Are You Persisting in These 4 Areas When It’s Better to Quit?

DESCRIPTION:

True following through is often a challenge for ADHD adults. But not knowing when to quit may also be problematic for you. Learn from 4 examples of when it might be better to throw in the towel.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

Because of the ADHD challenge of persisting, ADHD adults may not give up when it’s the better option.
ADHD adults may have challenges in their job because it’s the wrong environment.
Tools or strategies may not be a good fit because of preferences, skill levels, or lack of interest.
It’s important the people you are connecting with contribute to your well-being.
Hobbies or extracurricular activities are one place where you may decide to dabble and not need to persist over the long haul.

RESOURCES:

Articles:

Books:

Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends by Marisa G. Franco PhD
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg Mckeown

TRANSCRIPT:

00:03:

One of the challenges for ADHD adults no doubt is persisting and following through, closing the loop. So how do you know when it’s time to give up and not persist? You’ve tuned into Scattered Focused, Done – Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins and I’m glad you’re joining me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD. So you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.

00:52:

You might start a hobby, a friendship or relationship, accept a job, adopt a new tool to help you manage your adhd, maybe renovate a room in your house, et cetera. Inevitably though, there are going to be times when for various reasons, it just doesn’t make sense to persist with your original decision. Sure, if you tend to be impulsive because of your adhd, your decisions occasionally might not be well thought out from the get-go.

But I’m also sure in many cases, with the information you had at the time you made the decision, you made the best decision you could. But, when your gut tells you that there’s something amiss with continuing down the same path, you still may ignore it. While there are many reasons beyond the scope of this podcast and my expertise that you may ignore these feelings, one of them may be related to your feelings about your adhd challenges with persistence, sticking with something and seeing it through.

02:05:

That is, because of your challenge with following through, you may automatically assume when you encounter a challenge, the problem lies with you. While I likely don’t know you, I can say with confidence that that’s obviously not always or even often true. Yet, because you think the problem lies in you, you may, for example, coast along with a friend who isn’t the right fit for you or double down on your efforts to succeed at a job that isn’t a good fit for you either.

Unfortunately, this may mean you waste valuable time and effort going down the wrong path. Rather than figuring out what would suit your needs better. To avoid this, it’s important to listen to your gut even though your initial interpretation may be wrong. And rather than jumping to conclusions, get curious and delve into trying to figure out whether and how you should persist or give up and take another path. Not sure if this applies to you?

03:09:

Hang with me as I explore some examples. I’ll start with the question I know many of you have, which is, “Am I in the right job?” If you’re dissatisfied with your job now, one of the questions you are likely pondering is, “If I could get on top of my ADHD challenges and perform better, would I like my job better? Would it be a better fit?” Or some variation of that question. I often work with people who have this same question.

And there is very seldomly an obvious answer, at least initially. As sometimes it’s necessary for them to work on upgrading their skills before they can clearly see what part of their challenges are related to their skill gaps because of their ADHD. And what part of their challenges are related to just being in the wrong work environment.

Let me illustrate with the example of my former client who was an in-house corporate attorney.

04:15:

Like you, she valued doing a good job. But, not only was she constantly behind in work, she was also struggling to take care of herself and spend the quality time she wanted to with her family. She initially assumed she could change this by upgrading her executive functioning skills and becoming more productive at work. That’s why she sought out my services.

It eventually became apparent though to both of us that wasn’t going to be enough. Because the company’s legal department was severely under-resourced. And so the work coming her way was like a fire hose spigot that never turned off and just kept knocking her down. And, while her boss was sort of empathetic and agreed it was too much work, she just told my client to do the best she could. My client really valued being able to do a good job, not just drinking from the fire hose.

05:15:

Through our work she eventually decided to throw in the towel, find a new job where the workload was in alignment with her values of being able to do well at her job and take care of herself and her family. And part of the key to making this decision was recognizing while she still wanted to work on upgrading her executive functioning skills, her ability to succeed at her current job wasn’t her fault. And, if you’re interested in exploring more about jobs for ADHD, I’ve also included my article, How to Find the Ideal Job for ADHD Adults, with the podcast on my website.

Whether your job is a good fit for you or not, I know you’re exploring strategies, tools, and processes to better manage the impact of your ADHD symptoms in both your personal and professional life. Yet, there are many ways your ADHD can make this challenging, no doubt. You may get distracted and have a hard time repeatedly engaging with a strategy or tool until it becomes easier.

06:23:

Sometimes this may be a byproduct of your ADHD challenge with modulating your emotions, managing your frustration. So, when something you are trying doesn’t work well or come easily at first, you may give up, perhaps, too soon. Then again, with the pace of life, you may just forget in the moment to use the tool or strategy. So, it falls by the wayside, even if it’s not intentional. Because of these challenges, there may certainly be times when you decide to work on upgrading your executive functioning skills to be able to use a strategy or tool better.

Yet, it’s important to remember that there will also be times when you try something and it’s just not a good fit for you. Maybe because of your preferences or your ADHD symptoms or some other reason. But, if you’re in the habit of thinking it’s just your fault and you just need to try harder, you may not take a beat to consider whether it’s even the right tool or process for you.

07:26:

Instead, what you might do is double down trying to customize it maybe because it’s fun to do that. But not really using it for its intended purpose. Or alternatively, as I mentioned before, just letting it go by the wayside without much thought.

If you want to avoid either of these scenarios, first, be sure there is a problem that you’re needing to solve with whatever you are trying to adopt. And you’re just not looking for the next shiny penny. Then decide how long you’re going to experiment with the tool or strategy, maybe four weeks. Next, set aside time to learn how to set it up and use it without too much customization, at least at first. And along the way remind yourself there will be a learning curve. Also, as soon as you realize you might need help, identify resources that you need. And, when the four weeks or whatever period of time you set aside is over, evaluate whether you want to continue or not.

08:36:

Even if you decide to continue, you may eventually just, well, get bored with using it. Because, as I like to say, your ADHD brain is a stimulus seeking heat missile. If something’s not interesting, it’s going to be harder to persist. Depending on the context, you may decide it’s just not worth your effort to try to figure out a workaround for this.

For example, maybe you adopt a task manager and it works for a while. Then you lose interest and stop using it. In this low-stakes example, you may decide to throw in the towel. And, rather than not using one at all, start over with a new one. Because the novelty of a new one may hold your interest. ADHD adults may tend to consider all context as having the same importance. Quitting a job or a relationship, of course, is not the same as deciding to stop using a task manager, right?

09:44:

Of course, you know this. But you may need to remind yourself of this in the moment. So you can consider the real consequences of considering a tool or process. And, if you’re interested in reading more about the process of finding and adopting tools, feel free to check out my article, Are You Choosing the Right Tools to Work With Your ADHD? You can find the link with this podcast on my website.

A third area ADHD adults tend to find challenging when making decisions whether to throw in the towel or not is around friendships. And no doubt, the stakes are higher than decisions about tools. And so are obviously not decisions you want to make lightly. But, if you’re like many ADHD adults, you may also err on the side of thinking it’s your fault if the relationship isn’t going well. Yet, positive connections are important for our wellbeing.

10:44:

In fact, ADHD expert Dr. Ned Hollowell includes making sure you keep up regular contact with a few good friends on his list of seven habits of highly effective ADHD adults. Like the other areas I’m covering, your executive function challenges may also make it hard to keep up with friends. So, you may need to upgrade some of your skills to do this, no doubt.

For more on suggestions on how to do this, you can check out my article, Are You An Adult with ADHD and Feel Isolated, which I’ve also included with the podcast on my website.

But, regardless of whether you choose to upgrade your executive functioning skills, you also want to be sure you’re able to discern if and how the people you are connecting with contribute to your wellbeing. Because remember, it’s about having positive connections. So, if you can’t think of anything that you’re getting out of a friendship to make it worthwhile maintaining, perhaps it’s time to reconsider. And maybe it is time to let it go.

11:55:

Again, not a decision to be taken lightly, but definitely one to be intentional about. One way to discern this is to pay attention to how you feel about yourself when you’re with the various people in your life. When you’re with your peeps, as I like to call them, you feel validated and good about yourself. Even when, because of your adhd, you mess up on occasion, which you will. Sure, again, you may want to upgrade some of your skills, like for example, being on time to social outings. But you also want people in your life who accept you as you are. Even if you decide to make certain changes. Are the people in your life right for you right now? If you’re interested in learning more about how to make friendships, I recommend checking out Platonic by Dr. Marissa Franco.

12:52:

Another area I know you may struggle with when deciding whether it’s okay to give up or not is around extracurricular activities or hobbies. I often hear ADHD adults lament about all the different activities they’ve tried and quit before they have been able to become proficient or even good at them. My best guess is this often comes from the internalized belief that dabbling is just not okay. And, if you’re going to try something, you better stick with it for the long haul. If you hold this belief as well, unfortunately, you may be missing out because you’re reticent to try new things as you’re fearful you’re just not going to stick with it.

So, here’s my perspective on it. Yes, there are certain areas of your life, like relationships and jobs, where you want to choose carefully, investing the time and energy to do well. And only quitting after careful consideration. That is, you don’t want to just dabble in these areas, no doubt. What if you decided where in your area you want to go big? And where it’s okay to just have experiences, dabble?

14:09:

If you’re interested in finding out more about the idea of going big and how to do that, I encourage you to check out Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. But as I mentioned earlier, not all context have the same weight, right?

What if you decided it’s okay to try out a smorgasbord of activities. And, if they spark your interest and you want to continue for a while, that’s great. But, if they don’t, what if you give yourself a pass? The advantage of holding this perspective is you get to try out a lot of different things. Which I think is pretty cool.

The obvious factor that may get in the way is the investment of time, energy, and money. So, you’ll want to consider carefully before trying out a new hobby to make sure you’re okay with the investment if your time spent doing it ends up being a little short lived. For example, if you buy a piece of exercise equipment, use it for a year and sell it for half price. Will you be okay with that? Or if you buy all the stuff you need to make kombucha, which I’m currently making, and then stop making it after six months. Can you look back and say, “that was fun for a while?” And then move on. It’s all what you make of it.

15:43:

Where in your life are you holding onto something. And it might be better to let go, throw in the towel. And what opportunities are you not pursuing, missing out on, because you’re afraid you won’t persist? Quitting is necessary and even good sometimes as long as you’re intentional. Ready to practice.

That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with adhd, please do check out my website, marlacummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcasts, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might also benefit. And, until next time, this has been Scattered, Focused, Done. And I’m Marla Cummins, wishing you all the very best on your journey to re-imagining productivity with ADHD.

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