How ADHD Adults Prioritize When Everything Feels Important

Episode Summary

Do you ever look at your to-do list and feel stuck because everything seems important?

If you’re like many ADHD adults, you may struggle to decide what deserves your time and energy when work, family, health, relationships, hobbies, and everyday responsibilities all compete for your attention. And when you’re not clear on your priorities, it’s easy to stay busy without feeling confident you’re focusing on what matters most.

In this episode, I’ll explore what people really mean when they talk about priorities and why setting priorities and following through on priorities are two different skills.

I’ll also discuss how values can help you identify what matters most, how competing priorities can create difficult trade-offs, and why deciding where you want to go big can make it easier to make choices about how to spend your time and energy.

Finally, I’ll share a framework for translating your priorities into meaningful activities, keeping them visible, and regularly reviewing them so you can stay aligned with what matters most to you.

What You’ll Learn About Setting Priorities As An Adult With ADHD

• Why setting priorities and following through on priorities are two different skills
• What people mean when they say something is a priority and why that distinction matters
• How your values can help you decide what deserves your time and energy
• Why competing priorities require trade-offs and how to decide where you want to go big
• How to identify, capture, and regularly review the activities that support your priorities

How ADHD Adults Prioritize When Everything Feels Important Transcript

(00:03):

Like many adults with ADHD, you may be confused and perhaps even frustrated when you don’t follow through on your priorities.

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.

I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD coach and an executive function coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

I know that the reason you’re likely listening to this episode is that you want to know how you can follow through on your priorities, and we’ll definitely get to that in Part 2. But today, I want to talk with you about how you set your priorities because I’m pretty sure right now you have a list of to-dos that’s probably much longer than you can possibly follow through on.

(01:08): ADHD Adults Need To Know Their Priorities To Follow Through

And while you may be super busy, maybe you’re not confident that you’re spending your time and energy on what matters most to you. If that’s true, this episode is definitely for you.

When clients tell me they aren’t following through on their priorities, the first question I ask them is, “What do you mean by priorities?” Because I know it can mean different things to different people.

Sometimes, when people say something is a priority, they mean it’s something they genuinely enjoy and want more of in their lives. It might be spending time with family and friends, pursuing a hobby, traveling, or something else.

(01:52): What Do ADHD Adults Mean When They Talk About Priorities

Other times, when people mention priorities, they mean it supports something that’s of value to them, that it’s important. So while they may not love exercising, paying bills, or preparing for work, these activities do support things that they care about, like their health, financial stability, or professional success.

And then there are other times when people say something is a priority, and what they really mean is that they think they should do it. It might be something somebody else expects of them, like their boss or partner, or maybe it’s something they believe a successful, responsible adult should do.

Though these three interpretations of what a priority means are very different, we tend to use the same word, priority, to describe all of them.

So here’s a definition I think will be most useful for you. A priority is simply something you want to spend time and energy on because it’s in alignment with your values.

(03:04): Setting Priorities and Following Through On Priorities Are Not The Same For ADHD Adults

Of course, that begs the question: What is a value?

I really like psychologist and author of The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris’s definition, which also includes a distinction between values and goals.

He says:

“Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves. They are leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life.”

Values reflect what you want to do and how you want to do it. They’re about how you want to behave toward your friends, your family, yourself, your environment, your work, etc.

And values, he says, are not the same as goals. Values involve ongoing action. They are like directions we keep moving in, whereas goals are what we want to achieve along the way.

A value is like heading west. A goal is like the river or mountain or valley we aim to cross while traveling in that direction.

(04:23):

Goals can be achieved or crossed off, whereas values are ongoing. No matter how far west you go, you never reach it.

For example, if you want to be a loving, caring, supportive partner, that’s a value. It involves ongoing action. In contrast, if you want to get married, that’s a goal. It can be crossed off or achieved.

If you want a better job, that’s a goal. Once you’ve got it, goal achieved. But if you want to fully apply yourself at work, contribute your best, and engage fully in what you’re doing, that’s a value. It again involves ongoing action.

And because I think priorities are so much more compelling when they’re in alignment with our values, my hope for you is that your priorities are based on your values. And as you set and follow through on your goals, they’re also in alignment with your values.

I’ve included links with the podcast on my website to Brené Brown’s list of values and Harris’s Bull’s-Eye Values Clarification Exercise, which can help you visualize how your daily behaviors are, or are not, in alignment with your values.

(05:46): What Do Priorities Look Like In Action For ADHD Adults?

So if a priority is the way you intend to spend your time and energy, and it’s hopefully in alignment with your values, the next question you’ll need to grapple with is: What does that look like in action?

And this is where it gets really tricky because, as you know, even your values-based priorities can sometimes conflict when you need to choose how to spend your time and energy.

Recently, a member of our online support group that I facilitate shared that two important values for her were having fun and helping people in need. So when she was recently asked to help a friend in need and already had plans to have coffee with another friend at the same time, which presumably would’ve been fun, she had to choose.

She chose to help the friend. At that moment, she decided that helping the friend was a priority for that moment in time.

That doesn’t mean that having fun wasn’t a value any longer. It just reflected the reality that she had to choose what to do with that particular block of time.

(07:02):

Another conflict that often happens for people who are in the season of their life of still raising kids and working is the need to balance these two important aspects of their life.

And when I say balance, I don’t mean that they’re necessarily evenly weighted on any given day.

For example, in the course of that same discussion, another member who valued doing well at work and being present as a parent shared that that week she chose to leave the office early to see her kid’s sporting event, even though she was totally overloaded at work.

Doing well at work was still a value to her, but she had to choose, again in that moment, what to do with her time.

Choosing between priorities is not always easy and does not necessarily mean that you’ll be comfortable with whatever decision you make, even if you’re pretty sure, or even absolutely sure, you made the right decision.

She was 100 percent confident that going to her kid’s sporting event was the right choice. Yet she still felt uncomfortable with all the work she left at the office.

(08:20):

As Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism, suggests, one of the steps you can take to make it easier, though maybe not easy, at these critical moments of choice, is to decide where you want to go big. That is, where do you want to excel?

McKeown’s definition of excel is to make your highest contribution toward things that really matter to you without stretching yourself too thin.

Like many adults with ADHD, you may be drawn to the stimulation of doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But I don’t need to tell you that if you’re choosing to go big in one area, you may need to choose to spend less time and energy in other areas or perhaps, given the season of your life, give them up entirely.

Of course, to make these decisions, you’ll need to consider what trade-offs are acceptable to you.

(09:24):

For example, in this season of my life, taking care of my health is an area where I do want to go big, excel, which includes, among other things, working out an hour a day.

But when I was actively parenting, taking care of myself, yeah, sure, it was on my radar, but like many parents, not a place I was trying to go big.

It’s not that my values or priorities have changed. It’s just that now I want to go big in that area, and I have the time and energy to do that.

So where do you want to go big?

Is it being a parent, partner, friend, community member, family member?

Do you want to excel in your profession?

Or maybe it’s a hobby or sport you want to excel at.

Whatever it is, is there anything you might consider doing less of or giving up entirely, at least for now?

(10:21): How ADHD Adults Identify the Activities That Support Their Priorities

Once you’ve decided where you want to go big, the next step you’ll need to take is to identify the activities that will allow you to do that.

And this is where priorities become more concrete.

For example, if you’ve decided that being a present parent is a priority, what activities support that?

Maybe it’s attending your child’s sporting events, having dinner together several nights a week, or making time to talk to them when they need you.

And if you’ve decided that building your business is a priority, what activities do you need to do to support that priority?

Perhaps it’s networking, following up consistently with prospects, creating content, or improving your systems.

And if you’ve decided that taking care of your health is a priority, what exactly are you going to do to support that?

You might, like me, exercise regularly, prepare healthy meals, or get enough sleep.

(11:27):

These are all actions that help you express your priorities and live in alignment with your values.

But many ADHD adults skip this step. They decide that something is important, but they never really stop to think about what they actually need to do to support that.

As a result, they may end up with a long task list filled with random obligations, urgent requests, and things they think they should be doing, but really no clear connection between those tasks and what actually matters to them.

But when you’re clear about the activities that support your priorities, it becomes easier to decide what really deserves your attention and what doesn’t.

Then, once you’ve identified the activities that support your priorities, you’ll need a way to keep them visible.

After all, this is true for many adults with ADHD: out of sight is often out of mind.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough to decide what’s important.

(12:38): Why ADHD Adults Need To Keep Their Priorities Visible

If your priorities and commitments disappear from your awareness, it’s easy to get continually pulled in many different directions and spend your day responding to whatever feels most urgent at that moment.

This is why you’ll need some way to capture and regularly revisit the activities you’ve decided support your priorities.

That probably includes a task manager to capture all your tasks, a calendar to be able to track all your date- and time-sensitive events, and some people like to have things like whiteboards to help them remember what they need to do.

And while a little bit more abstract, for others, a vision board can help remind them of what’s important to them.

The specific tool is not as important as making sure that you’re not trying to keep things in your head and that you’re able to remember what you need to remember.

David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, explains the problem this way:

“It’s not one thing, but five all wrapped together. People keep stuff in their head. They don’t decide what they need to do about stuff they know they need to do something about, and they don’t organize action reminders and support materials in functional categories. Also, they don’t maintain and review a complete and objective inventory of their commitments. Then they waste energy and burn out, allowing their busyness to be driven by what’s latest and loudest, hoping it’s the right thing, but never really feeling the relief that it is.”

(14:28):

I think Allen’s last point is particularly important for many ADHD adults.

When you don’t have a way to keep your priorities visible, your attention is often captured by whatever is latest and loudest, feels urgent, or most interesting.

And while those things may occasionally be important, they aren’t necessarily aligned with what you’ve decided matters most to you.

However you decide to keep your priorities visible, you’ll also need to have a process for revisiting them on a regular basis so you can make adjustments to them as your life changes.

After all, priorities are not set in stone. They’re not like the Ten Commandments.

Circumstances change. New opportunities arise. Unexpected challenges show up, and you need to be nimble enough to be able to meet this ebb and flow of life.

And if you’ve been listening to me for a minute, you know that I often recommend doing a weekly review as an opportunity to step back from the day-to-day busyness and ask yourself questions like:

(15:50): ADHD Adults Need To Take Time to Review and Adjust

Am I spending my time and energy on what matters most to me?

Are my activities aligned with my priorities?

Is there anything I need to stop, start, or adjust?

What does my calendar tell me about how I’m actually spending my time?

A weekly review is also a time to look ahead and decide how you’ll follow through on your priorities in the coming weeks.

What needs to happen?

What commitments need to be made?

What deserves a place on your calendar?

For some people, looking ahead a week is adequate. Others may find it helpful to do a more comprehensive review, maybe quarterly, yearly, or at some other interval that makes sense for them.

The goal is to periodically step back, reflect, and make intentional adjustments so that your time and energy continue to support what matters most to you.

And that brings us to an important distinction.

Knowing your priorities and following through on your priorities are not the same thing.

I often have people tell me they know what’s important to them, they’re just not following through.

And sometimes it’s because they haven’t done the exercises I suggested above in this episode, where we focused on how to identify what matters most, decide where you want to go big, and create a system for keeping those priorities visible.

(17:26):

While having all this information will be helpful to be able to follow through, it doesn’t guarantee that you will follow through because that’s a different skill set, which we’ll tackle in Part 2.

What I hope you’re taking away from this episode, though, is understanding your values, deciding where you want to go big, identifying the activities that support those priorities, and creating a way to keep them visible are what you need to be confident that you’ve identified your priorities day to day.

That’s it for now.

And if this resonated with you and you’re feeling like you need more help applying what you know, you might consider joining my ADHD Support and Education Group.

It’s a weekly virtual live group where we focus on real-life challenges, and you get strategies and support from people who really get what you’re dealing with, as well as from me.

And if that sounds like something you might find helpful, you can learn more about it at marlacummins.com/member.

I’ll also include a link in the show notes.

And until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD.

I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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Resources To Help ADHD Adults Set Priorities

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• Ready to learn how to tame your to-do list when you have ADHD?
• Are you using your calendar correctly? Maybe not.
• Doing a weekly review can help ADHD adults be clear on their priorities.
• Not clear on your values? Here is psychologist and Happiness Trap author, Russ Harrison’s Bullseye Values Clarification Exercise.
• Need to identify your values? Check out Brene Brown’s list of values.