The Cost of Perfectionism When You Have ADHD

A perfectionist is someone who is unyielding in their pursuit of unrealistically high standards. So, you may wonder what is an unrealistically high standard. Good question.

Whether a standard is unrealistically high depends on your capacity and the context. Here are a couple of examples.

• Let’s say an entrepreneur has built several businesses. And she decides to build a six-figure business in one year. This might be reasonable for her. But, if you try to do it and have never built a business, then that might be an unrealistically high standard.
• Similarly, for someone who runs regularly preparing for a 5K in a month may be doable. But if you don’t run all, this might be, yes, an unrealistically high standard.

You might think it doesn’t make sense to strive for such unrealistic goals. However, a perfectionist does not think the goals are unrealistic.

ADHD and Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist, you may have come to be a perfectionist in part because of your ADHD. One way this may happen is when you’re trying to make up for actual or perceived failures in your past. Now you want to get it just right! 

While there may be many root causes for your perfectionism, like having ADHD, the reason you continue to be a perfectionist is because you think one of the following is true:

• Others will only value me if I am perfect.
• I only value myself if I am perfect.

Where do you see this thinking in your life?

Is Perfectionism Ever Helpful?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with trying to excel at something by setting high standards. But perfectionism is never helpful. The key difference between perfectionism and setting high standards is whether the plans and goals are realistic or not.

It’s fine when the standard is high and the plans and goals are realistic. 

The key to avoiding perfectionism is being flexible enough to change your plans and goals along the way if they seem unrealistic. I don’t think I’m going to make it. When you’re a perfectionist you have black and white thinking and either you reach the high standard you set with the exact plan you created or your failure.

You can think of perfectionism as an unyielding taskmaster that prevents you from making decisions that fit the circumstances and your capacity whatever the task may be.

You might be a perfectionist in some contexts and not in others. For example, you may be comfortable experimenting in the kitchen and don’t worry about getting everything done perfectly. But you might decide you won’t play in an adult soccer league if you can’t play like you did in high school.

The first step in changing your perfectionist tendencies is to identify which context you tend to Have unrealistically high standards, such as: 

• work/school
• fitness
• personal appearance
• sports
• organization
• other

The bottom line is perfectionism is never helpful, though. 

A Day in The Life of a Perfectionist

To see how perfectionism can play out let’s look at the example of being asked to do a work project you are uncertain you can do because you might not: 

• have the necessary skills or knowledge.
• know how to create a realistic plan that balances your other responsibilities.
• be able to execute the plan in part because of your ADHD.
• have the time and energy.

Of course, there might be many other variables that could get in your way.

But because of your perfectionism, instead of acknowledging these challenges and letting your masks slipYou agreed to do the project. Then you might feel stuck, wonder how you’re ever going to do it, and consider your options which might include: 

• Option A – I’ll just have to figure out how to do it because I don’t have a choice
• Option B – Maybe I could get some help.
• Option C – I don’t need to deal with this now. I’ll think about it later. There’s other stuff I need to do. 
• Option D – I could let my boss know that I can’t do it.
• Option E – Is there another option?

And the answer is…?

The Choices of a Perfectionist

If you are a perfectionist, you probably would not consider Option B and D. You just couldn’t let them know you can’t do something on your own and might need help. 

And, if you are too overwhelmed with everything else on your plate, you may not be in a place to come up with other ideas. So, Option E is out. So, you are left with putting on your superhero cape, Option A, or avoiding the task by procrastinating, Option C. Obviously, you can’t get the test done with either of these options. In fact, perfectionism is one of the chief roadblocks to being productive.

Does Perfectionism Get in Your Way?¹

So, is perfectionism an issue that gets in your way? Here a few statements to help you decide:

If you have answered True or Somewhat True to most of the above questions, then perfectionism might be something you want to work on.

When You Drop Your Mask…

As long as you are a perfectionist you will continue to behave in ways that get in the way of achieving what you want. 

But when you drop your mask, unrealistically high standards, you might be able to:

• enjoy an activity, like playing in an adult soccer league, even if you no longer play like you did in high school.
• work toward a goal, like creating a 6 figure business in a realistic time frame given your previous business experience.
• make mistakes along the way and chalk it up to, “Well stuff happens…”
• enjoy activities you might not excel at, such as running a 5k.
• approach something as an experiment without attachment to the outcome.
• and more.

Consider the contexts where you have unrealistically high standards. What would be possible for you, if you aligned them with your personal capacity?

Stay Tuned…

You know the cost of being a perfectionist. Are you interested in dropping your mask?

If you are, stay tuned for the next post where I will look at strategies to help you begin to clear this roadblock out of your life.

¹Fursland, A., Raykos, B. and Steele, A. (2009). Perfectionism in Perspective. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions.