When Following Through Doesn’t Make Sense for ADHD Adults

Episode Summary:

When following through no longer makes sense, what do you do?

In this episode, we’re looking at something many adults with ADHD struggle with but don’t always question: the assumption that once you’ve committed, you should follow through no matter what.

Through real-life examples, you’ll learn how to recognize when circumstances have changed, whether it’s your time, energy, priorities, or even your level of interest, and how to step back and reassess instead of automatically pushing through.

We’ll walk through situations like running out of time, realizing you don’t have the skills to complete something as planned, or continuing with something that no longer feels like the right fit. You’ll also learn how to think through trade-offs, how to decide whether to continue or adjust your plan, and how to renegotiate commitments when needed.

If you tend to push yourself to follow through no matter what, even when it comes at a cost, this episode will help you take a more flexible, thoughtful approach to your decisions.

What You’ll Learn About ADHD and Follow-Through:

• Why following through isn’t always the most effective or responsible choice
• How to recognize when your time, energy, or circumstances have changed
• What to do when you don’t have the time, skills, or capacity to complete something as planned
• How to think through trade-offs and decide whether to continue, adjust, or stop
• How to renegotiate commitments and what to say when you can’t follow through as expected

Transcript

(00:01):

I know you probably want to follow through more consistently right now. Most of my clients do. But sometimes that goal isn’t the right one, especially when what you may actually need in the moment is the ability to recognize that it makes more sense to pivot.

You’ve tuned into Reimagining Productivity with ADHD, a podcast for ADHD adults like you who want to learn how to adopt the best strategies, tools, and skills to be able to get your essential work done in a way that works with the way your brain is wired.

I’m Marla Cummins, an ADHD coach and executive function coach, and I’m glad you decided to join me today on this journey toward finding your way to doing what matters most to you without trying to do it like everyone else.

When I work with clients, one of the things I often hear, which I’m sure is no surprise to you, is, “I just want to be able to follow through.”

(01:05): Why do ADHD adults want to follow through better?

Like you, they want to do what they said they were going to do, meet deadlines, be reliable, and feel like they can trust themselves and others can too.

And no doubt, it’s important to be able to do that. Following through matters. And if you have ADHD, it makes sense that this feels especially important, especially if you have a challenge doing this right now. Because not only does not following through, of course, create practical problems, but it may also be shaping how you see yourself and what you expect from yourself right now.

So wanting to follow through more consistently in and of itself is not problematic. But where I often see the problems come in for my clients is when they hold on to the need to follow through too rigidly, even when the situation changes.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you have a deliverable at work and you get sick, really sick. But because you’re worried about not delivering on time, you just double down and push yourself to get it done anyway.

(02:18):

You don’t really stop to consider other options, like renegotiating the deadline or adjusting the scope. You just keep going, even though the situation has clearly changed.

And as with most of the topics I cover, there isn’t just one reason this happens for you. But if you have ADHD, there’s a good chance that your past experiences are playing a role in why you might feel the need to follow through, even when the context changes.

If you struggled with consistency in the past and things didn’t get done the way you intended, as I mentioned a second ago, that may be shaping how you see yourself now. And as a result, perhaps even without realizing it, you may be carrying this quiet pressure or need to prove yourself to others that you can follow through.

So even when you might notice the situation has changed because you’ve already committed to doing something, there might be a part of you that’s thinking, “I can’t mess this up again,” or, “I just need to push through.” And layered on top of that, there might also be some shame because of the feeling that you’re not as reliable as you feel you should be.

(03:39): Should I always push myself to follow through?

And taken together, this can make it really hard to step back and ask yourself whether the plan still makes sense. And that might make following through feel less like an option and really more like something you just have to do, no matter what.

Then you add in some of the ways ADHD can show up in the moment. Maybe you move too quickly when you make decisions, maybe even impulsively, without giving yourself much time to pause and reflect. Or maybe you get caught up in the excitement of what you’re working toward because of the challenges with emotional regulation, and it’s like you have blinders on, so you just keep going.

And if decision-making is a challenge for you, as it is with many ADHD adults, you may even avoid stopping to check in and ask yourself, “Does this still make sense?” But rather, you just default to staying on autopilot because, well, maybe it’s just easier.

(04:42):

So instead of reassessing and adjusting, you may just hold tight to the idea that, again, you just need to follow through. And this rigidity prevents you from taking a more flexible approach that you might need.

So one of the first keys to turning this around is incorporating what I like to call upfront thinking. It’s a combination of reflecting, making decisions, and creating plans that can support you in reaching your goals. And part of that is regularly asking yourself, “Does this still make sense? Has anything changed that might mean I should change my plan?”

So instead of trying to try harder to follow through, it’s about building in regular moments to pause, assess, and adjust if necessary. And there are many different moments when you can do this. If you’re working on a bigger project, you might build in check-in points along the way where you stop and ask yourself if you’re still on the right track.

(05:47): How do I know if I should change my plans, especially if I made a commitment?

This is also something you would benefit from doing as part of a regular weekly review, which I often talk about because I think it’s really important. And if you don’t already have a built-in way to do this and you’d like to try, I’ve included a link in the post in the show notes on my website that walks you through the process.

(06:09):

And it’s also really just stopping in those moments when your gut is telling you something is off, and “I’m not sure this still makes sense.” Listen to these cues and take time to do as deep of a dive as you need in terms of reflection.

What you’re doing in these moments is strengthening your ability to slow down, reflect, and to be flexible in your thinking, even when it’s uncomfortable, maybe because you don’t like the uncertainty. Who does? And you’re really not sure in the moment what to do next. But you can build these skills over time.

Let’s look at some situations where you can start doing that. One of the most common situations where this comes up is when you underestimate how long something will take and then can’t meet the deadline you originally committed to. I’m sure this has happened to you plenty of times.

(07:07): What should I do when I realize I can’t meet a deadline?

For example, one of my clients promised his wife and daughter that he would have an aspect of their finances taken care of by a certain date, and he was working diligently to make sure that that would happen. But about a week before they were supposed to go on vacation, he realized that in order to meet that agreed-upon deadline, he would likely have to stay up until all hours over the course of several days.

And at the same time, he was also trying to practice better self-care, which for him meant getting enough and consistent sleep. So then he was faced with a decision. Does he push himself to meet the deadline and sacrifice his sleep or not? What do you do when your well-being might be the trade-off?

And I want to be super clear. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. The important thing is being aware of the trade-offs involved and following through as planned so you can decide what makes sense for you.

(08:09):

Because in a situation like this, though it may not be immediately obvious to you, especially, again, if you’re not in the habit of reflecting and being flexible in your thinking, you do have options. One option is, yes, to push through and get it done no matter what. But another option is to step back and consider whether it makes sense to renegotiate the deadline, even if parts of you feel like you shouldn’t.

And that’s really the point here. It’s not that one option is always right and the other is wrong. It’s just that you’re able to recognize that you have a choice.

And when you’ve made a commitment to other people and realize you may not be able to follow through as planned, the most important thing you can do is to decide the best course of action as soon as you recognize that.

(09:06):

And if needed, again, renegotiate as early as possible. In my work with clients, I often see people waiting way too long, hoping that they can maybe pull it off, and sometimes they do. But when they can’t, there’s much less flexibility for them and for the other person or people they’re working with to figure out a reasonable alternative plan.

For example, in the case of my client who had committed to finishing the finances before their vacation, one option might have been to get as much done as he could before vacation with a reasonable amount of time and effort, and then finish after they returned.

And I fully realize renegotiating can feel super uncomfortable. It often does. But it often is the most responsible thing you can do. And while you may be delaying the discomfort, letting them know at the last minute that you’re not going to deliver is, well, not a good look and maybe even more uncomfortable, right?

(10:14):

Part of the discomfort, I know, of renegotiating is just knowing what to say. Sometimes, in fact, that can be the hardest part.

When it comes to what feels like what could be a challenging conversation, the one thing that’s really important to remember is that no matter how carefully you choose your words, you’re just not going to be able to control how the other person is going to respond. So I bet you already know that. Yet, I bet you also may still spend tons of time crafting your message in hopes that if you can get it just right, you can be assured of a particular outcome.

Since you already know that that is unlikely, the better goal is to try to set aside your past missteps or perceived missteps for the moment and focus on what makes the most sense to say right now, given the situation you’re in.

(11:16):

This isn’t the moment to try to make up for everything that you think you may have done wrong before.

So you might say, “I know I promised to get this to you by next week, but I’m realizing I underestimated how long this would take.” And if there’s something specific that got in the way, something you maybe could have anticipated or couldn’t, rather, you might choose to share that as well.

And then this is really important. Share a suggested plan for what you can do now. Think of the plan as a point of entry into renegotiating, not the final word. The key is to be clear and direct as you go into the conversation.

(12:09): What if I committed to something and I don’t have the skills or capacity to follow through?

Another place where challenges with following through can show up is when you start working on something and realize, once you’re in it, that your skills just aren’t quite up to the task, at least in the way you expected.

And that can be really hard to admit, especially if you’ve already committed to it. Whether it’s at work, at home, or in a volunteer role, there can be a part of you that thinks, “I said I would do this, so I should be able to do it.”

For example, maybe you decide to replace a garbage disposal. You’ve heard of other people doing it themselves, so you figure, “Why not?” But once you get into it, you realize you don’t have the right tools or, honestly, the patience for something that’s pretty much outside your wheelhouse.

Or at work, you take on a project that mostly fits your skillset, but there’s a part of it you’re not entirely sure how to handle.

(13:04):

And as you get into it, you start to feel that friction, that sense that this might not be as straightforward as you anticipated. And this is where the same pattern can show up, the urge to push through, to prove that you can handle it, to not have to say, “You know what? I actually need help with this.”

But again, you have options. In the case of the garbage disposal, one option is, of course, to keep going and try to figure out, even if it takes a lot more time and frustration than you expected. And another obvious option is to step back and decide to hire a plumber, a handyman, or ask a handy friend to help.

At work, it might look like reaching out to a colleague for support while still taking ownership of the project, or in some cases, handing off parts of it to a colleague.

(14:01):

And again, this is really an important point. There isn’t one right answer in any of this. The point is to recognize when what you’re dealing with is a mismatch between your current skills or resources and what’s required of the task. So you’re not just pushing through and giving them what you can, even though it may not be what was asked for.

(14:29): Is it okay to stop something I started if it no longer feels right?

I know this next one will resonate for many of you. So what do you do when you lose interest in something and aren’t necessarily obligated to follow through, like a hobby? Something that seemed like a good fit ends up not feeling just right.

Honestly, that happened to me recently. I decided I was going to get my scuba diving certification. I was super excited. I announced it in a group I facilitate and even posted about it on LinkedIn. I was all in and fully expected that I would follow through.

But as I started the online portion of the certification, my heart began to sink. I found myself thinking, “I don’t know if I actually want to do this.” Then, when I went to the first Zoom class, sure enough, I could even feel resentment building. I didn’t want to spend more time on it. And the more information I got, the less I wanted to do it.

(15:26):

And this is where it can get tricky. There was already some cost. I had paid for the class. I knew I wasn’t getting that back. And if I continued, it was going to be double that amount for something I was sure I didn’t want to do.

I also thought I might feel embarrassed about backing out, especially since I had told people I was doing it, and now I’m telling you. And interestingly enough, I didn’t really feel embarrassed about that part. But I certainly felt uncomfortable telling the people at the scuba diving school.

In fact, I put it off. I didn’t tell them until they called me at 8:30 in the morning on the day I was supposed to be at the pool. Sorry about that. I definitely felt bad about that. And yes, I wish I’d let them know sooner. I still need to follow up with the director of training as well.

(16:17):

But at the same time, I also felt so relieved when I decided not to continue.

And again, that’s really the point here. Sometimes the most thoughtful decision isn’t to follow through just because you started something or because you told people you would do it. It’s to recognize that something no longer fits and to make a decision based on that, even if it feels super uncomfortable.

What I hope you’re taking away from this episode is that blindly following through when you’ve made a commitment to others or even just to yourself is not always the best course of action.

At the same time, I’m not suggesting that you impulsively drop things on a whim just because they get challenging or you’re not interested, or it’s not proceeding the way you expect it. Rather, what I’m hoping you’ll practice going forward is reflecting and reassessing whether, given your current circumstances, it still makes sense to follow through, at least in the way you originally envisioned, and then making a conscious decision about your next steps.

(17:25):

So that’s it for now.

If this resonated with you and you’d like more support, you can head over to marlacummins.com and sign up for my newsletter. When you do, you’ll get a free guide entitled, Six Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make and How to Fix Them, along with practical strategies I share regularly.

Until next time, this has been Reimagining Productivity with ADHD. I’m Marla Cummins, reminding you that ADHD doesn’t define you, but how you work with it can shape what’s possible.

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ADHD Adults and Follow-Through Resources:

• Learn how to plan better with my Free Guide: 6 Common Planning Mistakes Adults with ADHD Make.
• The ADHD Adult’s Guide To The Weekly Review will help you learn how to do a weekly review and planning session so you can make better decisions.

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