How to Break Free of Perfectionism So You Can Be Productive

DESCRIPTION:

Learn what it means to be a perfectionist and how you can reduce your ADHD perfectionist tendencies as an adult with ADHD

TRANSCRIPT:

(00:02):

Is perfectionism getting in your way? You’ve tuned into Scattered Focus, done re-Imagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD, adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired. I’m Marla Cummins, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey to reimagining productivity with ADHD so you can get what is important to you done without trying to do it like everyone else.

(00:40):

A perfectionist is someone who is unyielding in their pursuit of unrealistically high standards. So you may wonder what is an unrealistically high standard? Good question. Whether a standard is unrealistically high depends on your capacity and the context. Here are a couple examples. Let’s say an entrepreneur has built several businesses and she decides to build a six figure business in one year.

(01:11):

This might be reasonable for her, but if you try to do it and have never built a business, then that might be an unrealistically high standard. Similarly, for someone who runs regularly, preparing for a 5K in a month may be doable, but if you don’t run it all, this might be yes, an unrealistically high standard. You might think it doesn’t make sense to strive for such unrealistic goals. However, a perfectionist does not think the goals are unrealistic.

(01:46):

If you are a perfectionist, you may have come to be a perfectionist in part because of your ADHD. One way this may happen is when you’re trying to make up for actual or perceived failures in your past. Now you just want to get it right. Well, there may be many root causes for your perfectionism like having ADHD. The reason you continue to be a perfectionist is because you think one of the following is true.

(02:19):

Either others will only value you if you’re perfect or you will only value yourself if you’re perfect. Where do you see this thinking in your life? So is perfectionism ever helpful? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with trying to excel at something by setting high standards, but perfectionism is never helpful. The key difference between perfectionism and setting high standards is whether the plans and goals are yes, realistic or not. It’s fine when the high is well high and the plans and goals are well realistic.

(03:05):

The key to avoiding perfectionism is being flexible enough to change your plans and goals along the way. If they seem unrealistic, I don’t think I’m going to make it. When you’re a perfectionist, you have black and white thinking and either you reach the high standard you set with the exact plan you created or you may think you’re a failure.

(03:31):

You can think of perfectionism as an unyielding task master that prevents you from making decisions that fit the circumstances and your capacity, whatever the task may be. You might also be a perfectionism in some context and not in others. For example, you may be comfortable experimenting in the kitchen and don’t worry about getting everything done perfectly, but you might decide you won’t play adult soccer league unless you can play like you did in high school.

(04:06):

The first step in changing your perfectionist tendencies is to identify which context you tend to have unrealistically high standards such as work or school, fitness, personal appearance, sports, organization or something else. The bottom line is perfectionism is never helpful. So what’s it like a day in the life of a perfectionist to see how perfectionism can play out? Let’s look at the example of being asked to do a work project.

(04:40):

You are uncertain you can do because you might not have the necessary skills or knowledge or know how to create a realistic plan that balances your other responsibilities, or perhaps you’re not able to execute the plan in part because of your ADHD. And then again, it may be that you just don’t have the time and energy. Of course, there might be other variables that could get in your way.

(05:09):

But because of your perfectionism, instead of acknowledging these challenges and letting your mask slip, you agree to do the project, then you might feel stuck, wonder how you’re ever going to do it, and so you consider your options and here are some options that you might consider. Option A, I’ll have to figure out how to do it because I don’t have a choice. Option B, maybe I could get some help. Option C, I don’t need to deal with this now.

(05:44):

I’ll think about it later. There’s other stuff I need to do. Option D, I could let my boss know that I can’t do it. And then option E, is there another option you can think of? If you are a perfectionist, you would probably not consider B or D being getting help or D, letting the boss know that you can’t do it. You just couldn’t let them know you can’t do something on your own and might need help.

(06:15):

And if you’re too overwhelmed with everything else on your plate, you may not be in a place to come up with other ideas. So option E, another option is also out of the works. So you are left with putting on your superhero cape option A, which is, I’ll just have to figure it out how to do it because I have no choice or avoiding the task by procrastinating Option C, which is, I don’t need to deal with this now. I’ll think about it later. There’s other stuff I need to do.

(06:53):

Obviously, you can’t get the task done with either of these options. In fact, perfectionism is one of the chief roadblocks to being productive. So when you do let your mask drop, as long as you are a perfectionist, you’ll continue to behave in ways that get in the way of achieving what you want. But when you drop your mask, when you drop the unrealistically high standards, you might be able to enjoy an activity like playing in an adult soccer league.

(07:27):

Even if you don’t longer play like you did in high school, work toward a goal like creating a six figure business in a realistic timeframe given your previous business experience. Make mistakes along the way and chalk it up to well stuff happens or maybe enjoy activities you might not excel at such as running a 5K. And then again, you may approach something as an experiment without attachment to the income the outcome. Rather consider the context where you have unrealistically high standards. What would be possible for you if you aligned them with your personal capacity.

(08:14):

Then if you decide you are a perfectionist or are just curious about perfectionism and how you might change it, you might go on to working on changing it. The first thing is to think about weighing the cost and benefits. When thinking about the cost and benefits of being a perfectionist, you may initially think who would want the burden and pressure of being a perfectionist? And if you’re a perfectionist, you might decide you want to change this behavior, but as you first try to change your perfectionist behavior, you might find it hard to do and you’re perplexed.

(08:55):

One of the reasons for this resistance to giving up perfectionism is that whether you are aware of it or not, you may think there are benefits to this way of being and you’re just not ready to give up these perceived benefits. If you want to break through this resistance, one way to get started is to be clear on what you perceive to be the cost and benefits of perfectionism.

(09:22):

For example, negative consequences of perfectionism might be that you can’t relax and you give up easily. The positive consequences of perfectionism are that it motivates you to work harder. The benefits you might expect if you loosen your standards are that you’ll have more balance in your life, more time with family and friends. And then again, the cost you might incur if you loosen your standards is you won’t achieve your goals.

(09:56):

Now, as you look at the cost and benefits that you come up with negative and positive consequences, what comes up for you? On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate your readiness to change your perfectionism? Perhaps you are contemplating the impact of your perfectionism and the possibility of doing something about it. Thinking about making a change is part of the process. If you are not ready to take action quite yet, that’s okay.

(10:29):

Come back when you’re ready. If you are ready, think about what good enough looks like. When you think about what good enough looks like, you may immediately jump to the conclusion that I’m asking you to set the bar really low. Not to worry I’m not. I don’t want you to give up your standards. I’m just inviting you to temper your tendency to yes, set unrealistically high standards so you can work on being less of a perfectionist.

(11:04):

As you look at and hear some of the examples that I’ll share with you, think about the areas in which you tend to be a perfectionist and consider how you could change this. For example, let’s consider the example of Bob and how he adjusted his standards at work. He chose an area which is he wanted to be less of a perfectionist at work, and then he adjusted the standard.

(11:37):

For example, currently Bob expects all his written communication to be polished and demonstrate that he’s an expert in his field. Bob decided a more reasonable standard would be that he would be clear in his communication, share what is needed and would add value. So what is his current perfectionist behavior? Currently, Bob spends 20 to 30 minutes crafting each email that he writes. Much of this time is spent agonizing over his word choice.

(12:13):

He also tries to anticipate questions and concerns people may have and include the answers to these in the email, even if they didn’t ask them yet, he tries to include whatever comes to mind. So to reduce this behavior, Bob decided to set a timer and spend no more than 10 minutes on each email. He would check it over to make sure it was clear, and then he answered all the questions that were asked.

(12:45):

Then he would send it. If they needed more information from him, he would schedule a phone conversation rather than emailing again, Bob decided to set a timer and spend no more than 10 minutes on each email so that he would have more time to do all his other work. And then the timeframe he decided to try out this new system for a month to see if it worked.

(13:15):

What could you try either at home or at work to decrease some of your perfectionism as you’re doing this and experimenting? Don’t be surprised if you hear your inner critic telling you that this is not good enough. After all, you’ve been operating as a perfectionist for quite a long time. Here are some messages. Bob’s inner critic sent him. Only lazy people don’t spend time composing their emails. Another one was short answers would show I don’t care.

(13:52):

Or if I don’t add a lot of detail, they’re going to think I don’t know what I’m talking about. And last, I can’t take a break until I get all these emails done. Messages like these contributed to keeping Bob’s perfectionism going, and like Bob, you’ll need to work on shedding these messages if you’re going to change your perfectionist tendencies. Well, you may have people in your life who are critical of you and you will want to learn how to deal with them.

(14:23):

Your own worst critic is probably you. And once you decide to do this, you may decide you need the help of a coach or a therapist to understand how from a therapist, you can understand how you came to internalize these critical messages. But whether or not you do it on your own, the key to tackling your perfectionism is changing your internal dialogue from the negative loop currently playing in your head to positive self-talk.

(15:00):

Bob practice replacing his old messages with these, a short email response is better than no response at all. I just need to answer the email. They don’t want to wade through a tomb to get to the point if I don’t include something and they have a question, they’ll ask. And last, if I spend less time on emails, I’ll have more time to work on my important projects and can get home sooner.

(15:27):

Changing your internal dialogue to squelch your inner critic is critical if you want to minimize your perfectionism. So next, what you want to do is choose one context and experiment. You might be ready to tackle your perfectionism all at once, but trying to make too many changes immediately may lead to failure. It’s better to choose one area where you would like to work on your perfectionism. Is it something related to work, a sport school or something else?

(16:04):

In addition, it can be hard for ADHD adults to persist without giving up too soon and being patient with what seems like a slow process. I know you already know that. So remember to acknowledge and remind yourself along the way as well as employee strategies to counter these tendencies so you can persevere and change your perfectionist tendencies. Think of the process as an experiment. Like most experiments, you will likely have to return to the lab multiple times before you are satisfied with the results.

(16:44):

You may decide you need a lab partner such as, yes, a therapist or coach to help you make these changes if they’re too entrenched. Procrastination and perfectionism, there are many reasons for procrastination, and one of them is perfectionism. Procrastination is just the symptom. If you can learn how to address your perfectionism, you’ll be one step closer to managing procrastination in your life.

(17:17):

Once you can set appropriate goals and standards for yourself, you’ll have an easier time achieving your goal really, and I bet you will experience more of a sense of fulfillment rather than feeling frustrated and blaming yourself for not doing things perfectly. So where would you like to reduce your tendency to be a perfectionism?

(17:44):

That’s it for now. I’m really glad you joined me and stayed until the very end. If you’re interested in learning more about my work with adults with ADHD, check out my website, marla cummins.com. Of course, if you’ve learned a thing or two from today’s podcast, please pass along the link to anyone else in your circles you think might also benefit. And until next time, this has been scattered focused, done. And I’m Marla Cummins. Wishing you all the very best on your journey to re-imagining productivity with ADHD.