Marla Cummins

ADHD Coach and Productivity Consultant

How to Let Go of Perfectionism When You Have ADHD

by

adhd and perfectionism

Are you a perfectionist? If you are, are you aware of the impact it is having on your life?

Stumped by either of these questions? Before reading on check out Part 1 about the cost of perfectionism to find out what it means to be a perfectionist and how it may affect you.

Then, if you decide you have perfectionist tendencies and it concerns you, you can decide whether you are ready to do anything about it.

Will you be ready to make changes?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Weighing the Costs and Benefits1

Initially, you may think, “Who would want the burden and pressure of being a perfectionist?! Obviously, anyone would want to change that kind of behavior…”

But, as you jump in with both feet determined to make changes, you notice you are just not doing what you said you wanted to do.

And you’re perplexed.

Meet your friend, resistance.

You may be resistant to giving up perfectionism because, whether you are aware of this or not, on some level you may think there are benefits of this way of thinking and behaving. And you are just not ready to give up these perceived benefits.

If you want to break down this resistance, one way to start is to get really clear about what you perceive to be the cost and benefits of perfectionism.

Filling out the chart below will help you get this clarity.

Negative consequences of perfectionism (eg. can’t relax, give up easily…) Positive consequences of perfectionism (eg. motivates you to work harder…)

 
Benefits you expect if you loosen your standards. (eg. more balance in your life, more time with family and friends…)

 

 Costs you might incur if you loosen your standards (eg. you won’t achieve your goals…)

Now, as you look at this chart, what do you think? On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your readiness to change?

You may be contemplating the impact of your perfectionism and the possibility of doing something about it. Thinking about changing is part of the process.

But whether you are ready to take action can be a whole other story. If you are not ready, that is ok, really. You are where you are. Come back when you are ready.

If you are ready now, read on…

What Does Good Enough Look Like?

Did you look at the above question and think, “So, now you’re asking me to set the bar really low?” Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to give up your standards.

I’m just challenging you to temper your tendency to set unrealistically high standards because this behavior is one of the roadblocks that is preventing you from reaching your goals. It is getting in your way, right?

Below is an example of how Bob adjusted his standards at work.

1. Choose an Area.

Bob wants to be less of a perfectionist at work.

2.  Adjust the Standard.

Bob’s current standard: All his communication, whether written or verbal, has to be polished and demonstrate he is an expert in his field.

A more reasonable standard: Bob decided he will be clear in his communication and share only what is needed and will add value.

3.   Current Perfectionist Behavior

Bob is spending 20-30 minutes crafting several emails each day. He tends to agonize over his word choice. He also includes answers to questions and concerns he thinks people might have, even if they did not ask them, yet.  Really, he includes anything that comes to mind!

4.   Goal to Reduce this Behavior:

Bob decided to set a timer and spend no more than 10 minutes on each email. He would check it over to make sure it was clear and he answered all the questions asked. Then he would send it.

If they needed more information from him, he would schedule a phone conversation, rather than emailing again.

5.   Time Frame:

He decided a month was a good amount of time to try this new process.

Are you game to try to adjust your standards?

Getting Rid of Your Worst Critic

Don’t be surprised, though, when you hear your critics shouting from the highest peak, “This is not good enough!!”

You need to send these pesky critics on a nice long trip, if you are going to have any chance of tempering your perfectionism. And you might as well start by giving the boot to your worst critic, right?

But, if you are thinking about who this might be, you can stop. All you need is a mirror. While you may have people in your life who are critical of you, and you will want to learn how to deal with them, your worst critic is probably you.

Yes, you. Surprised?

Here are some of the messages Bob was sending himself:

  • Only lazy people don’t spend time composing their emails.
  • Short answers would show I don’t care.
  • If I don’t add a lot of detail, they’re going to think I don’t know what I’m talking about.
  • I can’t take a break until I get all these emails done.

Messages like these contributed to keeping Bob’s perfectionism going.

You may need the help of a therapist to understand how you came to internalize your critical messages before you can start shedding them.

But, whether you do it on your own or with help, key to tackling your perfectionism is changing your internal dialogue from the negative loop currently playing in your head to positive self-talk.

Bob practiced replacing his old messages with the ones below:

  • A short email response is better than no response at all.
  • They just want an answer, and don’t want to wade through a tome to get to the point.
  • If I don’t include something and they have questions, they’ll ask.
  • If I spend less time on emails, I’ll have more time to work on my important projects and can get home sooner.

Make no mistake, changing your internal dialogue is not just a nice to have skill, it is critical if you want to minimize your perfectionism.

Choose One Context and Experiment

Ok, if you’ve gotten this far in the article, you might be raring to go. And that’s great. But be careful. Like many adults with ADHD you might want to do it all at once!

But trying to make too many changes at once is a setup, and may lead to failure. So, choose one area where you would like to work on your perfectionism. Is it work, a sport, school or something else?

Oh, and a heads-up. As an adult with ADHD, persisting without giving up too soon and being patient with what might seem too slow a process can be a challenge.

Right. You knew that. Acknowledging and reminding yourself of this along the way, as well as employing strategies to counter these tendencies, will help you to persevere in changing your perfectionist habits.

It will also help to think of the process as an experiment. Like most experiments, you will likely have to return to the lab again and again before you are satisfied with the results.

If your perfectionism is too entrenched to try to make changes on your own, it may also help to have a lab partner, such as therapist or coach.

Procrastination is Not Your Problem

Yep, that’s right. And all along you thought you had to conquer procrastination.

Procrastination is just the symptom. And one of the causes is perfectionism.

So, if you can learn how to address your perfectionism, you will be one step closer to managing procrastination in your life.

Two for one. Nice, right?

ADDed Perspectives Bottom Line

Once you can set appropriate goals and standards for yourself, you’ll have an easier time achieving your goals.

And I bet you will experience more of a sense of fulfillment, rather than feeling frustrated and blaming yourself for not doing things perfectly.

 

Do You Have Trouble Following Through?

Get your FREE special report now and learn about Six Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make (and how to fix them).

You'll also receive ADHD management tips in the ADDed Perspectives Newsletter.

I've never felt as hopeful as I am now. Marla's reassuring voice and straightforward manner helped me to internalize a consistent approach to each problem. Before I was frazzled, couldn't do what I needed to do and felt like a fraud professionally. When things weren't working before I saw it as a personal failing. We figured out what I needed to do. And now stuff is not falling through my fingers and I'm not surprised by things that come up professionally. Every accomplishment felt reinforcing. I remind myself when I have organizational challenges now that it is my neurobiology, not me! I don't see myself as defective and am not ashamed anymore. I just think about the next step I need to do to figure it out.

— Deborah, Psychologist

Marla has an excellent understanding of ADHD and a great knowledge base of related topics. She was able to expertly guide me through decisions I needed to make and helped me tackle big and small things I needed to do. Knowing I had adhd was only 25% of the battle for me. I’m so glad that I chose to stay committed to coaching. Now that I have more self awareness about myself and my adhd I trust myself to get what I need done. I don’t try to do too much anymore and when I’ve done all I can on my own I’m more willing to reach out for support. My production is way higher than I expected, but I’m also way less stressed and that makes it easier on a personal level at home too.

— A.V., Vice President - Investment Sales

What I gained from working with Marla was invaluable. Marla was consistently supportive, positive and uncritical. I learned to honor the way I work best, and am more accepting of my ADD and other characteristics. Now I ask myself, how can I get what I need to get done without running against my own personality? After learning more about ADD from Marla, I don’t think of my challenges as a personal weakness. This change in my thinking allows me to better handle my challenges by thinking of strategies to manage them, rather than engaging in self blame! Yes, cost was definitely a factor when I decided to work with Marla, but I knew that this is what good professionals charge. Being able to make choices that are right for me and learn strategies that last a life time is invaluable to me. The investment was certainly worth it. From working with Marla, I learned a lot about goal setting, meeting objectives, and doing that as a person with ADD. If you are stuck or frustrated, I would certainly hire Marla as a coach.

— C.O., Financial Manager

Before working with Marla I got by by winging it but I was not keeping up with the flow of information and I wasn’t managing my time productively. I was often reactive and overwhelmed. I didn’t even think I could be productive… Identifying where and why I was having struggles and having a person to help me through those was the most helpful. Marla is non-judgemental so when something didn’t go as expected, I felt OK talking to her about it and exploring different options to try.  She is a very good listener and is able to give helpful insights and suggestions. I truly enjoy our conversations. The outcome that I appreciate the most is that I feel more in control. Before there was always something I was forgetting to do or follow-up on. Now I think I have much better handle on things.  Also, I am able to focus more time on longer term projects so they don’t become a complete crisis when getting close to the due dates. This has eliminated the last minute rush that used to happen all the time. I am also just calmer. When I started to work with Marla I was at a point in my life that I was not satisfied with how my life was going. I wish I had done this earlier!

— M.P., Controller

Coaching with Marla was very useful, and also essential. I do not know what I would have done w/o the Sunday night periods of going over the past week, looking forward to the next week, and making a plan. The actual phone check ins on Tuesdays…crucial, to help me get clear, as well as for the simple act of accountability. Marla served as a focal point (as in, ‘oh, yeah, this was what I was doing’), and–at times–as an anchor that grounded things. I can not imagine having had to go through the past 6 months w.o. someone ‘outside’ me, and my life, to help me stay the course. Now, I feel more confident in my abilities, in what I have to offer. I realize I do have options. How freeing! Lastly, but certainly not least, I have a very, very clear sense of my values, and I am using those to guide me, and that helps me to trust in my course.

— Cindy R., Writer and Editor

I have a lot more peace of mind, less stress, much less anxiety… I feel that we make progress in every session and always feel more confident that I am learning skills that will help me personally and professionally. I particularly like that I do not feel ashamed when I talk about areas I want to improve. Understanding that I wasn’t broken, and just think about things differently was key. Trying to learn the way non-ADHD people learn was a mistake I have repeated my whole life. I now know what the best environment is for me and can recognize distractions and noise immediately. I am now able to have way more confidence to let go of the recurring thoughts about tasks, because I have tools that remember for me. I drop a lot less balls. In fact, typically, if I don’t do something now, it’s because I consciously lowered it on my priority list. I couldn’t do that very well before. I used to just shut down and drop everything because the stress was so great. That never happens anymore. Thanks again for all your help.  Your coaching was probably the best investment I've ever made in me!

— T.D., Sales Professional

Together we identified obstacles that were preventing me from truly going after the job that I would be happiest in. I’m balancing a full workload (I currently have 4 part-time jobs), graduate school, and 15-20 hours of training as a competitive cyclist. For a few years, I was having trouble committing myself to finding a new job and this was, in turn, making it difficult for me to work toward my graduate degree. I recently overcame a major hurdle in my progress toward my degree and am in touch with an increasing pool of potential employers. Marla is a time management guru, to be sure, but her most unique skill is her ability to ask questions that help me to step outside of myself for a moment and take a hard look at my motivations and decision making processes. Her questions have helped me to become more independently active in that I now know how to ask myself the kinds of questions that Marla might ask me. Without Marla’s help, I probably would not be as far along in my job search as I am now and would still be far from finishing my degree. Thanks, Marla!

— Paul D., PhD Candidate / High-School Teacher

Through our work I clarified my goals, identified communication issues, fuzzy planning and established personal accountability. In working with Marla, I received practical organizing and planning techniques, inspiration and empowering suggestions.  Marla helped me work with each issue as developing life skills and emphasized personal responsibility. Marla is an excellent coach and compassionate, encouraging mirror. I recommend her without any reservations.

— Fred B., Business Consultant

The coaching worked so well because it was tailored just for me - not a cookie cutter type of experience. It was exactly what I needed! We identified and worked on my concerns - got at the root cause and figured out what I could do to make it better. I proved I am capable of growth and change. For one, my communication has improved through the different departments and with my own team. My email and task organization are better, too. I have more tools at my disposal to help with my organization which helps me feel more calm and settled, even when things start to get hectic at work. I have tried to be perfect for too long and it was causing me to focus on the wrong areas... I stopped thinking it is always my fault and I've started to develop a thicker skin when I do make a mistake. I can move on more quickly and stay focused on the current tasks instead of worrying unnecessarily. I am more confident in my abilities and I have learned how to stop worrying as often about things outside of my control. Marla did a wonderful job with everything. Everything we worked on I made improvements in!

— E.A., Human Resource Manager

Marla has been tremendously helpful in keeping me “on track” with important and complex projects during a time when I cannot afford to get lost. At the same time, she is helping me realize that while avocational goals are important, so too are relationships and personal fairness. In our last meeting, Marla helped me begin to tackle a lifelong misapprehension of time and how to gain control of it. More important than problems solved is my greater confidence in addressing problems and trying to solve them, rather than simply quitting because no resolution is apparent. Marla offers a non-judgemental, objective appreciation for the large and small difficulties and success that are not apparent to myself, and a way to order these things so that they can be confronted and appreciated, respectively. She has helped me see what appear to be insurmountable problems as just small impediments. Specifically, she has goaded me into making phone calls to people that I didn’t think would want to hear from me, and to do everything to keep communications channels open. She has also helped me by keeping a focus on the challenge I feel in organizing and constantly reviewing how to strike a balance between letting my schedule get out of control and focusing too intently on it and thus losing track of the bigger picture.

— Josh D., Professional Writer and Editor

Marla’s support was critical in reducing anxiety after receiving the diagnosis of ADD. She imparts information in a warm, impartial, professional manner. Marla is always on your side and willing to work at your pace. At the same time, she challenges you to think about your daily decisions and how they impact your life, and your options for change, should you desire it. Marla helps you identify, prioritize, and focus on weaknesses in a nonjudgmental way and plants the seeds of ideas for you to follow up on, either immediately, or in the future when you’re ready. Above all, she compliments your strengths.

— Jane F., Parent

...while working with Marla, I have been able to move into a career that I have always wanted to be in. I spent many years with undiagnosed ADD not knowing why I had such difficulty with staying focused, starting projects and having difficulty finishing them, unable to prioritize what I needed to do in my life, and many of the other symptoms. I finally sought help through a physician who recommended taking medication. It was also suggested I find an ADD coach to help me re-learn new ways of managing my ADD. I contacted Marla, and after the first conversation I felt comfortable enough to give the coaching a try. After a few sessions working with Marla, she was able to help me start developing the goals and tools I needed to start clearing the clutter in my life. Today using the different techniques that I have learned while working with Marla, I manage my time more efficiently, and complete projects to the end. It is good to know that you do not need to make the journey alone with ADD. I look forward to working with Marla now and in the future.

— Chris E., Support Analyst

Marla was my second coach. The first one did not really help me, so I was kind of skeptical. Marla’s help was astonishing. After only a few calls she seemed to have me figured out pretty well. She called me on empty promises, pushed me just enough never too much, and together we came up with tools that actually work and which I actually use. She has an uncanny ability to know how far she can push me without ticking me off. Thanks to that I never felt pressure to lie about or excuse what I had done or how I was doing. After living with ADD for many years I started believing that I was lazy, stupid, and crazy. Marla was able to convince me that I was none of these by helping me solve small issues and get a track record of success. Once those things were accomplished, many of the pieces sort of fell in to place.

— Marc D., Software Engineer