DESCRIPTION:
Are you avoiding doing what’s important to you because you’re uncomfortable? Ready to get unstuck? When you use these 5 tips to address your discomfort you can get past it and start moving toward your goals.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- Discomfort with a task can keep you stuck.
- Your ADHD challenges may contribute to your discomfort and subsequent task avoidance.
- The 1st step to address this is to know how to notice your discomfort and be self-compassionate.
- The 2nd step is to identify the source of your discomfort.
- The 3rd step is to remember the reason you want to change this avoidance habit.
- The 4th step is to be able to go toward the discomfort to get to the other side.
- The 5th step is to know when you need help.
RESOURCES:
ARTICLE:
How To Become Shame Resilient When You Have ADHD
BOOK:
The Tools: 5 Tools to Help You Find Courage, Creativity, and Willpower–and Inspire You to Live Life in Forward Motion by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels
TRANSCRIPT:
00:03:
Of course you don’t want to be uncomfortable. Who would? I know I don’t. But learning how to be with some discomfort can also help you persist in doing what’s important to you instead of giving up or acting impulsively. Sound like something you’d like to be able to do?
You’ve tuned into Scattered, Focused, Done – Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, and I’m glad you’re joining me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD. So you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.
01:03:
Discomfort is, well, yucky. Yes, that’s a clinical term. And rest assured I’m not going to suggest you learn how to walk on hot coals to build your character and learn how to be with discomfort. Because learning how to be with discomfort is not the end goal.
Rather, because you already know life is full of uncomfortable experiences, my objective is for you to learn how to not let your discomfort get in the way of doing what’s important to you. That is, I want you to be able to persist, rather than either avoiding uncomfortable situations or shutting down when faced with one.
Think of a task you’re avoiding right now. Maybe you’ve said to yourself more times than you care to think of regarding this task, “I’ll do it later.” Right later. What you really meant is not now. After all, you haven’t decided when you’re going to do it, have you?
02:08:
In the moment when you decide not to do it you may not even know why you’re avoiding it. You just feel, well, uncomfortable for any number of reasons. Maybe because you don’t know how to do it, don’t want to do it because it’s not important to you, or don’t feel you have the time or some other reason. And your resistance to doing the task might be growing stronger the longer you procrastinate.
So, if there is no accountability, you may avoid it indefinitely. And, if you are accountable to someone for this task, as in the case at work, you may end up avoiding it until the last minute when your sense of urgency becomes great enough to prompt you to act. Then you might operate as if it’s a fire drill, eventually getting it done, even though it may not be your best work or even delivering it late.
I know this sounds like a lot of doom and gloom. But, if this sounds familiar, keep on listening to see how you can turn this around.
03:10:
A good place to start is to understand how your ADHD may be contributing to your avoidance when you feel uncomfortable. So you can be sure you are addressing these challenges in creating the right workarounds.
In some cases, your discomfort and subsequent avoidance is due to your related skill deficit in areas such as planning, sequencing the steps and estimating the time needed to accomplish it. So, when you think about the task, you’re confused as to how to even start.
In other cases, the avoidance may be due to your ADHD related challenge with managing your emotions. So you may become easily frustrated and this feeling can last for a long time. While there may be reasons for this frustration, one is certainly when you’re not able to do the task easily or quickly.
This may be related to another of your ADHD challenges, which is the tendency to need immediate gratification. For ADHD adults there is often now and not now. And you want to experience the fruits of your labor now, not in some distant future.
04:30:
Last, no list of ADHD related challenges would be complete without acknowledging the impact of your discomfort with boredom. In fact, for ADHD adults, it can feel intensely uncomfortable when your brain isn’t getting the stimulation it needs, which of course makes it hard to start a boring task.
And obviously there are reasons unrelated to your adhd you may feel uncomfortable and then avoid taking the action you need to move forward.
Whether related to your ADHD or not, the first step is to notice the physical cues you are uncomfortable. Maybe it’s a tight stomach, pounding heart, excessive fidgeting or something else. And when you notice this cue, the next step is to pause and remind yourself what you’re trying to do is hard. That is, give yourself some self-compassion. Because, even if the task is one you’re familiar with and maybe even know how to do, the execution may be a challenge because of your ADHD.
05:50:
Remember, ADHD is a challenge of performance. And without self-compassion, you may spiral into shame.
You can read more about this in my article, How to Become Shame Resilient When You Have ADHD. I’ve included this with my podcast on my website.
Anyway, when you spiral into shame, you believe you are inherently flawed, not good enough, and this will only magnify your resistance to the task, of course. Because, if you are indeed inherently flawed, which you aren’t, you just won’t be able to do it. So, you think to yourself: Why try?
To avoid this shame spiral remind yourself that what you’re trying to do is hard and uncomfortable. And it’s not because you are flawed. And, when you can remind yourself of this, you’re setting yourself up to be in a better position to feel you have the agency to find a solution despite the discomfort. Take the example of asking for help at work.
07:03:
You might have questions related to a task or, perhaps, need a thought partner to help you think through how to proceed on a project. Then again, sometimes this help may come in the form of delegating.
Once you notice you’re stuck, as in this example, and are uncomfortable asking for help, pause. And offer yourself self-compassion by telling yourself: Okay, I really don’t want to ask for help, and it’s super uncomfortable. But I can’t know everything. No one can. Of course, say whatever feels authentic to you. But I encourage you to literally talk to yourself aloud. I think you’ll find it more effective to externalize your thoughts than have them run around in your head. The next step is to become curious about the source of your discomfort by, in the example I’m using of asking for help at work, asking yourself questions like: What’s going on that I’m avoiding asking for help?
08:14:
Perhaps you’ll discover you’re just not clear what kind of help you need because you haven’t carved out the time yet to do the necessary upfront thinking. Doing this kind of upfront thinking is often a task ADHD adults neglect. Often because for you this might be true, you’re driven by more immediate and urgent tasks that feel more concrete than thinking.
Because fear might be driving your avoidance you might also ask yourself: What am I afraid might happen if I ask for help? Maybe you’re afraid of appearing less capable, not enough. This might be especially true if you think you should already have the answer.
The third question that can help you uncover why you’re giving into your discomfort and avoiding a task is: Is there something I don’t know how to do that’s getting in the way of asking for help? For example, you may want to delegate. But aren’t able to plan far enough ahead so you don’t end up dumping it on somebody at the last minute. Or maybe you’re just not sure how to communicate with enough specificity, so the task is completed the way you want.
09:40:
So, you end up saying to yourself: Well, it’s just easier if I do it myself.
The third step, after you’ve figured out the reason for your discomfort and the subsequent avoidance, is to tap into the reason you would want to change this. That is, what’s in it for you if you turn the situation around. Changing your avoidance habit will be hard, no doubt. And having a visceral connection to the reward, your reason why, while not enough by itself, will definitely help you persist in changing this habit.
Take the example of asking for help. If one of your professional values is learning and growing, you’ll likely need to look outside of yourself to do this, and that probably means, yes, asking for help. Or maybe you want to think more strategically in your job. But you don’t have enough time unless you learn how to better delegate. So that you have more space and time to do the necessary upfront thinking to be strategic.
10:46:
So, what is the reward for you in taking action on a task you’re avoiding because of your discomfort right now?
Once you identify the reward for not letting your discomfort keep you from taking action, and you know exactly what you need to do and can do it, you can try what Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels, authors of the book, The Tools, call the Reversal of Desire. You already know this strategy because it’s really a variation of feel the fear and do it anyway. Just slightly more involved.
Again, think of a task you’re avoiding right now. Okay, got it? Think of it, as I share this example from a former client.
She was a partner at a law firm. However, her firm was under-resourced and she decided it was time to go to a firm where she could get more support and better support. Because she was well respected in her area of expertise, she would not have a difficult time garnering interest from other firms. But she was uncomfortable emailing her contacts. And procrastinated doing this for months because she worried whether they would respond or whether they even thought she was that good. And, if they did respond, what if they didn’t have any interest?
12:10:
You get it.
Obviously, she knew how to draft an email reaching out to her network. There was absolutely nothing getting in her way other than the discomfort of her what ifs.
Eventually, she decided to run as fast as possible toward the fear to get herself in motion. Because there was just no avoiding this fear. Unless, of course, she opted to stay stuck at a firm where she was unhappy, which she didn’t opt for.
And you don’t have to stay stuck either. Imagine yourself doing the task you’re avoiding right now and feeling the discomfort, the fear, the pain, whatever you want to call it. Now, practice using these phrases, Stutz and Michael suggest.
Bring it on.
I love pain.
Pain sets me free.
I know, these may sound silly. I know they did to me. But they work. Think about it.
13:18:
Whether you call it discomfort, fear, or pain, you know, as I’ve already said, it’s inevitable part of the ebb and flow of your life. And, if your avoidance of it keeps you stuck, but experiencing the pain and moving past it will give you the forward motion you need to reach your goals, wouldn’t you want the pain? Not because you enjoy the pain. But so you can experience it, move past it, and then be on the other side.
So, what do you think? Are you ready to bring it on?
Then again, there will be times when feel the fear and do it anyway just won’t cut it for you. Because you really don’t know what you need to do to move forward.
In these instances the first step is to recognize when you’re stuck and need help. Then, as always, give yourself some compassion. Think about a friend, family member or colleague needing help in similar situations and what you might say to them. And then say that to yourself.
14:28:
You might need professional support.
If there are mental health issues getting in your way, you might need the help of a therapist before you can take a more proactive approach.
Alternatively, depending on the task, you may need a content expert, such as an accountant, virtual assistant, et cetera.
Other times you might just need a friend, family member or colleague to lean on as a collaborative thought partner to help you think through your avoidance and discomfort.
If you don’t need therapy or a specific content expert and you still can’t muster forward action on your own, you might reach out to an ADHD coach who can help you both figure out the barriers getting in your way and the skills, processes, tools, and mindsets you need to get unstuck. Because, as I said before, remember, ADHD is more often a challenge of performance than it is one of knowledge.
15:27:
So, if you can’t figure out the source of your discomfort and avoidance, it may be the executive functioning challenges of your ADHD that are getting in your way.
Last, please always consider whether it’s possible to just delegate the task in some way. Could you delegate it to one of your direct reports or someone else who is more skilled with that particular task? Maybe you could hire someone to do it or help you do it. Perhaps, you could barter. Whatever you can do to get it off your plate is always an option.
I think you get it. If you’re really stuck, ask for help.
Sometimes your discomfort can keep you stuck, maybe indefinitely. So, what will you do to move through this discomfort, get unstuck and back on track to working towards your important goals?
16:30:
That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, I hope you’ll check out my website, marlacummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, which I hope you have, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles who you think might also benefit. And until next time, this has been Scattered, Focused, Done. And I’m Marla Cummins, wishing you all the very best on your journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD.