DESCRIPTION:
Adults with ADHD often have underdeveloped self-talk skills to guide their actions in positive ways. At the same time, unfortunately, they often have an abundance of negative self-talk, which can get in the way of doing what they want and being who they want. The antidote to this is to be aware of this negative self-talk and reframe it into more useful and positive self-talk for you.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- Self-talk can guide your actions in ways that help you or get in your way.
- If your self-talk is getting in your way, you can learn how to reframe it so it is more helpful.
- The types of self-talk that ADHD Adults need to reframe are: perfectionism, shoulds, have to, must finish now, this is monumental
RESOURCES:
Articles:
- ADHD and Email Part 1 – How to Prepare to Process Your Email
- ADHD and Email Part 2 – How to Process Your Email
TRANSCRIPT:
(00:00):
We all have an inner voice self-talk. You know the running commentary you have going on in your head throughout the day. The question is, is your self-talk helping you or getting in your way?
(00:12):
You’ve tuned into Scattered, Focused, Done – Reimagining Productivity with ADHD a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins and I’m glad you’re joining me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD so you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.
(00:43):
What is the last thing you said to yourself before starting to listen to this podcast? Even though that commentary is running through your brain throughout the day, I’m guessing you probably can’t remember. That is because it’s usually just flying under the radar
(00:58):
When it helps guide you in a positive way that’s a good thing. For example, when you get up in the morning, you may be running through what you need to do that day, so you may tell yourself, I wanna make sure I have a healthy breakfast with protein, so I’m ready for the day.
(01:14):
Where it becomes problematic though, is when you engage in negative self-talk that gets in your way of being who you want and acting in ways that help you reach your goals. This is that insidious voice in your head that maybe shames you, even beats you up, telling you, for example, I can’t ever get my work done on time. I’m always late. Why can’t I be like everyone else? Maybe even you’ll say to yourself, I’ll never succeed.
(01:41):
I don’t think that’s true, though. I’m hoping after listening to this podcast, you’ll be in a better place to consciously both engage in more positive self-talk and also catch yourself when you do engage in negative self-talk. So you can start to reframe that so it doesn’t get in your way.
(02:01):
Negative self-talk also referred to as an inner critic gremlin or saboteur, is that self-sabotaging inner voice that can hold you back from accomplishing your goals. So you might wonder where does it come from? One place is from the people in your life, maybe your parents, former teachers, your partner, boss, or others with messages such as: He doesn’t work up to his potential, She’s not reliable, He’s often late on delivering, et cetera. And, unfortunately, over time you may have come to internalize some of this feedback so that it has become part of your belief system.
(02:44):
These inner critics also may have become louder over time because of maybe past failures due to your undiagnosed or maybe even untreated ADHD. So now you continue to heap this criticism on yourself. And this negative self-talk reinforces your feelings of not being good enough and gets in the way of taking effective action, action that could help you be successful. The good news is, though, that you have control over stopping this negative self-talk ready to stop being your own worst critic. So you can move forward.
(03:22):
The first step to do this is to become more aware of how your self-talk may be hindering you from being and acting in alignment with your values and goals. And the way you can do this is to ask yourself: Where am I resisting taking action? Where am I making a lot of excuses? When do I say I’ll try instead of I will? Where am I giving up right away as soon as something is not working. And last, where am I not following through on my intentions? Then pay attention to, and maybe even take notes on the self-talk you’re using in these moments.
(04:03):
Let’s start by looking at one of the more insidious sources of your inner critic, perfectionism. If perfection is is one of your challenges, your inner critic may often be telling you this is not good enough.
(04:17):
We can see how this plays out in the example of Isaiah who struggled to keep on top of his email. I know this may be a mundane example. But I think it gets the point across. Anyway, over time, he became aware of the self-talk that was getting in his way with messages such as: I don’t want them to think I don’t know what I’m talking about. I have to get this email just so. They may think I’m lazy or don’t care if I don’t add enough detail. I need to make sure there aren’t any mistakes.
(04:52):
Whenever he thought about his email, it felt so daunting to write what he thought was the perfect email, Isaiah often procrastinated tending to his email, which led, of course, to an ever-growing backlog. To turn this around, Isaiah began reframing his self-talk with more helpful messages, such as: It’s better to send a short response rather than not responding at all. And then another reframe. They don’t want to read a long email. They just want an answer. And the last reframe. If they have questions, they’ll ask me. So, where are you resisting taking action because of perfectionism? How can you change the self-talk that is contributing to this so you can start taking action?
(05:40):
Another message you may be giving yourself is, I have to when it comes to a particular task. You do this in an effort to use force to get yourself into action. But, really, using force, whether it’s from you or from other people, will likely backfire. Because force just doesn’t work, especially for ADHD adults. Think of what happens when you feel forced. I’m guessing, like many, you feel resentful and resist doing the task, right? In fact, Isaiah began to notice that as soon as he said, I have to get this email done, he would feel stressed and overwhelmed. And then, yes, he would avoid the email.
(06:27):
So he worked on changing his authoritarian self-talk into messages that conveyed he had a choice by telling himself, I am choosing to respond to these emails because: One, communicating in a timely way is important to you, to me. Two, I will feel less overwhelmed if I stay on top of my emails. And the third one is I’ll be more confident that things are not falling through the cracks. Isaiah found that when he reminded himself why he would choose to stay on top of his emails, instead of using force, he was less likely to procrastinate. Where are you trying to force yourself to do something by telling yourself, I have to. How can you change these messages to convey the idea that you do have a choice?
(07:18):
The third form of self-talk that may be contributing to your procrastination is when you say, I should sometimes refer to as shoulding yourself.When you do this, you are telling yourself that you must do something different from what you are able to do. That is there is a rule you and others must follow.
(07:39):
For example, Isaiah would should himself when it came to email with statements like, I should never make a mistake when writing an email. The second one was, as a professional, I should always write thoughtful and detailed emails. And the third one, I should always prove to people that I know what I’m talking about so they think I’m competent. Obviously, Isaiah couldn’t follow these rules. As he was going to make mistakes and couldn’t always write detailed emails to prove he was competent. So, while he was using these shoulds, to try to motivate himself, he ended up feeling guilty and frustrated. And then, as a result, he ended up putting off tackling his email.
(08:25):
I’m sure the same happens to you too when you fall short of your own shoulds.The key to countering these rules is to replace these messages with ones that are more helpful. Isaiah’s replacement messages included: I’ll do the best I can, but making the occasional mistake is unavoidable. Or two, with all the work on my plate, it’s just not possible to write lengthy emails each time. I’ll do, again, the best I can to convey the information. And, if they have questions, I’m sure they’ll ask me to clarify. And third though, some emails will inevitably slip by, I’ll also do my best to reply in a timely way.
(09:11):
So what should messages do you have that are just not matching up with what you can do with reality and causing you to feel guilty and then procrastinate? How can you change these messages so the task does not feel so daunting?
(09:28):
The fourth self-talk that you may be using is because as the need for immediate gratification is common for ADHD adults, you may use self-talk that may be getting in your way of starting and following through on your work when you say to yourself, I must finish now. When you say this, you may also think, I’ll never be able to finish this. I have too much on my plate and don’t have time to finish this now. Or, if I can finish this, I might as well not start. Then the overwhelming pressure that comes with needing to finish the task right away, as you might imagine, causes you to put it off. Isaiah felt this pressure when he said to himself, I must get through all these emails now.
(10:16):
And so the key to reducing this pressure is to focus on, rather, than forcing yourself to finish now, on persistent starting. Rather than the need for immediate gratification. Isaiah decided to do this by putting aside dedicated 15 to 30 minute blocks of time during his workday to process and answer his emails. And reminded himself, I can get through what I need to if I focus on my email during these times. All I need to do is start.
(10:58):
So where are you procrastinating. And where are you telling yourself I must finish?And then because of this pressure putting it off. What would help you focus on persistent starting.
(11:11):
The fifth type of self-talk that may be causing you to procrastinate is when you think about one of your tasks or projects as too monumental. When you say to yourself: How can I ever create this training, write this report, finish my dissertation. It’s just too big. And then you may also say, I better get this right. This is too important to get wrong. And then like the other forms of negative self-talk, you end up getting overwhelmed and then, yes, procrastinate.
(11:45):
For Isaiah, this happened when he was dealing with emails that seemed really complicated, would require a few steps and a quite a bit of time. The alternative is to focus on one step at a time and just do the very next action possible. Isaiah used this strategy by reminding himself, I can figure out how to answer this email one step at a time. And then he would ask himself, what is the first step I need to take? And then continue to ask himself, what is the next step?
(12:21):
You can’t do your entire project or task, at least not right now for many of them. But you can do one step at a time. What is one of your projects or tasks that seems too big? What is the next manageable action step you could take and when could you do that?
(12:44):
Which of the negative self-talk messages are you using that contribute to your procrastination in one or more areas? If your inner critic was not sitting on your shoulder right now, how could you change these messages to make it easier to follow through?
(13:02):
That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, I hope you’ll check out my website, marla cummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might benefit. And, until next time, this has been Scattered, Focused, Done. And I’m Marla Cummins, wishing you all the very best on your journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD.