ADD – ADHD: You Never Win When You Fight Reality.

Do you ever fight reality? "ADDers" are notorious for fighting against reality, and are also probably familiar with some of the following habits:

• ruminating excessively about something that happened in the past that you have no control over
• becoming angry or sad over someone else's action(s) and not being able to gain control over your emotions in reasonable amount of time
• spending an extraordinary amount of time thinking about how you want things to be different.
• doing any or all of the above and not exerting control over those matters that are within your power to change.

Sometimes, we do the best we can and "stuff" happens; we have no control in these cases, but still have to deal with the end results. Other times we make a mistake that we could have prevented with, perhaps, better foresight or planning. In either case, the outcome is a "done deal." I know that I fight reality, sometimes. I can, like many "ADDers," become preoccupied with thoughts that serve no other purpose than waste my time and energy. For example, I might end up consumed with thoughts about a car accident, a broken kitchen window, loss of retirement money or errant words. Unless I have a time machine, I can't go back. So, "what ifs" do not serve a helpful purpose, either. The mantra that I often suggest to others to use and use frequently myself is:

"It is what it is."

Please don't misinterpret this as meaning that I give up and let life just roll over me. Those of you who know me know that this could not be further from the truth. Nor would ask you to do this behave passively when taking action is appropriate. Rather, by standing firmly in this perspective, I am asking you to accept what is, reality, rather than cluttering your mind with thoughts of how you would like events in the past to be different. The benefit of accepting the reality of situations is that it leaves you more open to seeing where you might be able to exert control by making those changes that will benefit you. By not remaining stuck in recreating the past in your mind, you can become more creative in thinking of your options of how to deal with the reality of the situation. I am also not asking you to not become angry or sad, as that is not realistic or helpful.

In fact, I would ask you to not run away from your emotions. When you run away from your emotions, they can end up controlling you. However, it is also not helpful to dwell in sadness or anger. So, When you have spent the time you need being with your emotions and are ready to move on, ask yourself the following questions:

• What do I need to accept in this situation because it is not within my control?
• What is within my control that I can do to make the situation better?
• What can I learn from this in order to minimize the chances of it happening in the future?

I'll leave you with another question.

How could this perspective help you deal with a current situation in your life?