally published September 6, 2019, updated December 14, 2021)
If I were to tell you ADHD adults commonly need to upgrade their self-talk skills, you might think, “What? I talk to myself all the time!” I know you do. In fact, just before reading this article, maybe you told yourself:
“I should be doing my work. I’m going to be late delivering, again!! Why can’t I get stuff done like everyone else? And then, completely frustrated, you might have decided to read this article. Because, you told yourself, “I’m going to be late getting it in, anyway. Reading one article is not going to make a difference.”
While you may be well versed in the above self-talk, engaging in this kind only serves to hinder you in following through on your intentions, right? On the other hand, as an ADHD adult, you likely have an underdeveloped ability to engage in helpful and positive self-talk —the type you need to use to guide your behavior and actions to reach your goals.
So, let’s get on with looking at how you can catch yourself when your self-talk doesn’t serve you, and instead adopt and use more helpful self-talk.
How Self-Talk Helps You Reach Your Goals
When you can self-regulate you behave in a way that maximizes your chances of reaching a goal. Yet, we know one of the hallmark challenges for ADHD adults is self-regulation, which involves multiple executive functions, including, yes, internalized self-talk.
Let’s say you want to cut down on sugar. But, since you still want to support your local bakery, you decide you’ll just get your coffee there, and forego your usual French Cruller. To resist buying the donut, below are the steps you would need to take, according to Dr. Russel Barkley.
- You need to be aware that there is a problem — the donuts will be a temptation — when you walk into the bakery.
- Then you’ll need to resist the urge to order the donut (inhibition).
- You’ll also need to redirect your attention so you only order the coffee.
- To do this you might use self-talk, such as: “I want to have less sugar in my diet so I can be healthier. The donut is just not worth it. There are other foods without sugar I can get and enjoy.”
- You might also visualize your goal. Maybe it’s a picture of you feeling healthier because you’re not eating sugar.
- And in the moment, you might think about ways you could deal with the temptation (problem-solving). Perhaps you put a note on your coffee mug, “No donut, just coffee!”
That’s a lot to do!
And, obviously, if supporting your local bakery wasn’t so important to you, you might just decide to go elsewhere for your coffee. Then you wouldn’t have to do all this hard work.
How Do You Know if Your Self-Talk Is Getting in Your Way?
To become more aware of how your self-talk may be hindering you from being and acting in alignment with your values and reaching your goals ask yourself:
Where am I…
- resisting taking action?
- making a lot of excuses?
- saying, “I’ll try” instead of “I will”?
- giving up right away as soon as something is not working?
- not following through on my intentions.
Then, pay attention to and maybe even take notes on the self-talk you are using in those moments.
Preparing To Use Self-Talk Effectively When You Need It
If I were to ask you to develop self-talk in advance to help you follow through on your intentions, I know you could do it. Sure, you might need to externalize your thoughts by either writing or processing aloud with a thought partner. But I know you’d be able to come up with self-talk that feels authentic and is useful.
But the challenge you would likely have is remembering to use it to guide your behavior in the moments when you need it. So, well you might not want to buy a donut, the smells and sights might overtake your senses when you walk into the bakery. and then you might forget you wanted to limit sugar in your diet. Until you take the first bite of your donut… Sound familiar?
The first step in addressing this challenge is acknowledging your memory is more like Swiss Cheese than a trap door. 😉And that’s OK! Once you acknowledge this you can come up with ways to remember what you need to remember in the moment, like the two examples below.
I already suggested above putting a note on your coffee cup that says, “No donut, just coffee!” I know, sounds a little silly, perhaps. But, if it works and you don’t buy donuts, then maybe a little silliness might be worth it? Totally up to you, of course.
Another technique I recommend to clients is to put a phrase in their calendar to remember why they want to follow through. For example, one of my former clients put (be a pro) with his administration time in his calendar. It worked! He remembered to tell himself in those moments, “I want to follow through on this administrative stuff because I want my colleagues to see me as a professional…”
The key is, once you come up with the self-talk you want to use, you’ll need to think of how you’re going to remember to use it in the critical moments when you need it.
When You Can’t Prepare Useful Self-Talk in Advance
Obviously, you can’t prepare for all the contexts where self-talk could be helpful to guide your actions and behavior. Because, of course, you can’t anticipate every moment. And you don’t need to. Initially, you can practice using self-talk by preparing in advance for situations you can anticipate.
As you do this you will be rewiring your neural pathways. Yes, I know this may feel a little awkward in the beginning to rehearse this way. And you may even feel reticent to try this strategy. But, if you do, using positive self-talk will become more of a habit. And, in time, you will be less prone to defaulting to the negative self-talk that gets in your way.
Nice, right?!
How to Use Self-Talk to Defuse Negative Thoughts and Feelings
One place where self-talk is useful is when you have challenging thoughts and feelings. Rather than struggling with them, trying to outrun them, or shaming yourself with negative self-talk, you could learn to acknowledge and address them with helpful self-talk.
One way to do this is to use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques. By using these techniques, you will acknowledge, rather than avoid, your thoughts and feelings, struggle with them less and stay in the moment. For example, let’s say you want to stop thinking that you are a failure.
The first step is to remember this thought is not reality — they are just words, sensations, and images. But when you fuse with them, take them as reality, they can cause you pain. But, if you use self-talk to practice diffusion, you can lessen the hold they have over you.
For example, you could diffuse the thought, “I’m a failure” when faced with working on a presentation, for example, by:
- telling yourself, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.”
- you could go further and tell yourself, “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.”
As you practice, notice how you stop being so hooked by the thought. Remember the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. Rather the goal is to minimize the impact so you can take effective action. And using self-talk to diffuse these challenging thoughts and feelings can help you do that.
How to Use Self-Talk to Develop More Self Compassion
Adopting positive self-talk to develop more self-compassion can also help you take effective action. Let’s go back to the example of telling yourself, “I’m a failure.” While there are many reasons you might say this to yourself, in some cases it’s because you are trying to do something really hard.
You know one of the common challenges for ADHD adults is persisting when the going gets rough. If this is true for you, you likely give up easily when faced with a challenge. Of course, if you already think of yourself as a failure, this perspective will contribute to your inability to persist. That is, this judgment and criticism is a roadblock to figuring out the solution to your challenges
On the other hand, by taking the steps below, including more compassionate self-talk, you can defuse your feelings of failure. So, you can persist and take effective action, instead of letting the negative self-talk get in your way.
- Pause, take a breath, and observe what you’re feeling when you’re trying to do something hard. Notice if you’re using self-talk like, “I’m a failure.”
- Verbalize, if only to yourself, how you’re feeling, rather than trying to ignore or push them away. Are you sad, angry frustrated…?
- Remind yourself, “Writing this presentation is really hard!!”
- Ask yourself what you could do to make it easier, as well as who might be able to help you.
The bottom line is to keep talking to yourself. You don’t have to do it aloud if you feel too self-conscious. 😉 Just make sure the self-talk you’re using will help guide you in the direction you want to go and is in alignment with your values. Compassionate self-talk will help you do this!
Self-Talk Is a Must-Have Tool for ADHD Adults
Self-talk is a critical tool for ADHD Adults! If your self-talk is underdeveloped, as is true for many ADHD adults, you may need to work on upgrading this skill. While this may be one of your lesser developed strengths right now, you can definitely build this muscle!
It will just take practice, practice, and more practice. Because, remember, you need to rewire those neural pathways so you are not habitually defaulting to negative self-talk, which might be one of your greater strengths, right now.
Ready to turn this around? What is 1 tip from above you’re going to use today?
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series to learn how to use self-talk to minimize your procrastination so you can start with greater ease.
