What to Say When Setting Boundaries with ADHD

Episode Summary:

Setting boundaries often feels especially challenging when you have ADHD. And it’s not just about saying no.

In this episode, I’ll explore why ADHD adults often struggle with setting boundaries and how to recognize the signals that you might want to set one. You’ll also hear real-world ways to put into words what you can say to protect your time, energy, and values.

What You’ll Learn About ADHD and Boundaries

• Why social norms, people-pleasing, rejection sensitivity and ADHD symptoms like time blindness make boundary-setting harder
• How research shows we often overestimate the cost of saying no, and what that means for ADHD adults
• The benefits of setting boundaries for reducing stress, protecting energy, and aligning with your values
• How to recognize when a boundary might be needed by tuning into physical and emotional cues
• Real-world strategies and adaptable ways to say what you need with partners, family members, friends, colleagues, bosses, and more

Transcript: Setting Boundaries With ADHD Can Be Easier

(00:02):

Let’s be honest. Setting boundaries is tough, and if you’ve got ADHD, it can feel even harder. But here’s the thing. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about making sure your time and energy goes to what matters most to you, so let’s talk about how to make that easier.

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD and productivity coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

When you hear the word boundaries, you might think first about family, your partner, your kids, or other close relationships. That makes sense.

(01:03):

Those are often the trickiest situations because the stakes feel high, but boundaries don’t just apply in these intimate spaces. They also show up at work, in how you manage your energy, and even in what information you choose to share. So to keep that wider lens in mind, here are a few of the boundaries you might consider thinking about. Of course, one is time and energy. That might be about protecting your downtime, deciding when you’re available, and pacing yourself so you don’t burn out.

Then there are work and professional boundaries, which might include clarifying your role and responsibilities, maybe limiting access outside of work hours or saying no to others’ urgent requests and more. Then of course, there are social and relational boundaries, which might include deciding who to spend time with, what personal details you’ll share and with whom, what topics you’re open to discussing and which might be off the table.

(02:08): Types of Boundaries ADHD Adults Need to Know

Another boundary that can be especially tricky is emotional boundaries. That can mean recognizing you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, or responding to unhelpful criticism, or choosing not to engage in conflict that feels unhealthy. The last one I’ll mention is values boundaries. These are about protecting what matters most to you, things like honesty, family, truth, or community, and making choices that align with those values even when it feels uncomfortable or even unpopular.

Of course, there are other boundaries too, like physical, sexual, digital, or financial that I haven’t gone into here, and they might be ones you want to explore further if they’re relevant to your life. Though you don’t need to become an expert in all of these, it helps to know that boundaries aren’t just about time or close relationships. They’re really about protecting your attention, energy, and values, so you can show up the way you want.

(03:20):

As you are listening to me list the boundaries, I bet you are also acknowledging how important they are. Yet we also know it’s really hard to set boundaries. Why is that? One reason it’s hard to set boundaries is because of, well, social norms. Many of us are conditioned to say yes when someone asks for something or to just go along to get along, and we don’t really stop to think whether it’s right for us. Another reason might be politeness.

We don’t want to come across as rude or make the other person feel like their request or what they’re asking for or doing is unreasonable. Then there’s the people-pleasing part and wanting others to like us. For adults with ADHD, this can be especially strong because of perhaps rejection sensitivity or even rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

And if you’ve had a history of being corrected or judged, maybe because of your ADHD, it makes sense that you might go out of your way to prove you’re capable by saying yes when deep down you’d rather not. And if the truth be told, sometimes we just want to avoid uncomfortable conversations.

(04:35):

Saying yes feels easier in the moment, even when it often creates bigger problems later. Then, of course, there are reasons related to your ADHD that can get in the way of setting boundaries. For example, if you struggle with time blindness, you may not have an accurate sense of how much capacity you really have, or if emotional regulation is a challenge, you might get excited too quickly and jump in with both feet before you’ve had a chance to think it through.

There’s good news. First, as Vanessa Bohns points out in a study she co-authored, one of the reasons people have trouble acting in line with their boundaries is simply they don’t have the tools or scripts they need. But when they’re given these tools, instead of just being told to say no, they actually feel more comfortable drawing their boundaries. Of course, this means you can upgrade your skills in setting boundaries.

(05:40): Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard with ADHD

The other good news is that some of the reasons for feeling uncomfortable setting boundaries that feel so real in the moment aren’t as solid as they seem. For example, Vanessa Bohns’ research shows that we often overestimate the cost of saying no. We think the other person will be much more offended than they usually are.

Other research in psychology shows we’re also caught by the spotlight effect, believing people are paying closer attention to us than they really are. And then there is the illusion of transparency, assuming our discomfort is more visible than it is.

Altogether, these findings remind us, as many of us already know, that people really aren’t noticing or judging us as much as we imagine, and that means some of the fear around setting boundaries just doesn’t hold up as much as it feels like it does. So far, I’ve given you a taste of what kind of boundaries you might want to consider and some of the reasons.

(06:50):

Setting boundaries can be hard, along with why some of these reasons may not stand up to scrutiny. But before looking at how to set boundaries, it’s worth asking: if it’s so hard, why put the effort in? What do you actually gain? When you set boundaries, you, of course, might protect your time and energy from being pulled in too many directions.

That reduces stress and overwhelm and gives you a clear sense of control. But it’s not just about time. Boundaries also protect your emotional well-being, so you’re not carrying the weight of other people’s moods or criticism. They may protect your relationships so that you can engage from a place of respect rather than resentment.

And they protect your sense of identity and values so you can live and work in a way that feels aligned with who you are. In short, boundaries create the conditions for you to do your best work, show up fully in your relationships, and preserve the energy and attention you need for what matters most.

(08:03): How to Recognize When a Boundary Is Needed

Of course, there are whole books, courses, and maybe even your own therapy sessions devoted to setting boundaries, so I’m not going to try to cover everything here. But what I do want to share today are two things I hope will help you right now.

For sure, I’ll share some strategies for setting certain types of boundaries, but first, before that, I want to talk about how to notice when a boundary might need to be set. Because as an adult with ADHD, it can be easy to miss these signals when you’re moving fast, caught up in the moment, thinking three steps ahead, or feeling emotionally dysregulated.

Often, the first sign that a boundary might need to be set isn’t in your head — it’s in your body. When your heart is racing, your jaw is tightening, or perhaps your shoulders are tensing up. Or maybe your breathing feels shallow, your hands might be getting clammy, or your thoughts start racing. Or it could be the opposite.

(09:10):

You start to shut down, feel blank, or just want to escape the moment. You may also ignore these signals if you’re focused on pleasing the other person or avoiding uncomfortable conversations, or maybe just trying to keep the peace. Ignoring these signals can also be a result of a history of being, again, corrected or judged, or feeling like you’re falling short.

And again, they may have led to your rejection sensitivity or even rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which can make it feel riskier to pause and think about setting boundaries when you’re afraid of disappointing someone or losing approval. But if you can pause and tune in, these physical cues are your body’s way of saying something’s not right here.

For example, recently I made a trip to visit my family. And as some of you may know, family gatherings can come with a whole cast of characters to navigate. During a particular long drive, the conversation took a turn, and I could feel my heart beating faster and that urge to shut down.

(10:13):

When we finally arrived at our destination, I knew I needed a short break, so I said I needed to make a phone call and stepped away for about 10 minutes, which felt like a really long time. In that space, I realized it wasn’t the right time or context to address what had happened.

Instead, I used these minutes just to reset, and when I went into the restaurant, I was able to be fully present and really enjoy myself. Yes, everyone stared at me, and then we moved on. The point is, sometimes the boundary isn’t a big declaration or confrontation.

Sometimes it’s simply giving yourself space to notice what’s happening, reset, and then decide what you want to do next. The next step is to get curious: what is it in this moment that is making me feel this way?

(11:12):

That’s how you start to notice when a boundary might need to be set. Maybe someone assumes you’ll take on work without asking. Perhaps you’re not being given options, only told what to do. Or maybe you’re being spoken to in a way that feels disrespectful. Maybe it’s a request that just crosses a line you hadn’t realized until your body signaled it.

At first, it might only feel like discomfort, but when you put these pieces together — the physical cues, the ADHD patterns, and the situation around you — you can start to name it as a boundary issue. And that’s when you can step back and decide: do I need to set a boundary here?

And if so, how do I do that? Let’s look at some situations where you might need to set a boundary. How about one with your partner, who maybe asks you to take on something when you’re overloaded?

(12:13): Real-World Scripts for Saying No Without Guilt

Could you say, “I want to help, but I’m stretched thin this week. Can we figure out what’s most realistic together?” In this way, it shifts the focus to shared priorities instead of an impulsive yes or an impulsive no. How about a situation with a friend who invites you out, but you really need downtime?

You could say, “I’d love to see you, but I need to recharge tonight. Can we get something on the calendar?” By doing it this way, it validates rest as a real need, not as an afterthought. How about if somebody asks you to join a volunteer committee?

You could say, “I really appreciate the invitation, but I can’t commit now. Could you circle back next year when it’s time to sign up?” In this way, it sets a limit while easing your guilt and leaving a future door open, if that’s what you want. How about a professional boundary with your boss?

(13:15):

That can be really tricky, so let’s say your boss assigns a new project when you are at capacity. You could say, “I know this project really matters to both of us, but with my current workload, I don’t know if I can give it my best. Can we review the priorities together so you can help me decide where to focus?”

In doing it this way, you make that invisible workload visible without defensiveness. Let’s say you have a client, and there’s a workload boundary issue. The client requests a tight deadline. You could say, “I need to check my calendar and other projects. Can I get back to you tomorrow?” And then when you do get back to them the next day, you could say, “I can’t do it all this month, but I can take on one part.

Do you want to discuss what’s possible?” In this way, you’ve inserted a pause for realistic planning and then offered options. The last example I’ll share is with a colleague where there’s some emotional or interpersonal boundary issues. Let’s say a colleague dismisses your idea in a meeting.

You might say later, maybe not in the meeting if it’s with other people, “It sounds like you didn’t like my proposal, and I’m curious to hear more about this.” Again, you can create the space to set the boundary without defensiveness, rather with curiosity.

(14:55):

What I hope you’ve learned from today’s podcast is that setting boundaries doesn’t mean, again, shutting people out. It’s just about protecting your time, your energy, your values. Once you can notice the cues that tell you a boundary might be needed, you have real choices about how to respond, and with a few words or phrases to guide you, those choices can start to feel a whole lot easier.

That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me, and if this resonated with you and you want to hear more strategies for working with your ADHD, please hit the like and follow so you don’t miss future episodes about what Reimagining Productivity with ADHD could look like.

Also, share this with the people in your circles who you think might also benefit. And until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins, and I’m so glad you’re here doing the work.

ADHD Related Links & Resources

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make
• Explore Vanessa Bohns’ book, You Have More Influence Than You Think, to see why setting boundaries might actually be less risky than it feels.