ADHD and Slow Processing: Tips For Better Conversations

Episode Summary:

Do you walk away from conversations thinking of what you wish you had said later? Do meetings, networking events, or group conversations sometimes move too fast for your ADHD brain to keep up?

In this episode, I’ll explore how ADHD can affect processing speed in conversations, meetings, and social situations. I’ll talk about how challenges with working memory, emotional regulation, attention, and cognitive overload can make it harder to process information and respond in real time.

I’ll also discuss the shame many ADHD adults experience when they feel like they can’t think or respond quickly enough, and why self-compassion is an important first step before trying to change anything.

And finally, I’ll share strategies that may help you stay engaged, process information more effectively, communicate more clearly, and feel less overwhelmed in all types of conversations.

What You’ll Learn About ADHD and Slow Processing Speed In Conversations:

• How ADHD challenges with working memory, emotional regulation, attention, and effort can affect processing speed
• Why slow processing speed can create shame for ADHD adults and how self-compassion can help
• Strategies to stay engaged and process information more effectively during conversations and meetings
• How to slow conversations down, organize your thoughts, and avoid processing out loud
• Ways to communicate more effectively in one-on-one conversations, meetings, networking events, and social situations

ADHD and Slow Processing Speed In Conversations Transcript:

(00:04):

Do you ever walk out of a conversation and then think of what you wish you had said? Or are you sitting in a meeting feeling like you’re in the middle of a game of pinball, trying to keep up? Slow processing speed, which many ADHD adults have, may be one of the reasons for this.

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.

I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD coach and executive function coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

When most people think about processing speed, they think it simply means how fast you respond, but as you may know, it’s more than that.

What Does Processing Speed Mean For ADHD Adults?

(01:06):

Processing speed refers to both the speed and the accuracy with which you take in information, whether verbal or written, make sense of it, decide what aspects of the information matter to you, then figure out how you want to respond, and then organize that response quickly enough to say it in real time.

Yes, that’s a lot.

And for many adults with ADHD who struggle to do this, those processes are harder and take more time under pressure, like in a high-stakes meeting or a social setting where the consequences for not showing up the way you want can feel especially heavy.

There are also, I’m sure, no surprise to you, several executive function challenges common in ADHD that can affect how quickly and effectively you process information in real time.

One is that, as you know, adults with ADHD have less working memory capacity, which means you are able to hold less information to then be able to manipulate it and decide what to do with it.

How ADHD Can Affect Processing Speed

(02:19):

Obviously, this will affect your processing speed.

Another common challenge for ADHD adults is being able to regulate emotions in the moment. So if you’re feeling your emotions more intensely, and they last longer, as they do for ADHD adults, it’s just going to be harder to process information.

In addition, because many ADHD adults have difficulties with consistently regulating attention and effort, you may miss information. Maybe it’s because of an internal thought or something external. Yes, there goes the squirrel.

A distraction, which of course makes it hard to respond when you’re just not fully engaged in the conversation.

And if two or more of these challenges are happening at the same time, well, you know what happens then. It can make it exponentially harder as you try to follow the conversation, filter distractions, regulate your emotions, remember even what the heck it was that they were saying, and then decide how to respond.

How ADHD Adults Can Address the Shame of Slow Processing Speed

(03:28):

And you might decide to check out, but you don’t have to.

Let’s see what you can do instead.

If you struggle with slow processing speed, there is a good chance you also carry some amount of shame about it. And if that’s true for you, it’s important to address this part before you consider other tactics that might help you compensate for your slow processing speed.

Because right now you may be thinking, Why do I feel so stupid in conversations? Why can’t I think faster? Why do I always think of things later? This is so embarrassing. I’m so dumb.

And when you’re constantly judging yourself for not thinking or responding fast enough, it becomes that much harder to stay regulated, pay attention, and then persist in experimenting with strategies that might actually help, which is why self-compassion is not optional when you’re trying to figure out how to address your challenges with slow processing speed, or actually any other ADHD-related challenge.

(04:37):

According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three elements.

One is learning to respond to yourself with more understanding when you’re struggling, rather than attacking yourself for not doing better. That inner support can help you feel safer and more emotionally regulated, which then puts you in a better position to cope with challenges like slow processing speed and experiment with change.

Another part, the second element, is recognizing that you’re not alone. A lot of people struggle with this, even if it’s not their exact challenge, and it may not look like yours, and maybe they don’t even openly talk about it. You just never know what is behind that stoic facade on Zoom, right?

And the third element is being able to acknowledge and be with your feelings, whether that’s embarrassment, frustration, sadness, or some other feeling, without getting completely consumed by it.

In other words, notice and stay with your feelings, but just don’t let them define you or cause you to collapse and check out.

Preparing In Advance Can Help ADHD Adults Process In Real Time

(05:55):

Then, with self-compassion as your anchor, you’ll be in a much better position to experiment with some of the following strategies.

But first, before moving on, as I share various strategies, think not only about whether they might suit your needs, but whether they suit your preferences as well, because these really do matter too.

First, preparing in advance when you can is perhaps the best place to start to make it easier to process information in real time.

For example, if you’re going to a scheduled meeting where you already know the topic, take some time beforehand to review whatever relevant information you have available. That might include the agenda, notes from previous meetings, related emails, or other supporting information.

You may also want to jot down some notes beforehand, which might include relevant questions or just your ideas about the topic.

That way, your brain isn’t simultaneously trying to retrieve old information from memory while also processing in real time the new information from the discussion.

(07:11):

While you may not prepare as much for more casual professional or social events, even preparing a little ahead of time can help.

So if you’re going to a dinner party or a networking event or other gathering, you might think ahead about a few topics you’d feel comfortable talking about.

The benefit of this is, for one, it’s something that you know and are interested in, which might help you stay engaged in the conversation.

Maybe that’s something you’re reading, a hobby, travel, or something else that genuinely interests you right now.

Of course, you’ll also want to ask the other person or people about their take on the topic or related interests, and the goal isn’t to sound polished or rehearsed. It’s simply to give yourself a few familiar starting points so you don’t have to do so much thinking on the fly.

Another strategy is to build in support when possible so you feel more grounded, which might help you process better.

Enlist Support So You Can Regulate Your Emotions and Process In Real Time

(08:17):

So if you’re attending an event, whether social or professional, maybe you go with somebody you know and trust and then let them know that these kinds of events can sometimes feel difficult for you.

While you may not be glued to each other, periodic check-ins can help you feel more regulated and grounded, making it easier to process as you do the circuit, so to speak.

And if you attend alone, you might take a moment to text or connect with someone supportive during a break to help reset your nervous system.

Another thing that you could try is leveraging your interest and curiosity to stay engaged and improve your chances of taking in information accurately so you can respond the way you want.

To do this, you can come up with questions related to what the other person or people are saying. And depending on the context, you might decide to ask these questions of the speaker or group in real time or just take note of them, whether or not you decide to follow up later to get answers.

(09:26):

For example, you might be curious about whether the speaker has considered X about a project or how long they think it’s going to take.

You might even reflect back as a way of staying engaged and also clarifying the information.

So you might say to the person who’s speaking, “I just want to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. Are you saying…” and then reflect back what you heard.

And on the occasion that you miss something, because it’s going to happen, you might ask them to repeat themselves.

So you might say to them, “I’m not sure if I fully got that. Can you say that again?”

Because the more you stay engaged, the better the chance you won’t miss information that you need to process.

Meetings, whether they’re one-on-one, group meetings, formal work meetings, or even informal conversations at home about schedules, finances, or house stuff, can be especially challenging for ADHD adults with slow processing speed.

Taking Notes Can Help ADHD Adults Process Information in Real Time

(10:33):

Another way to make it easier to process this information is to take notes. Yes, even at home.

Whether or not you are able to prepare ahead of time, taking notes can not only help you stay more engaged and minimize distractions, but you can also capture what is being said for use after the meeting, as well as during the meeting.

And taking notes can help you during the meeting because it allows you to both take in the information and then take note of your thoughts, perhaps even capturing a few bullet points to help you contribute.

Taking notes can also reduce the load on your working memory.

And while you want to make sure you can understand your notes later, you also don’t need to write complete sentences. Keywords, symbols, and short phrases may be effective because they allow you to also continue listening.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to take and process notes, I’ve included a link in the show notes on my website to a post you can look at.

How ADHD Adults Can Avoid Processing Out Loud

(11:43):

In addition to note-taking, thinking aloud with a supportive thought partner is another way to externalize your thoughts and, when done intentionally, can be useful to help you process more effectively.

The challenge, however, sometimes for ADHD adults is when you unintentionally start processing out loud in situations where you’d actually rather sound more organized and concise in the moment.

For example, in a meeting or a conversation, you may start talking when you don’t yet have enough clarity about what you want to say. So you end up processing as you’re speaking.

But what this can end up sounding like to the other people is that you’re talking in circles, adding tangents, overexplaining because you’re not sure if they’re understanding you, and just really struggling to land your point.

And at some point, you might notice people looking at you a little bewildered. Sound familiar?

(12:52):

As you know, generating lots of thoughts and making surprising associations can absolutely be an ADHD-related strength.

The question, though, is one of context. That is, do you feel comfortable processing aloud in the context and with the people that you’re with?

And if not, you may want to intentionally slow the pace of the interaction so you have more time to synthesize and organize your thoughts before speaking.

One strategy is what I think of as a three-sentences-and-check-in approach.

So instead of trying to communicate every related thought all at once, try sharing a few key ideas, put a period at the end of your sentences, and then pause to check in with the other person or group.

For example, you might say, “What are your thoughts about that? Do you think there’s a better way to approach this? Does this make sense to you?”

(13:49):

Another strategy, as I mentioned earlier, is to ask a follow-up question, reflecting what you heard, to check your understanding, or to briefly pause before responding.

And though you might not feel comfortable doing this in a group conversation, in a one-on-one conversation, you might say, “Let me think about that for a second,” and then literally take a few seconds to think.

I do this all the time when I’m working one-on-one with clients.

The goal is to ground your nervous system and slow the interaction down so you can collect your thoughts and decide what you want to say next, whether it’s sharing a thought or asking a question.

Slower and clearer communication is, of course, more effective than rushing to respond immediately.

It’s also important to give yourself permission to take breaks if that’s possible, whether at personal, community, or professional events, in situations where you’re interacting in groups, because you know that when you become overloaded, either socially, emotionally, or cognitively, processing information in real time just becomes harder.

(15:04):

And stepping away, even briefly, is one strategy you can use to help yourself regroup and then re-engage so you can process the conversations more effectively.

“Excuse me, I have to use the restroom” is always a winner.

And because it’s harder to track and process information in large groups, another strategy is to focus on one person or a smaller group.

In a situation where larger group conversations start feeling overwhelming, you may find it much easier to stay engaged and process information in one-on-one interactions rather than in a loud group where everyone seems to be talking over each other.

Give Yourself Permission To Follow Up Later, and Not In Real Time

(15:49):

And I know, as is true for many ADHD adults, you may put pressure on yourself to respond immediately in conversations, even when you don’t feel ready.

But really, not every response has to happen in real time.

Of course, it always depends on the context, but sometimes it can be possible, and even better, to say, “You know, I’d like to think about that a little more and get back to you.”

That way, you can give yourself the time you need to organize your thoughts, regulate your emotions, and then respond in a way that more accurately reflects what you really think.

And sometimes it may help to let the person know when you’ll follow up.

You might say, “Let me get back to you tomorrow,” or, “I’ll follow up before our next meeting,” or whatever timeframe makes sense given the situation.

(16:46):

And of course, there are times when you get to choose the environment.

So when you do have a choice, you might decide you’d rather connect with people during a small dinner party, a walk, or a coffee with one person, or any other quieter gathering instead of a large noisy event.

And that’s not about avoidance or failure. It’s about accepting that you may simply prefer certain kinds of social environments over others.

And when you do have a choice, it’s okay to take your preferences into account.

And finally, try to focus less on performing and more on just being present.

You do not need to impress everyone in the room.

Often, the goal is simply to connect, be curious, and have a few meaningful interactions.

You don’t have to master each event. You just need enough support and structure to show up more comfortably as yourself.

(18:01):

What I hope you’re taking away from this episode is that slow processing speed is not a character flaw or a sign that you’re not smart.

It may simply mean that you need more time, more structure, or other strategies to help you process and respond in conversations the way you want.

Also, I hope that you remember that it’s okay to take your preferences into account, and it’s also really important to experiment to find out what will work best for you.

That’s it for now, and I’m really glad you joined me.

If this resonated with you and you want to hear more strategies for working with your ADHD, hit like and follow so you don’t miss future episodes about reimagining what productivity might be with ADHD.

Until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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ADHD Adults and Slow Processing Speed In Conversations Resources:

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• Check out researcher Kristin Neff’s website to learn more about how ADHD adults can apply self-compassion in their lives.
• Discover strategies ADHD adults can use to take better notes.

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